Sunday afternoon: Just going with the flow.

Oh Lord, I've started to write three different posts this weekend, and just can't seem to finish anything ! That pretty much sums up my whole weekend. So much going on, so much that needs to be done, but I seem to be lacking in the motivation to finish anything. And you know what ? I'm not sure that I really care.

Heather spent all of Friday and Saturday at a Church Youth Group Convention in Wichita, KS. She got home late Saturday night. I've been to (and through) Wichita a few times, they make a lot of airplanes there. But Heather had a blast; She got to meet lots of new friends, do lots of fun things, and stay the night in a hotel.

While she was gone, Jake had some friends over to spend the night. I've had teenagers in and out of my house all weekend. They always keep things interesting around here.

Roy has been on call this weekend and he stayed fairly busy on Saturday, but today has been quiet.

Generally speaking, it's been a pretty manic weekend for me. Either things have been chaotic, or things have been still and quiet, and it seems to change hour by hour, without any notice. Since I really didn't have any plans or expectations for the weekend, I've just been going with the flow.

Right now, I'm just about worn out from all the ups and downs. In about an hour, I'm going to send all the visitors home, and put both my kids to work on cleaning their rooms. (which are disasters) I have relinquished all power and control this weekend, and it's just about time to take charge again. There was a time in my life when just letting life happen was unthinkable. But now, it's not so bad. I don't have to have be on top of everything, there is always time to clean up the mess later.

On one of my runs to the store, I bought the dogs some chewies and a couple of new toys. So, yup, the mess is all over the carpet. They have torn the fluffy guts out of the new toys, and are playing tug 'o war with the ropes. They're happy. I haven't walked them all weekend - since Halloween, the weather has turned. It's not really cold, I know that in a few weeks, 40 degree temps will seem like a heat wave, but it always takes me a few days for my blood to thicken up a bit. I'll get myself back on routine Monday.

I think that right now, I'll go upstairs, and join my hubby for a short nap before I get dinner started.

Have a good weekend y'all,
Love, Susan

I need Space !!!

Thank God for the miracles of modern pharmaceuticals. I am finally startling to feel better, more like myself, and less overwhelmed. I think I can do this thing called life after all.

I finally put together a slide show of the photos from Halloween, and posted it on my Haunt blog last night. I'm not really happy with it, the photos seem a bit blurred. I'll probably do something different when I have more time. I really have to sort through and organize my photo files before I run out of space. It seems some times, that the computer is just another domain where I have to pick up after my family, and their "I'll put it where it belongs later" attitudes.

I was able to get down to Nick and Jennifer's old room (the family room) and get things cleaned up yesterday. Of course, it still has no floor coverings in there, just a stained concrete floor. I think I'll look into installing one of those hardwood floor kits when Nick gets his bed moved out. Roy and I replaced my moms old kitchen floor with those hardwood laminate floors - it's not that difficult. I just need to check around for a good price on it. In the mean time, I've moved in some grow lights and turned it into a winter nursery for the overflow of my plants.

I talked to Nick yesterday. He and Jennifer are looking for jobs again. Jennifer's parents live in Missouri (about a 50 minute highway drive away from here) and it just isn't cost efficient for them to drive so far to work. So between looking for a job and having to stay sober, Nick is in a mood. I've been there, and done that with him enough times, that I'm relieved I'm not doing it again.

Well, I've still got a lot of work to do, still getting cleaned up from Halloween. I've got three corpses that need coffins made for them so they can be stored away. I've decided that between Nick's stuff, and all my projects, I've just run out of room to store things, so I'm going to check into renting a storage locker. There's a storage facility just a couple of blocks from here that would be convenient. Of course, the minute I create an empty space around here, my family makes it their mission to fill it with randon junk. Why is that?

Any way, I'm not getting any thing done sitting here . . .

Scrambled Brains.

I'm not sure I should be blogging until my meds fully kick in. I wasn't able to get down to the doctor's office to pick them up, until this morning. I probably won't be myself until tomorrow or Thursday. Y'all are just going to have to deal with me "as-is" until then. After all, it seems that life goes on regardless of my mental, physical, or spiritual situation. And the past few days have been pretty crappy.

