Thursday, January 31, 2008

Gutenberg part 1

Almost a year ago, back in February of 2007, I wrote a blog about my Golden retriever, Honey Bear, who passed away in March of 2005. At that time, I had intended to also blog about my German Shepard, Gutenberg, who passed away a year later; however, it was just too emotional. Recently, a blogger friend, Sometimes Saintly Nick, began writing a multi part recollection of one of his former pets, which has been greatly enjoyed by many, myself included. I believe that animals, like people, come into our lives for a purpose, and that we can learn alot from them if we are willing to open our hearts, as well as our homes to them. Since the story of Gutenberg is one that I had wanted to share, I thought I'd give this method a try. I hope that you enjoy it.

The first time that I ever saw Gutenberg was in August of 2001. My husband and I were driving past a house that we would soon be moving into. A house that I thought would become our dream house. It was a 100+ year old country house, at the end of a long gravel road. To the front and rear were acres upon acres of woods that eventually became part of the Wyandot County Park Hiking Trails. To the left, were almost thirty acres of farm land, and beyond that, barely visible, the highway. For five miles to the right, were a handful of homes each settled on no less than 5 - 10 acres of Missouri woodlands.

As we drove past the house, we pulled onto the dirt road to turn around. In the center of that road, was a scrawny, ragged, female German Shepard. Instantly, I could see that this dog had the potential to be a beautiful animal if she was cleaned up and fed. As we drove slowly past her, she drew back her mouth to show her teeth in a vicious snarl and growled deeply. I remember looking at Roy and saying, "If Nick goes tromping through the woods, he needs to be sure to take his BB gun with him." The idea of one of my children happening upon that dog, while alone in the woods, genuinely frightened me and brought out my maternal instincts of protection.

Almost two weeks later, we began moving in to the house. As I returned to my van to get another load of boxes, I saw this dog inside of my car, rummaging for food ! As I walked toward the car I yelled "hey!" in a sharp loud voice. Her head popped up out of a box and she was gone in a flash, disappearing into the woods. Over the next couple of days, I would catch a glimpse of her hanging around the edge of the property. The previous owners had left behind a 1 year old rottweiler mix female that Heather quickly adopted and named Minnie. In addition, we brought with us my 3 legged Golden retriever, Honey Bear. Both Honey Bear and Minnie were friendly dogs, but their presence seemed to keep the stray Shepard at bay.

After we settled in, occasionally, one of the kids would come running into the house in a panic because the "mean dog" was getting too close for their comfort. I would go outside, yell, and she would take off running back to the woods. After Nick told me that the dog had cornered him in the barn, snarling, and bearing her teeth, I began asking our neighbors who, she belonged to.

I learned that she just showed up, almost two months prior to our moving in. Apparently, the remote area that we lived in seemed to appeal to people looking for a rural setting to "dump" their unwanted pets. It wasn't unusual for stray and Ferrel dogs to suddenly appear, and then, just as suddenly, disappear. (usually, either a result of wandering too close to the Highway in search of food, or from bothering the livestock of the farmer to our left, who would shoot them.)

I considered contacting animal control, but hesitated, knowing that her temperament would result in her being euthanized. I knew that it was probably the kindest option, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to be the one responsible for this dogs death. I finally decided that as long as she kept her distance from my kids, I would let nature take it's course and hope for the best.

A day or two later, I was in the kitchen working, when Nick came walking through - with that evil German Shepard following behind him - with her tail wagging !! Even more amazing, she was followed by our other two dogs, who were behaving as if they had known her all their lives !! Before Nick was able to escape through the front door, I yelled, "WHOA !!!"

Nick returned with his parade of canines. I looked at this dog that everyone, including myself, had feared for weeks, and said, "What the hell is this !" pointing at her.

Nick smiled and said, "ah mom, she was just hungry."

I rolled my eyes and said, "I know ! She almost ate YOU last week!"

Nick looked down at her and started rubbing her neck, "Yeah, I know. But I started thinking about that, and I felt really bad about frightening her. So, today, I brought her some food, and she has been following me around ever since. She's a really good dog, can I keep her ?"

"NO !!" I responded, "And get her out of my house, and away from my babies."

"She's my dog." Nick said as he went back outside.

For the rest of the day, I watched her follow Nick everywhere. It was obvious that they both adored each other. She seemed gentle and respectful enough when Nick introduced her to Jake and Heather, but I still didn't trust her. Never the less, there were three dogs lying on the floor, gathered around the diner table by evening. Roy noticed the connection between the two of them, and as usual, took Nick's side. I finally told Nick that if she was going to be in my house, he'd have to give her a bath. And if she EVER showed even an ounce of aggression, towards anyone, she was gone !

