The calm before . . . the storm?

Oh my. I woke up this morning feeling SO old. I don't know why, every now and then, I have days like that. I'm not really depressed, I've just felt tired and achey all over, and every little thing seems like such a monumental effort. I don't feel like I've accomplished much of anything today. I had good intentions, I did get a lot of things started, but I just lost momentum somewhere along the line. On the other hand, the fact that I managed to make it this far, without a nap, or just plain giving up, seems pretty amazing, all things considered. I think that at some point in my morning, I just looked around and thought, 'There are FAR too many people in my house, just lounging around.'

It's been that way for the past few days. Nick is struggling to find a new job since he was laid off, and it's just starting to feel like he's given up. I don't want that to sound wrong - he's had a lot to deal with this past week. When he got laid off work, he wrestled with justifying the cost and inconvenience of continuing his methadone treatment. He considered a new, alternate, drug to ease the with draw from the methadone, but ultimately decided to just white knuckle his way through it, and be done with it all as simply, and quickly, as possible. I know that what he is going through right now is difficult; it's really hard to with draw from methadone and focus on anything else at the same time. (least of all, looking for a job) It has all just changed the rhythm of my day at bit, and I'm struggling to regroup.

About the same time, things have slowed down for Roy at work, and he's been at home much more than I, or him, are used to. He's taking advantage of the slow time right now to schedule some surgery on his back. That's a good and positive thing, that I know will help him a lot. (and it's something that has been put on hold for far too long) But dealing with insurance companies and doctors, scheduling all the tests and pre approvals, can be complicated and frustrating, almost a full time task. I know that he's feeling anxious about the surgery, but also trying to remain hopeful about the final outcome. I think that when it's all said and done, he has just been feeling out of his element this past week.

In addition, this is the last week of summer vacation for the kids. I know that this summer hasn't been all that they had hoped for, in fact it's been pretty disappointing for everyone. They seem to be torn between wanting to get back to school and see their friends, and dreading the whole school work thing.

The last time that Jen went to the Doctor, they told her that according to the sonograms, the baby is developed enough that she could deliver anytime between now, and the first week of September. I know she has to feel uncomfortable, as well as nervous and anxious. I've noticed that she has been keeping Nick as close as possible lately.

Bottom line . . . Right now, everyone is in a transition phase. It's almost a tangible feeling in the air at our house. We're all poised and ready for some big and drastic changes that are just on the verge of happening. But they're the sort of changes that can't be rushed. (or avoided.) They will unfold in their own time and way. Until then, we just wait, try to prepare, and hope for the best. Hopefully, it won't be too much, all at one time, and we will be able to catch our second wind in between events. I know that's my biggest fear.

With my luck, Roy's surgery will end up being scheduled for the same day that the kids go back to school, and then, Jen will go into labor on the same day. Or, what if, God forbid, any or all of the above have complications? When you're part of this family, you learn that complications are an every day occurrence. I know that I shouldn't allow myself to think that way. But every day we spend waiting, it becomes a more likely possibility. I know that I don't really have any control over any of it. I just have to have faith that whatever happens, I can deal with it, without holding myself responsible for it all.

Okay, I need to sleep.

Love,
Susan

As If Mondays weren't bad enough already . . .

What a day! I feel like I've been running all over town and haven't had five minutes to stop and think.
I started out with my Doctor appointment for my regular Diabetes check. The doctor was running behind and I had to wait for an hour to be seen. Then, he tells me that he wants to biopsy this little knot on my shoulder that I've had forever. Whatever, why not? So I have to go back next week for that. What fun !
Finally, I headed to the grocery store around 12:30 PM. Not a good idea to go to the grocery store when you've been fasting for blood work at the Dr.s office right before. It's an even worse idea to take two teenagers along with you ! I ended up spending almost $400.00 and filling TWO shopping carts! It took forever just to get it all bagged and loaded into my mini van.
I only had and hour left to get it all home, put away, and to get Jake to his Dr.s appointment at 3PM. So, I go to start the car and guess what? The dang battery is dead !!!! It's 100 degrees outside, I have a car load of frozen food melting in the sun, I haven't eaten all day, and my blood sugar is dropping, as my blood pressure is rising. So I grab the cell phone and a chocolate bar and start screaming at my husband who is in Liberty, MO. (at least a 45 minute drive away)
Thankfully, Nick and Jen were just down the street at the Library and they showed up to give me a jump start before I had $400.00 worth of liquid groceries all over my van.
We got home, unloaded, and I had just enough time to get the cold stuff put away before Jake's appointment.
As an obsessive/compulsive neat freak, it took all the strength I could muster to walk out the door leaving all the dry goods, canned goods, and everything in between, laying all over my kitchen table and counters. Fortunately, Heather decided to stay behind to make sure that my dogs didn't eat all the unattended food.
I was supposed to drive Jake to Jasmin's house after his appointment, so that He could go to a concert with Christian tomorrow; but Roy finally showed up and drove him for me, so that I could finish up in my kitchen.
By the time I had everything put away, it was time to cook dinner. When everyone was fed, the dishes done, and the kitchen cleaned, (again) the sun had just started setting, and I had promised my dogs that I would walk them when the sun went down. I know it sounds crazy, but when I tell them that I will walk them later, they seem to understand and hold me to my promise, because they all started doing their pre-walk doggie dance as soon as I turned out the kitchen lights.
It was still 88 degrees outside, but at least the sun wasn't scorching the pavement anymore. Heather helped me walk them, but by the time we finished up, it was 10PM, and my clothes were soaked with perspiration.
I threw some food in their dog bowls, jumped in the shower, and here I am - FINALLY.
I am exhausted. Every part of me hurts.
Thank God Mondays only happen once a week.