After Nick and Jennifer left Sunday night, Roy looked at me and said,

"you know, this whole thing isn't any where near over . . ."

I knew then, that he was right. Seems nothing involving Nick is ever simple. Nick called me Monday morning before I was even out of bed. He and Jennifer wanted to come over, pick up a few things, eat some lunch, and talk with me. I told him that he could come by IF he was sober. He lied about being sober. I while they ate lunch, they told me that they had plans that evening to talk with Jennifer's parents about moving in with them. Jennifer's parents are RLDS. (Reformed Latter Day Saints) They're good people, but they don't especially care for Nick and his "lifestyle." To make things even worse, Jennifer is their oldest child, and they're having a hard time accepting that she is no longer under their control. Jennifer's grades in High school earned her a two year scholarship in Missouri. She hasn't started college yet because, she has been involved in Nicks cycle of Chaos ever since she graduated. Her parents are desperate to get her away from Nick and enrolled in school, at home. ( I'm sure that having Jen in school again would feel more normal, and in control, to them)

Once again, this morning I was awakened by Nick's phone call. He and Jennifer showed up at 10AM to pack their things and move in with Jen's parents. This time, Nick was sober, but not looking too well. Not only was he nervous about moving in with Jennifer's parents, but he was a physical wreck. Over the past year or so, Nick has been slowly discovering the many, physical, consequences of his addictions. Every time that he relapses, the price he pays gets higher. This morning, he spent the first couple of hours throwing up and trying to soothe the burning in his esophagus. Unfortunately, I don't think that destroying his health, is going to be enough to make him stop. Nick likes to think that he knows more than the doctors do. Just his little lie to convince himself that he has some kind of control. Right now, he really has no idea how out of control his life is.

As much as I hate dealing with him when he's drunk, I think today was worse. Watching him pack his (few) belongings; listening to him try to convince me (actually, himself) that things would work out fine at Jennifer's house; knowing that he wasn't going somewhere so that he could get better, but so that my household could (maybe) get better. Every time I looked at him today, I was shocked by how pale and blotchy his face looked. It's the sort of thing that a mother can't ignore, the sort of thing that demands a maternal response. But he doesn't want a mother, he wants an accomplice, and I can't do that. I can't watch him destroy himself.

So . . . I've been doing my best to stay busy today, and fight off the urge to crawl into bed, pull the blankets over my head, and sleep - indefinitely. I really have plenty to do, the hard part is not thinking. I'm amazed at the arguments and excuses that my brain can throw at me, when I least want to deal with them. I shouldn't have to justify this crap to anyone, least of all myself. It's exhausting.

Ever since Nick and Jennifer left, I can't seem to shake this gnawing feeling of concern and doubt. I know for certain that I can not continue dealing with the insanity and chaos. It's no good for any one. But I really don't have any high hopes that Nick moving out will "fix" anything, and I think that's the hardest part of doing this. For so many years, every decision or choice I've made, has been made in hopes that it will benefit Nick's sobriety. It's hard to do something knowing that isn't specifically geared towards "helping" Nick become or remain sober, without feeling like I've given up hope. With Roy, my husband, I think I did a lot of things to motivate and manipulate, him towards sobriety; but with my son, it's always been more a sense of responsibility. I'm still trying to figure out how to hang on to hope, without being responsible for creating a specific outcome. I think it's a facet of faith that I haven't quite grasped, or learned how to apply yet.

I don't know, I think my brain is scrambled right now. Thank God this day, is over, and I can call it quits for the night.

Good night.

Love,

Susan

Guess what?

I just checked my Yahoo forecast and discovered some interesting information. Apparently, tonight's forecast is . . . Sunny! Sunny? I don't give a shit, I'm going to bed anyway.

Should have seen it coming . . .

You know what I wish ? I really, REALLY wish that I hadn't run out of antidepressants three days ago. I wish I had taken time to phone in the refill, and found time to pick the damn things up. But this has been a busy weekend, and I thought, "Eh, I'll take care of it Monday." I should have known better. But you know, three days isn't a big deal. I've just been puttering along, dealing with whatever life tosses my way. I'm not completely incompetent, you know? It's not like I'm going to fall apart, right?