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

My One, and only, attempt at poetry

I found it !
This is my one and only attempt at writing poetry. It was inspired by my son, Nicholas' filthy bedroom.


If you're thinking of playing
outside in the sun,
I'm telling you now,
there's work to be done !

You must clean up this room,
it looks like a sty.
There's no use complaining,
or asking me "Why?!"

Pick up those clothes
and put them away.
Or inside is where,
today, you will stay !

Clean up after your bird.
You said that you could.
Make sure she has water,
and plenty of food.

Get rid of those cups,
they're gross and obscene.
If you don't rinse them out now,
they'll never come clean.

You'r bed is a jumble
of blankets and sheets.
Please, make it up now,
and make sure it looks neat !

There are poker chips, rubber bands,
skate boards galore!
If you put them away,
you might find the floor !

The tables are covered
with dirt and debris.
Don't say that you're done
'til this room is dust-free!

Bannana peels, potato chip bags,
Old candy bar wrappers!
It smells almost as bad
as one of Heather's old diapers !

This room is disgusting
I can't stand it anymore !
And that's why this poem
is hung on your door !!!

April 1997

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Patiently waiting to win the lotto . . .

Hey !

Today has been a good day, all in all. I didn't win the lottery or anything, but I've managed to stay busy and productive.

We woke to an overcast 54 degree (13C) day. By 110:am, the temperature dropped to 24 degrees ( -4.44C) with even lower wind chills. By noon, it looked like a blizzard outside, although we only ended up with a couple of inches of dry, blowing snow.

My first, and biggest, job of the day was to keep Roy from sinking into despair. He only had one service call and none of his other (previous) employers had any work that needed to be done. Roy can easily fall into depression and give up. Understandably, during times like this, he could easily go to bed, pull the blankets over his head, and sleep all day and night. I finally convinced him to ONLY focus on what CAN be done, and on moving in a forward direction. I told him that I would deal with the rest. I didn't tell him that I would be relying on 100% faith. Anyway, I got him out of the house. (whew !)

Since heather was still running a low grade temp, and has almost completely lost her voice, there was no school. I made a few phone calls, and started cleaning up stairs. As I walked past Jake's bed room, I noticed that he left his lights and T.V on when he left for school this morning. Jake's room is an attic bedroom and the only room on the third (or fourth, depending on how you count them) floor. I make it a rule to avoid going up there as much as possible. Heather's room is bad enough, but Jake is a teen, and a boy. As I walked up the seven steps and slowly pushed the door open, my breath was all but knocked out of my chest. I had never seen his room in such a state of total disarray ! The mystery of where all my missing dishes had gone, was suddenly solved - even though I had sent him to retrieve them at least twice in the last week. I couldn't even fully open the door due to all the debris. Every surface was covered with at least half an inch of dirt and dust. It was unreal. When Nick was Jake's age, his room would become so utterly filthy that I was inspired to write the only poem that I have ever written. (I'll try to track it down and post it tomorrow.) Strangely enough, I didn't close the door and run away in horror. Instead, I went down stairs got my cleaning supplies, a laundry bag, and several trash bags. For the first three hours, I did nothing but sort through the trash, laundry, bags of cheese curls, pop cans, and other various items on the floor. Once I could walk through, sort of, I set about rearranging the furniture, and finding a place for everything. By the time I was able to wipe everything down and vacuum, I looked at my watch and realised that I had spent FIVE HOURS in this one room ! At 6:00PM, Roy arived home, helped me carry the four bags of trash to the garage, and I started dinner while he went to wait for the buses to return Jake to the school from his ski trip.

After Jake got home and ate his dinner, he took his shower, and spent the rest of the evening enjoying his 'new" room. I think he likes it.

The other big job today was going to visit Nick. I had no idea what frame of mind he would be in. When I got out to the jail, which I have been to countless times, I checked in and was given a tag which specified a different visitation room. On every other visit, I have always been sent to the visitation rooms for the minimum security pods. As I waited, I had no idea what this meant, nor what to except from this change. However, when I entered the visitation cubicle and saw Nick waiting for me, I was relieved to see that he was calm, and pleased to see me. As it turned out, his behavior and phone conversation with me the night he was arrested DID result in him being placed in a suicide watch cell. Nick felt rather embarrassed by this because, as I suspected, it was all drunken hysteria and ravings. In fact, his memories of Sunday night were jumbled with alot of gaps. Nick vaguely remembered an argument before he left the house, and his biggest concern was that I might still be angry with him. He had no recollection of his phone conversation with me, and when he awoke in a suicide watch cell, he was worried that I had requested he be put there. (which I didn't) I had to explain the events of that day to him, and he was somewhat able to tell me how he was picked up and arrested. As it happened, he ended up at his A.A. home group meeting place, which is, conveniently, only a block or two from the bar. He later learned that someone at the meeting hall called the police and requested that he be removed - for obvious reasons.