Good night all.
Love,
Susan

School, husbands, birthdays, and rolling in the grass

Hey, it's me.



I can honestly say that this has been a better week. I've been working hard to feel more productive; getting my chores done, and trying to cut back on the kids social calendars, and getting them (and myself) off to bed at a more reasonable hour, in preparation of them going back to school. These things have to tapered back slowly, so that they don't go into shock and withdraw, otherwise, I could end up with a full fledged revolt on my hands.


The past week has been filled with cooler days and I'm finding my husband home more often in the evenings. Now, all I have to do, is try to remember what I'm supposed to do with him. I know that husbands are supposed to be good for something, I'm sure it will come to me eventually. . .


Of course, as the summer winds down there are always things that try to stress me out. The kids are already wanting to know when we will be doing the annual shopping expedition for school clothes and supplies. As much as I look forward to having my days back, I really dread the whole shopping thing. There is always at least one item, that they simply must have, that turns the whole event into a scavenger hunt ! The school is sending out notices for their yearly "Meet and Greet" nights, which is their not-so-subtle way of wasting my time by trying to recruit me for fund raisers, committees, and general worthless programs. Nope, not gonna do it. I did my time at school, and I'm not going to play the same popularity/clique games with grown ups.


PLUS, Yesterday was the official start of the "Birthday Season" for our family. Yup, yesterday, my first born baby girl turned 31 years old. Don't ask me how that happened, I can't believe it myself. Jasmin has her birthday at the end of July; Nick will turn 24 (?!) seven days later, in August. Jacob will turn 15 in September, in addition to my grand daughter celebrating her 9th birthday, we are also expecting our 4th grand child to be born that month. Christian turns 16 in October. (Oh my God, how is that possible?!) Then, in November, Heather will turn thirteen years old - just in time for me to start stressing about Christmas in December !!!

These are the things that I try to keep my mind from dwelling on, so that I don't panic. My sane, rational, mind says, "We go through this every year, Susan. Somehow, someway, it all works out, so quit worrying." Easier said than done, I respond.

When my kids were younger, I used to be the kind of person who made a big deal out of birthdays with parties and plans. Now that my kids are older, my teens (my babies) would just as soon Roy and I just give them their stuff , so they can go hang out with their friends. I'm lucky if they show up for cake and ice cream. Now a days, my oldest daughter has taken over the role of party planner. (and she's good at it too.) Still, it's hard not to get my little brain all wound up with stress when this time of year rolls around.

Lately, I've been working on discovering, and experimenting with, ways to let go of all that tension and anxiety by finding time to do things that relax and please . . . me. Hard to believe that someone can live 47 years without ever knowing what makes them happy, but that's the boat I'm finding myself in recently. Like today, I found myself feeling all flustered and irritated over my car situation. (that situation is getting better, but it's just been one of those days.) I kept thinking to myself, "Okay, one thing at a time. First I'll do this, and get this done, then, I can hook the leashes up to my dogs, and disappear for two or three hours; when I get back, I'll feel much better about everything." And that's what I did. When I got home, I didn't yell at anyone and all was well in my spirit. Even if the weather isn't as beautiful as it was today, my dogs are truly happy just to be out and spending time with me. They aren't complex and complicated creatures, they don't argue and worry, they just enjoy life; and when I take them out, I am THE COOLEST person in the world to them. Their attitude just rubs off on me. I'm finding that it feels good to walk, breathe clean air, look at the clouds, and sometimes, roll in the grass.
*Remember the 1996 movie "Michael"? When the Arc angel Michael (John Travolta) watches Sparky, the dog, rolling around happily in a big field of grass, and he says, with a big smile,
"Ah . . . now that's my nature - I'm a grass roller!"
I know exactly how he feels.