So, I've been fine. Looking back, I can see, and admit, that maybe, little stresses were a tad bit more uncomfortable, and letting go of stress and moving forward, might have been a bit more difficult; but how was I supposed to know that a bomb was going to be dropped on me today?

This afternoon, I was just checking things off my "To-Do list," and actually, feeling pretty good about it all. Then, I went to the grocery store. When I came home, I found that Nick had chosen today to pull up the carpet in the family room. (the room that he and Jennifer have been using as their bedroom since they moved in - 3 months ago) Replacing the carpet was something that had been discussed, but we hadn't gone as far as deciding what to replace it with. Initially, I thought it was stupid to remove the carpet without a plan, but when Nick came up stairs, it all became crystal clear. It was obvious that he had been drinking while I was at Aldi's

Less than a month ago, Nick and I had a very ugly discussion about his drinking and drug use. Basically, I told him that I wasn't going to tolerate it in my house, and that he and Jennifer needed to find new living arrangements. Of course, they a had no where to go, so we finally came to an understanding. I told the two of them that they could stay, provided that they both got steady jobs, and Nick stayed clean and sober. Roy and I made it clear that if he started using, or drinking again, they were gone - no excuses. He said that he understood, and agreed to live by the rules. He remained sober for 28 days. Of course, since he didn't have any money, I guess it wasn't too hard. He got his first paycheck on Friday. I should have seen it coming, but I guess I've been a little distracted with our Halloween celebration.

In his drunken state, it took almost four hours to make him understand that I intended to stand by our agreement. He and Jennifer finally left at 8PM. (only two hours ago.) They packed a couple of days worth of clothes, and I'm sure they will be back for the rest, eventually. I have no idea where they went. I keep telling myself that he is 23 years old, he made a choice, knowing the consequences, and the rest isn't my problem.

Realisticly, Nick has up coming court dates; one, for his 3rd DUI, and also, a diversion revocation on his 2nd DUI. It won't be long before Jennifer is back home with her parents, while Nick is serving his time in jail. I just wish he could have stayed sober until then.

I also wish I had my medication. Right now, I feel like an emotional train wreck. I know that I really had no choice. I know that I have done everything that I could do to help him. I've even gone so far as doing things that I shouldn't have done. I can't "fix" him - I can't save him from himself.
However . . . I really wish I could stop crying. I honestly don't know how I feel. Right now, I'm just a mess. My brain is still functioning, and I know what is true, but that does nothing to heal my broken heart. Maybe, I just need to go to bed. The last 6 hours has kicked my ass.

Good night.
Love,
Susan

Howling Hollow Asylum 2008: New and improved version with added family memories.

Okay, maybe it IS 5AM, November 2nd, but I finally found a few minutes to post those photos! (thank God for day light savings and an extra hour of sleep!) I've been SO busy since Halloween. I know that clean up is going to be a huge job this year, and as usual, it will be MY job. (for some reason, no one EVER gets all excited and creative about clean up. ) Just as well, they don't have a lot of experience at cleaning up, they probably wouldn't know where to begin! Any way, I've decided that since Halloween was on Friday this year, I'll just leave it all 'till Monday. In the mean time, I've been doing prep work and getting things organized and planned out for storage.

But I digress - again. If you're a regular reader, you've probably seen alot of what the asylum/cemetery looks like. So . . . I've chosen the best of the photos from Halloween night. I'm planning out a post on my haunt blog that will include ALL the best photos - in a cute and clever way -of course. But that's going to take a few more days. (no matter HOW much my husband pouts) My regular blog readers get the best stuff first. I will let you know when the haunt blog is done and posted.

Here we go. First of all, Halloween night weather was PERFECT this year - warm and clear. Things got a little hectic earlier in the day because, at the last minute, I was able to have our home haunt listed on a local news channel's map site of "must see" Halloween decorations in Kansas City. Also, I had a few friends that had already informed me that they would stop by early, and I wanted everything to be set up before they arrived. In other words, At 4PM, we were still at Walmart buying extra candy and a new CD player for the one that quit working at the very last minute, knowing that we were expecting guests at 5:30 PM! But it all worked out. (thank you, God!) and once we threw open the garage door, we had a blast. ( *as usual, you can click on any of the photos to get a closer look)

This is Heather, in her Hippie chick costume. Unlike my sons, who would rather spend their Halloween with girlfriends in sexy costumes, my youngest stayed to help for most of the night before she and her friends went trick or treating together.