Anyway, he has come to terms with the fact that he must serve his time, and is trying to figure what the best way to make use of his time would be. His resources and options are pretty limited in county jail. Although, there is a good chance that he will be "farmed out" to a small, less crowded, county jail in order to free up space in Johnson County, and who knows what options that will result in ? I think that's another thing that will depend on faith, and God's will.

So I think that my visit went well. Nick understands our financial situation, and he's okay with waiting to get money on his phone account and commissary account.

Okay, It's getting late, and I need to get myself to bed. My head is trying to produce mass qauntities of snot, but I'm pretty sure that it's just the result of the weird, extreme temperature changes today. All the same, I should probably get some extra rest.

Good night all, hope you have a great Wednesday/Thursday !
Love ya,

Monday, January 28, 2008

A better day

Hi there,

Don't worry, I am not going to write a horrible depressing post. You all have been so wonderful with your words of encouragement, and I am very lucky to have friends like you. Thank you for being there for me!

Maybe this sounds horrible, but I woke this morning with a sense of peace, almost a feeling of relief. I know that Nick is probably feeling angry, depressed, frustrated, and who knows what else; but In my heart, I know that he is safe, and that he will get through this. Hopefully, it will make an impression on him, and he will change his thinking and his life. I know that addiction is a huge obstacle to overcome. But I know that it CAN be done. And if it can be done - Nick can do it.

I know that Nick tried to call today, but the phones in his pod were not working right, and all I got was a bunch of beeps and tones. I'm not at all upset about that. Chances are, he just wanted someone to bitch and scream at. He has visitation tomorrow at 9:15 PM, and I will see him then. If he wants to scream and yell, I'll leave and wait until Saturday to visit, - maybe he'll calm down by then. I am done dealing with irate, out of control addicts.

Since Heather shared her virus with Jake last week, it's only fair that Jake shared his with Heather. Jake came home Thursday running a fever and has been struggling with a sore throat, cough and congestion all weekend. Heather started running a fever this morning and she has been a mess. I've probably mentioned this before, but both my daughters have a zero tolerance for pain and discomfort. They tend to take everything personally. All day long, Heather has been moaning, "what's WRONG with me ?! Why am I always the one who gets sick ?!" I have very little tolerance for whingers, so after spending most of the day rolling my eyes at her, I finally said, "Well, I am sure that you have done something to deserve this, you might as well confess." Which of course, pissed her off and she called me a "mean mom." Which is probably true, but I quit being offended by those kind of remarks when Jasmin was 8 years old - it just makes me chuckle now. In spite of being such a mean mom, I've made sure that she got her Tylenol and her decongestants on schedule, her vaporizer filled, her blankets and pillows fluffed, and I even braved the 60 degree weather to get her a Subway sandwich and a chocolate chip cookie - I'm such a bitch.

Jacob is more like me - he refuses to be sick. When he was off school, his biggest complaint was missing his friends and wishing he had gone anyway. He still isn't 100% today, but I'm sure that if he had stayed home, he probably would have killed Heather.

Besides, he has a field trip tomorrow. The 7th grade is going to Snow Creek Ski Lodge in Weston, Missouri. (it's about 45 minutes away) We don't have any mountains out here on the prairie, so they built a huge hill, and bought an artificial snow blower - it's pretty pathetic actually. I have no idea how this is supposed to be educational, unless they are doing a unit on Einstein's laws of motion. Seems to me, there would be a safer way to demonstrate it though. I'm sure the kids will have fun, I just hope the teachers and chaperones bring plenty of Valium.

Oh Lord, Heather just came downstairs and wanted to know "Why God makes HER sick all the time !" I told her that it builds character, and to go back to bed. I don't know if I can take another two days of this. It was so much nicer before they learned to talk.

Since I didn't have to teach, I got caught up on my cleaning. While I was cleaning the family room (Nick's room) I found an empty pint of Peach flavored vodka under his dirty clothes. I suppose I'll have to go through his things and pack them away before the kids get into them. I'll probably be finding all sorts of surprises for a while.

I actually got downstairs today to do a little drawing. Just doodles mostly. I really am going to do some thing. It's always been my version of mental health therapy. It's cheaper than a shrink, and not quite as messy as basket weaving. I think I need to track down a CD player for my art room though, I can still hear what goes on upstairs.

Well, I need to write tomorrow's To do list, and a few other things, so I better get busy before it gets too late.

Love ya,

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Inevitable events

Well, you know, the fun just never stops around here. It's been another crazy day, although I suppose everything worked out for the best in the end.