What's New?

Okay, I know. I haven't blogged in FOREVER. Sorry. Unfortunately, it isn't because much has changed. Well . . . at least nothing drastic, or even too exciting. I'm still bored, except now, I'm becoming lazy too. Oh, well, what are summers for? Let's see here . . . there have been a few things.



Hmmmm . . . Well first of all, my son, Nicko, has been off work this week. They finished the job they were working on and might not have anything new for him until Monday. (He's keeping his fingers crossed) So he's been home all week distracting me from my chores. Not really, I just haven't felt very motivated lately. Actually, he's managed to get a few things done around the house and take care of some Doctor appointments. Recently, he's found out that he has carpal Tunnel in his arms from the work that he does. (It's been really painful for him at night and in the mornings) Also, he got some much needed (and somewhat traumatic) dental work done. He just had a tooth pulled, but it was in the exact spot where his jaw was broke less than a year ago. It had both him, and the dentist, sweating for a while. They got it out, but afterwards, it was pretty painful.



Jen had her baby shower last Sunday, and got lots of lovely things for the baby. She had it at her mother's house and I was a little concerned how that might go, because her parents are just a bit . . . over protective? No . . . more like ANGRY with a touch of crazy thrown in for good measure. I was most worried about her mother making some kind of snide and offensive remarks to me, or someone in my family; but as it turned out, it was her husband that ended up ruining the day, and setting off an ugly exchange of words (via text messages and face book comments) that has lasted all week long. He waited until after everyone had left, and then berated Jen for having "abandoned her family." Just the sort of thing an 8 month pregnant girl needs to hear from her father at her baby shower! Since then, they have shown just how ugly and judgemental they really are. Basically, they have never approved of her relationship with Nick, and have always done everything in their power to break the two of them up. Now that they realise that they really have no control over the situation, they have become desperate enough to try anything - including verbal attacks on our entire family. They just don't seem to realise that they are only pushing Jen farther away. I can understand why they feel as they do (to an extent) but they have an all or nothing attitude about everything. Jen's mother is famous for cutting people (even family members) out of her life when she can't control their behavior. It's very sad.



Again this week, my husband has been so busy at work, I only get to see him about 10 minutes a day - at least while he's still awake. In fact, I had a few appointments this week that I had to have the car for, so rather than give Roy the time off so I could use the car, his boss has decided to loan me one of his cars to take care of my business until they can find a truck for Roy to work out of. So, I still don't have MY car, but I have A car, which is better than nothing.



Jake has spent most of this week helping dad to do some side work to earn some money. His girlfriend's birthday was today and he wanted to give her something nice. I'm starting to worry about this relationship. The two of them have been together almost 9 months now. For teenagers their age, that's an ETERNITY ! I have to watch the two of them all the time. It's a good thing that her parents have made a rule about her only being able to spend every other day with Jake. On their days apart, they have to hang out with other friends. (even though they text each other 24/7.) Still, she's enough of a regular around here, that Heather and I made her dinner and baked her a birthday cake Friday night to celebrate. She is a really sweet girl, I just worry about how Jake will take it if they ever break up.



Speaking of break ups, Heather's "boy friend" broke up with her last night. He's the first boy that she has ever really liked. Heather used to be a very emotional, drama queen, kind of girl. (especially when she was younger) So I was really worried how she would handle it. At first, she was upset, but she didn't go overboard as I was concerned about her doing; She was pretty much over all the drama by this evening. That seems to be a fairly age appropriate response, so I was actually a little surprised. I think it really helped her to know that her big brothers were there for her. They both love her very much and made a special point of telling her today. They even offered to beat up - or publicly humiliate - her ex-boyfriend for her. That made her smile and giggle a bit. I know that it still stings a bit, (she and I are pretty close and we've talked about it a couple of times today) but over all, I think she's okay with it. She has really matured so much over the past couple of years. I'm very proud of her. I think that the next big hurdle with her is going to be her weight. It's something that she has always been sensitive about and I just have to make sure she deals with it in a realistic and sensible way. She has a tendency to want quick fixes for everything - she has already started looking at diet pills and miracle drugs on the Internet. It's always something.