This is The Mad Doctor Foley in his laboratory, waiting for our first guests to arrive.


This was our crew for this year. (right to left) Heather, Roy, Alexis, (our next door neighbor and Heather's best friend) and Sebastian. Sebastian is a friend who came to last years Haunt and was so impressed that we promised him he could help this year. He held us to our promise, and he is a very creative actor!!! (I'm going to track him down for next year too!)

Jasmin and Jason, and their kids were one of our first guests. (They dropped off Christian so he and Jake could terrorize the neighborhood) And I got photos of my grand kids in their costumes ! This is Ana as a she devil.

Of course, girls never miss an opportunity to strike a pose in a new outfit.
Ana, Alexis, Heather.

This is my grandson, Caleb as a rootin' tootin' cowboy.

Since we didn't have time to eat, Roy BBQed some brats and hot dogs for the kids and a few of our neighbors.

One of the last minute errands was getting cows hearts, pork brains, livers and intestines from the meat market to fill the Dr.'s specimen jars in the morgue. We used Hair gel to add color and that gross, disgusting effect, and surrounded them up with orange twinkle lights so they would glow. The kids were absolutely fascinated with them.

This is the brain that Dr. Foley removed from Bob our patient. His job this year was to find a willing brain donor to reanimate Bob.

This is Alexis and Sebastian waiting for the "goblins" to arrive.

This is our coffin filled with candy to lure them with. I bought one of those bowls with a hand in the center of it that that says, "HEY!" and tries to grab any hand that reaches inside. I didn't think it would impress many kids because, I'm certain that everyone has seen them before at Walmart. But in the middle of SO MUCH candy, they never even saw it coming! Almost all of them jumped back in surprise.

Sebastian came up with a lot of new skits to try out and this is Roy, Alexis and Sebastian trying one out. (I really like this kid, he's evil! I'm putting him on next year's planning committee!)

Just like in the movies, the cute punk rocker always survives . . .

This is Sebastian acting out another skit for the kids with Elizabeth.

This was a pretty good view of the Asylum.



This is Edna, one of the last corpses that I made. Mostly, she just hangs around the morgue.

Roy and Sebastian (aka: George; the Dr.'s evil henchman) waiting for the next group of kids to show up.

These were some common reactions from little ones when they realised that the guy behind the exam table (Roy) was REAL !

This guy showed up thinking that HE was the scariest monster around. We try not to scare the little ones, but guys like this are doomed !

Halloween is a good night to make new friends. I think they make a cute couple.

The Dr. asked for volunteers to help hold Bob down when he flipped the switch to reanimate him. We planted a back massager under Bob's shoulders, so when the lights, and buzzers came on, Bob would bounce around on the table. A lot of the kids freaked out, thinking that they were going to get shocked. ( of course, watching them jump made everyone laugh)

Around 11PM, things started slowing down, and I lit the candelabra while Roy went to get us some burger's from Wendy's. Romantic, in a warped kind of way, Huh?)

Even the bone boiler seems kind of pretty after a long night of scaring little kids.

Roy and Sebastian.

Dr. Foley and his wife. (me)

We had an awesome time this year. I've got all kinds of new and exciting plans for next year. I can hardly wait!!!

We hope that everyone had a safe and Happy Halloween !!!!!

Good night.

LOVE,

Susan

I'm done - until next year

Hey there,

Well, The Foley family has survived another Halloween. It's been a long and Crazy night. Everyone is home safe and sound, and tucked snug and warm into their beds - everyone except me. I've been sorting through a ton of photos and I am just about crossed eyed from it all. I'm going to shut down the Asylum for another year, and crawl into bed myself. I'll do my best to have this year's photos posted sometime tomorrow.

Good night all, I hope that everyone had a wonderful Halloween !!!

Love,
Susan