The day started out calm, and kind of lazy, but I guess Nick got to feeling bored, or something. About 2:30 he disappeared for a while. When he came home, he grabbed the phone and went to the garage. I suspected that he had started drinking, but Jasmin and the grandkids had just stopped by to visit, so I wasn't going to say anything while they were here. Jasmin is a very confrontational person, and she has pretty much lost all patience with Nick and his addictions. I was hoping to keep the two of them apart, but while Jasmin and I were in my art room talking, Nick showed up and started being belligerent, and wanting money so he could go to the bar. So, the one thing that I was trying to avoid, ended up happening anyway. The two of them got into an argument, and eventually, Nick just left.

I assumed that he would go to the bar to seek comfort, but I was worried because I knew he had no money. So I spent the rest of the day worrying about him. Finally, around 7:30PM I got a call from him - from jail. I have no idea how the initial police contact occurred, but they arrested him for probation violation. Hopefully, he doesn't have any additional charges, and he can just do his time and be done with it. When Nick called, he was really wasted, and all he wanted to do was cry, and carry on about not wanting to live. I know that he was drunk and stupid, but it's still upsetting to hear. He was a mess. I know that if he continues that way, they will give him a paper suit, and put him in isolation on suicide watch. He won't like that, but they take that sort of thing seriously. Hopefully, he'll just sleep for a while, and be fine when he sobers up.

In my heart, I know that being there is probably the safest place for him. I don't have to deal with the guilt of having put him there myself - he did this on his own. Things here at home should be a little quieter. Except for when he calls, he will be pretty difficult for the next several days - it's no fun detoxing in jail. I have to figure out how to get some money on his books, and on the correctional billing phone account - that could be kind of tricky right now.

Anyway, I just feel worn out and exhausted. I think I'm going to put myself to bed, and hope that things will seem clearer tomorrow.

Hope you all have a great week.
Love ya,

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Another new day

If insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result, then yes, I am living in an asylum. And I want out.

Last night was truly awful. Both my men came home in a pretty worthless state. It's come down to choices having to be made, enough is enough. I gave my husband two options. He says that he wants to make changes, and do what's right. Only time will tell if he is serious. I hope so, because I sure as hell am.

I think that with Nick, it's a different situation. I don't think he still possesses the ability, nor the desire, to make a good choice on his own. (at least not as far as this subject is concerned) At 22 years old, he's no longer a child, and maybe I don't have the right to make choices for him, but I have to protect my family, and having him here is not good for anyone, including him. I have to do what's right - even if he hates me for it. That sucks so bad.

So, after last night, and being up until 4:30 AM, I slept until 11:00 AM. Except for being woke up at 9:30 by Nick. He called to tell me that he was at Sherry's house, you know, so I wouldn't worry ?! If he didn't want me to worry, he should have called at midnight ! Calling me at 9:30 in the morning, after I've been up all night, is just going to piss me off. Of course, I'm sure that thought never entered his mind. Okay, enough of this crap.

Anyway, after a week of sub freezing temperatures, we finally got a nice day. When I got up I noticed that the dogs were eating! As opposed to crying and following Princess around the house. YAY !! They finally gave it up, thank God ! So this afternoon, while Roy was at work, I took them all out for a nice long walk. When we got home, we all curled up in bed for a 45 minute siesta. I needed a day without frantic, out of control behavior - from some body. The sunshine and warm weather was an added bonus. Now that Princess is done toying with them, my boys are back to cuddling and loving me again. For the past five days, I've been nothing more than the human who spoils all their fun. After dinner they all piled on top of me on the couch, and insisted that they make up for lost time.

I spent several hours yesterday cleaning and re-organising my basement art room. It's been a disaster ever since Christmas. So now that everything is nice and tidy, I'm thinking of starting a drawing project. It's been almost two years since I've completed a drawing, and something is telling me that now is a good time to get started. The idea of spending a few hours a day, doing something focused and creative, sounds like a vacation to me. The question is - can I pull it off ? Can I actually escape without being interrupted every 15 minutes? Tomorrow is Sunday, so I'm going to give it a shot and try to get a few composition sketches done.

Okay, I'm going to take a nice hot shower and go to bed.
Love ya,

Not tonight.

It's been a really awful evening. So I won't be posting here tonight.

Friday, January 25, 2008


I am losing my mind. Fortunately, I don't really need one for my job. I've spent the whole week dealing with sick people, and frustrated dogs. I really need a night out. No, I need a weekend getaway. Possibly a vacation ? Maybe, I'll just change my name and run away.

Heather started the whole thing. Sunday night, she came down with some kind of weird stomach virus. Roy started feeling sick on Tuesday. Nick got sick on Wednesday. And today, Jake came home from school with a fever. I have no idea what it is, but it seems to effect everyone a little differently. I've handed out so many pills, I'm starting to feel like a dope dealer. I've actually had to keep a chart of who had what, and when they need more. The catch phrase for the week has been, "Go lay down before someone gets hurt." I've got people sleeping everywhere, at all hours of the day and night. Just once, I'd like to cook a meal that someone doesn't regurgitate.