As far as the other, four legged, members of my family go . . . Well, I'm back down to just five, instead of six. Roy found a nice home for Princess over the fourth of July weekend. I think she'll do much better there. She'll get plenty of attention, all to herself, and (hopefully) lose weight and become healthier. However, over the past few weeks, we have been having some issues with Pete, the daddy of the pack. Lately, he's become very impatient waiting for his walks. If I don't get him out first thing in the morning, he jumps the fence and takes himself for a walk. He always comes home, but there are just too many things that could happen to him while he's gone. (and I have enough gray hairs without worrying about him) We tried several tricks to keep him in the yard. Finally, Nick thought the solution would be to buy an electric fence kit - against my strong warning NOT to. (I hate those things!) Well, the first zap confused him enough to stop him; the second time, he figured if he was going to get zapped anyway, he'd be on the other side of the fence when it was said and done. So no, it didn't work. Turns out, that sitting on Nick's lap, when Jen drives Nick to work in the early morning, seems to keep him contented enough to wait, until I can get him out for a walk in the afternoon or evening. I don't really understand the dog logic there, but . . . whatever works.



Well, like I said, nothing really exciting, just regular mom stuff, but I guess it has been a busier week than I realised. No wonder I'm so tired!



Good night all,

Love,

Susan

I'm a Fig Tree?

I'm not too sure what a Celtic Horoscope is, But I was goofing around on one of my favorite quiz sites (blogthings.com) so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm a fig Tree? Well . . . okay, I think I can live with that.


What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

You Are A Fig Tree.

You are very independent and strong minded.
A hard worker when you want to be, you play hard too.
You are honest and loyal.
You hate contradiction or arguments.
You love life, and you live for your friends, children, and animals.
A great sense of humor, artistic talent, and intelligence are all gifts you possess.

On the other hand . . .

What Frozen Treat Are You?

You Are a Popsicle.
You are colorful, creative, and expressive.
You are often in your own little world, having the time of your life.
People might be surprised to know that you're actually a bit of a perfectionist.
You like things to be neat and orderly.
You can deal with chaos, as long as it's controlled chaos.

I agree with the discription, but I hate popsicles.

I have NO life.

I'm so B.O.R.E.D. ! Life around here is dull, dull, dull !!! This summer is turning into a huge disappointment. Roy finally finished putting in the water pump and timing belt on his car yesterday; and the bottom line is . . . his car is screwed. It's got much bigger problems than he first thought and I STILL have no car because he's still driving mine. I had so many plans for this summer to get out and do things with the kids, but none of them have happened because I have no wheels. The kids will be going back to school in just a few weeks, and summer will be over. I am sick of feeling trapped in this house !

Sorry I sound so bitchy and whiney, but I really have nothing else to blog about. This sucks!

Speed Shopping

Oh my gosh, It's been go, go, go, all day long ! A totally crazy day. I was feeling really a bit yucky on Thursday, so I let my laundry agenda go, thinking that I would catch up today - HA !

I over slept this morning, had to rush around the house to get dressed and to the grocery store, but Heather and a bunch of her friends wanted a ride to the mall first. Car schedules got screwed up, and when it was all said and done, I only had an hour to get my shopping done.

So I drove past the house, picked up my youngest son, Jake and said,
"Here's the plan. We only have an hour to get groceries and get back home and unload everything, so we are going to do something different. We are going to buzz through the isles and randomly throw whatever appeals to us into the cart, and then, rush home as fast as we can. Okay?"

Okay, I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but most things in my life don't. And Hell, Jake is an easy kind of guy. It was so much fun, and we ended up with some very interesting, and delicious, items. We got a box of creamy banana pop sickles covered in dark chocolate. Oh my Lord ! They're amazing ! We also ended up with several boxes of various fish fillets in Gourmet sauces? (The only time this family eats fish, is when we do take out from Long John Silver's.) But, Jake says he was feeling adventurous. For dinner, we ended up barbecuing a bunch of steak and chicken kabobs because, it was just about the only thing in the bags with any nutritional value. But damn, they were really good! We also got a giant box of microwaveable sausage and Pancakes on a stick, and THREE different flavors of Jello Cheese cake mixes. (cherry cheese cake, Peanut butter cheese cake, and Oreo cookie cheese cake) I guess Jake really likes Cheese cake. After I cleaned up from dinner, I went back to the store to get a list of stuff that Jenn needed to make a special Anniversary dinner for Nick tomorrow. (They have been together for ONE whole year !)

Anyway, while I was there, I picked up the "sane and rational" items that we missed. I didn't get home, get things put away, and actually sit down, until 11PM. I'm completely exhausted. I need to get myself off to bed. Heather and I are going to see Jasmin tomorrow to have our hair done. Urgh, At this rate, I'm never going to finish that laundry.