And of course, all this had to happen the week that Princess has gone into heat. On top of the usual chaos, I've got three, brain damaged, male dogs running around acting stupid. For the past four days, I have had Princess confined to the family room downstairs. Of course it's pretty much useless - they know. The boys don't eat, they don't sleep, all they do is whimper, cry, and shake pathetically. All three of them sound like they have a squeaky toy stuck in their throat. Even if I could escape the "pediatric sick ward", with temperatures in the teens, I can't take them outside long enough to run off their excess energy. I've found a clinic that will neuter them at a reduced cost, but until things pick up for Roy at work, it will have to wait. So, for now, we're all stuck here in the loony bin together.

Well, I'm really tired. I need to make sure that everyone has what they need for the night, then get my self tucked in as well. I just wanted to let y'all know that I haven't disappeared - at least not yet.

Good night.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Living in the moment.

Okay, first of all, it's completely impossible to blog about anything, much less think, while Heather is on the couch blabbering away. Since we are down to just one computer again, our daughter has returned to the land of the living. (Or at least, the living room.) That's right, she's migrated upstairs and she won't shut up. She is talking to the dogs, talking to the T.V., talking to me - I think - and I have no idea what she is talking about, because there is just no pause - ever.

I know this : If I hear the phrase, "I'm bored" one more time, I am going to spontaneously combust ! I am so certain that she is going to say it, that I'm starting to imagine what it might feel like. Will I have any warning signs like smoke coming from my ears ? Does it hurt ? Or is it just like . . . .WHOOOOSH ! ?

I need to focus. Focus Damn it !!! Any way, I was having a lovely sleep this morning . . . uh, this afternoon? When Jacob shoved the phone in my face and said, "It's your daughter who isn't Heather." Which is what he always says when Jasmin calls. Before I could even pry my eyes open, she was telling me that she could cut Jacob's hair today, because she was going into the shop to cut Christian and Ana's hair. All that was fine and dandy until I asked her when she wanted me to bring him over. She said, "soon." I didn't like the sound of that, so I said, "how soon?" She said "Like, soon - soon." So I jumped up out of bed and was ready to go in about 45 minutes. Isn't that what you would do if someone said, 'Be here soon-soon ?' Nick and Heather came along for the ride, and as soon as I got Roy his Nyquil, we were on our way. (See, the last week has been high stress, so Roy is sick. Remember? Stress related illness? I was right, huh ?) Okay, I arrived at Jasmin's and guess what ? She was still in her pajamas, and she still had not gone to get the kids some lunch, and she's was in no hurry what so ever !!! Okay, so Jasmin has a warped sense of humor. I just took a deep breath, relaxed, and took Nick to go visit with my mom while she dealt with the whole crazy kid thing - at what ever pace she desired.

Nick and I chatted with mom, who is trying very hard to quit smoking. I know, I need to quit too, but I'm just starting to feel happy again. Maybe, that's why I'm starting to think about it. I said, I'm just thinking about it, okay ? Everybody is so pushy about this. But I'm thinkin' about it, I just don't want to rush into anything. Gosh, I say that alot don't I ?

Anyway, Since I was now convinced that Jasmin really had no schedule at all, Nick and I grabbed a bite to eat at Arby's. * Wouldn't it be nice if you could order food and it looked just like the photo on the menu? Just a thought. Nick and I had some time to chat at lunch. I get the feeling that he's starting to feel restless about life in general, which worries me. I've kind of reached the point where I can see trouble coming, but I don't really know how to stop it, because. . . . it's just life. HE has to figure out how to work through it - it's not something that I can do for him - or even explain very well. I suspect that he's already made the choice, all I can do is wait and see what happens - and remember to breathe.

When we got back to Jasmin's, she was dressed, the kids had been fed, but no hair cuts. Instead, she was laying in bed with Jason. So I left Jake to spend the night, and took Nick and Heather home.

Since then, it's been kind of a lazy Sunday. I got a few things done, but at my own speed. Recently, I've noticed that I tend to escalate at the slightest hint of stress or anxiety; or allow one situation to set the tone of my day. In fact, just today, I sat and watched my mother do that while we were visiting. We touched on a subject that is a source of worry for her, and she was off. In 5 minutes, her thinking had gone so far into the future, that she almost worked herself into a major depression thinking about all the 'what ifs' and possible outcomes. On the way home, Nick mentioned that he admires her because she thinks about the future. I told him that thinking about it is one thing, but we have to live HERE, in the present. The same thing goes for the past. There has to be some kind of balance. Why is that so hard to do?

Well, Heather has finally worn herself out and gone to bed. She's probably not sleeping because there is no school tomorrow. (Martin Luther King Jr. Day) Roy and Nick zonked out hours ago. I'm going to take a head count of the dogs, make sure they're all inside, and settled down for the night, then I'm going to bed. Hope you all have a great week.
Good night.
Love ya,

Wanna a cookie ?


I baked cookies !! Everybody, hurry over and we can have a tea party, Okay? I know, I said just last night that I was going to be good and cut out the junk food. Did you really take me seriously ? Well, don't do that anymore.

Actually, I just got so bored this evening - I had to do something. So I decided to bake cookies and torture the dogs. Hehehe. Everytime I turn my back on the table, one of them casually strolls past and raises his/her nose to the edge of the table and sniffs deeply. They know better than to actually help themselves, but they get as close as possible. Then of course, they walk back to the kitchen threshold, lay down with their chin on their paws, sigh deeply, and pout. It's the most pitiful thing you've ever seen.

It's been another one of those days. It's SO cold, nobody wants to get out and do anything. So I'm stuck with a bunch of couch potatos. I shouldn't complain. They're just relaxing and hanging out at home. I'm just not a big T.V. watcher, so it's hard for me to relate to that kind of mindless relaxation. I have to be doing something, reading something, making something, and if all else fails . . . eating something.

I did have to go to the grocery store this afternoon, so I informed my husband that he needed to find his shoes and go with me. While we were out, Jasmin called on the cell phone. She wanted to know WHY Roy was going with me to the store ? "uh . . .because, he's my husband and were spending time together, you know . . . just hanging out together ? . . ." Ater a long pause, she said, "uh, Okay . . .whatever. . . " Is there a reason why it should be strange for me to just want to be with my husband ? My kids are so weird. Even Jasmin, who is grown and married, just refuses to see Roy and I as being like . . . a real "couple." If Roy and I get all kissy face and affectionate in front of them, they just freak ! (Sometimes, I do it just to get rid of them.)

Anyway, since this has been such a dull and boring day, I'm going to answer one of Mel's quizes. Here goes . . .

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

>No, but sometimes if I give Roy a lick, he seems to work better.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?

>You know what? I'm going to pass on this one.

Ever been in a car wreck?

>Just one fender bender, no biggie.

Were you popular in high school?

>I was barely conscious during most of high school.

Have you ever been on a blind date?

>Yes, but I peeked.

Are looks important?

>looking your best is important, but there is more to people than how they look.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?

>That's bound to happen when you are as old as me.

By what age would you like to be married?

>I got married 18 years ago, and I expect to remain married until one of us croaks.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?

>Nope, makes no difference to me. I only sleep with ONE person.

Have you ever made a mistake?

>Not on purpose.

Are you a good tipper?

>I think so. I always tip 15 - 20% at restaurants, depending on the attitude and service of the waiter/waitress. I think that it's more important to treat servers with repect and good manners. (please and thank you.)

What's the most you have spent for a haircut?

>No clue.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

>Not really.

Have you ever peed in public?

>Not on purpose.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

>They can hire a D.J and take requests.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?

>If my mom wants to know about my sex life, she can shell out $12.99 and purchase the DVD just like everyone else.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?

>Oh Shit, what did I do this time ? I don't think it matters, I doubt I'll be able to keep much down.

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?

>All the people who piss me off are already dead.

Do you have any phobias?

>I developed a fear of heights when I lived in Colorado and I had to drive all those scary mountain roads. Also, I really think that all snakes should die.

What are your plans for the future?

>To live happily ever after.

Do you walk around the house naked?

>If I am naked, I'm not going to waste my time walking around the house.

If you were an animal what would you be?

>Something at the top of the food chain.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

>That's just a sick question.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?

>Tell the dogs to stop it.

Are you missing anyone?

>I'd like to know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

Where do you want to live when you are old?

>Somewhere close to my family, it they are still speaking to me.

Who is the person you can count on the most?


If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?

>Well, I wouldn't want to date anyone who is dead . . . I'd be happy if I could date my husband.

What did you dream last night?

>It was something about something with a really big thingy. . .

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

>I don't drink alcohol.

Non alcoholic drink?


Have you ever been in love?

>I am in love.

Do you sing in the shower?

>No. But I know people who do.

Have you ever been arrested?

>Yup, didn't you see that episode of cops ?

What is your favorite Holiday?


Would you ever get plastic surgery?

>Who the hell has time for that ?

Have you ever caught a fish?

>Yup, but not a really big one.

Okay, I'm done. I'm going to bed. Goodnight all.



Saturday, January 19, 2008

T.G.I.F. !!!

I did it ! I survived the week ! I don't know how you all feel about it, but I am so proud of myself ! Since Monday, that's been my goal - just get through the week. Generally, I set my sights higher than mere survival, but this week, there havebeen moments when I questioned whether I'd make it.
In fact, this whole new year has been difficult. So I've decided that enough is enough. The end of this week is a new beginning. And whatever comes, is going to be fine. I simply refuse to continue with my present state of mind. This weekend is going to be all about moving forward and learning to be content.

I started reading a new book. It's called Change your Heart, Change your Life by Gary Smalley. Gary Smalley is a christian author/councilor who generally writes about relationships. I've been really impressed with his insights and approach to that subject, and I've found a lot of his principles to be very helpful. But this book is kind of different. I've only just started it, but it examines how we deal with life, and respond to our circumstances, based on our core beliefs. If nothing else, it's got me thinking about what my core beliefs really are, and where they originated. And of course, I am discovering that what I say that I believe, doesn't always line up with how I respond or behave. I think this is going to be one of those books that need to be read slowly and thoughtfully. I like books like that, ones that make you think and question.

My hubby has been home sick today. He seems to have a slight case of food poisoning. (what a surprise !) Apparently, while raiding Tracy's refrigerator, he fed himself some pizza of questionable age and origin. I'm absolutely amazed by some of the things that men will put into their bodies. Is it because they think that they're indestructible? Or do they just not care ?

That's another subject I've been pondering lately. Not just male foraging behavior, but what people, specifically my family, put into their bodies on a daily basis. I know that I'm probably the worst offender; but lately, I've noticed that my bad example seems to be having a greater impact than I realised. Of course, I can't really control what my husband or kids eat when they're running around loose, but I can control the crap that I eat, what is in my house, and what I cook for my family. So I've decided that's something that I need to work on. Because, you know, I just don't have enough projects already, right ?

Well, I need to get myself to bed. I've got quite a long to do list for this weekend. Good night all.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Snow day !

They say that we ended up with almost four inches of snow by morning. Not too sure that I believe that, but it's truly cold ! Too cold for snow play. ( the wind chill is around zero degrees) The outside of my front window has a sparkling valance of icicles. Very pretty.

Since school was cancelled, I ended up with a house full of bored, frustrated kids. Poor Heather, after spending several days writing a story on the computer, discovered that the downstairs computer crashed during the night, and she lost everything. She is one sad, unhappy camper. I think that she has decided to start a writing blog so that she can get to her stuff from any computer. To distract her, we made some cupcakes and played a game of Scrabble. (with the board and wooden tiles.)
Jacob would have preferred to be at school with his friends, but between video games and the phone, he managed to survive, despite Khris being gone most of the day.

I managed to get things settled with Tina this morning. (we're staying put until spring) With that weight off my shoulders, I spent the rest of the day being lazy - mostly. I managed to clean out the refrigerator, something that I'd been dreading for weeks, and I cooked a big lasagna dinner for my working men.

I'm just relieved that our week has finally taken a turn for the better. I'm ready for a quiet evening and (hopefully) a quiet, productive day tomorrow.

Good night all,

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Hey there,

I woke up to a dark, cold, drizzly day. I just wanted to pull the covers up to my chin and sleep all day. I almost did. You don't even want to know what this weather has done to my dainty auburn tresses. I don't know, maybe it's not the weather, maybe I've just got so much stress that even my hair is fried. Can stress fry your hair ? I'll have to ask Jasmin.

Anyhow, I managed to make it through the day. Roy came home a little early to take the kids and I to see a house in Parkville that he did some work on a couple of weeks ago. It's for rent, and. . . . I guess it's okay. It's got some really nice things that I like. A huge back yard with a two car garage. It also has a dinning area, which is one of the things on my wish list. However, the bedrooms and kitchen are small, and it only has one bathroom. The neighborhood seems good - lots of kids. It could work.

Unfortunately, the guy who showed the house is not the owner. The house belongs to his brother, who is blind. He will have to talk with him and get back to us tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to see if I can get a hold of Tina tomorrow, (our land lord's rental person) and see if I can work something out. I really don't like dealing with her, but I REALLY do not want to take Jake out of school and move him, when we only have four months left on our lease. Whatever they have planned for this property, it can wait four months.

Anyway, as we were driving to Parkville this evening, the rain changed over to snow. We now have about an inch of the white stuff, and it's still coming down. The dogs are making me crazy with their in and out routine. Out to play and roll around, back inside to warm up, then back out. . . They are worse than the kids ! At least it gives them something to focus on besides Princess.

Yes, it's that time of the season for her - UGH !!! And no, I haven't gotten the boys fixed yet. It's a good thing that she's such a mean little bitch ! She won't have anything to do with these monster doggie boys. She has been seeking comfort and refuge with Angel this week. Angel is such a nurturing soul, she lets her snuggle beside her and growls at the guys if they get too close. Of course, if Angel is somewhere else, Princess has no problem defending herself. I'm just tired of all the crying from the boys - what boo-babies ! Princess is saving herself for the right dog - her prince. It just scares me to think of what kind of dog would actually tolerate her crap. She is like the canine equivalent of Roseanne Barr with PMS.

Oh my Gosh, I am so tired of all this insanity. Part of me just wants to escape to somewhere quiet and peaceful, but my heart knows that there can be no happiness without all the people who make me crazy - my family. I am such a sick, twisted person.

I just made a batch of pumpkin muffins. They're SO yummy with honey-nut cream cheese on top ! Not exactly healthy, but it could be worse. I could eat the whole batch. I could, but I won't. Even if I did, I'd never admit to it.

Okay, I'm just rambling now. I need to get myself to bed.
Good night.

I can't Sleep !


It's 3:00am and it's been a crazy, stressful day. I wasn't even going to post this evening, but for some reason I can't seem to sleep - my brain won't shut off. So here I am.

I found out this morning that Roy's negotiations with our landlord seems to have broken down, so it's looking like a move is in the near future. I've gone back and forth on how I feel about that and I've finally concluded that it doesn't matter how I feel, it's going to happen and I have to trust that all will work out. And it will.

Let's see, what else is new around here? Hmmmm . . .

Heather has been running a low grade temperature all day and feeling generally yucky so we took the day off.

Jacob came home from school, and announced that he wants to change his name to Rinaldo. Now why didn't I think of that when I was picking out baby names ? Sounds to me like he is thinking about running away with the circus. I hope that works out for him. I don't know where he comes up with this crap.
My kids are so strange.

When Jasmin was little, I used to tell her that if she didn't behave herself, I'd sell her to the Gypsies. Now that she has her own "demon daughter", she threatens Ana with the same fate. Recently, she took her kids to the Renaissance Festival where they had a Gypsy camp set up. As soon as Ana saw the camp and all the Gypsies dancing around the fire in their beautiful costumes, she gave Jasmin's sleeve a tug and said "Mom ! I wanna go with THEM !!! They're so cool !!!"
Sorry, it's late. That was just a random memory. Has nothing to do with what I was talking about.

What else . . . Jake and Heather instigated a food fight at dinner this evening. That was fun. They started tossing french fries into the air for the dogs to catch, it quickly escalated to "fry slaps", and after that, it's all a blur. I don't even care any more. It was fun, and the dogs REALLY enjoyed it.

Since Nick has been home, he's been working with Roy to earn some extra money. However, during income tax time, (now thru April) things are usually pretty slow for them. So this morning, (actually Tuesday am) Nick went down to a temp service and started working for a guy who is opening up a furniture store. So he spent today unloading the truck, and for the next couple of weeks, he'll be assembling and moving furniture for him. Nick is happy. He doesn't care what he does, he's just happy to work. He has always been that way, he can't stand to be bored, it's one of the things I really like about Nick.

Uh oh, the big old bear just wandered down stairs and gave me one of his looks that says he disapproves of me being up so late. He's been in bed since 9:30 pm. Maybe he's slept long enough for me to get a cuddle. Wish me luck, I'm going to give it a shot.

Good night all.
Love ya,

P.S. Mel - My blogger has been doing weird stuff all night too. Not the same things as yours, but it won't let me do certain things.

Monday, January 14, 2008

The results of romance

I know, I've been missing in action for a while. Life has been . . . weird. I guess that's sort of stating the obvious, huh? But this past weekend has gone from one emotional extreme to the other, and I'm just now starting to recover.

You know what else is weird ? Marriage. At least mine is. After 18 years of marriage, things get pretty comfortable and routine. But sometimes, usually by accident, my husband will say or do the right thing, at just the right time, and a spark is ignited. That's how my weekend began. Sneaking around the house, giggling, and trying to ditch the kids (and dogs) like a couple of teenagers. It was wonderful.

The honeymoon only lasted until Sunday morning - when he hurt my feelings, and I turned on him like a rabid animal. Why do men do that ? By the grace of God, they get a good thing going, and they just can't resist screwing it up by being . . . men ! One of those things that I normally wouldn't give more than half an hour's frustration to, but because we were having such a wonderful weekend . . . I didn't take it well, and it turned into a full blown fight. Roy and I don't have episodes like that very often, and I guess it's a good thing that they are usually over stupid, unimportant things - it makes it alot easier to forgive and move on with life.

We were supposed to go house hunting this weekend. We only managed to go see one house. It was one that we were really hoping would be THE HOUSE. It really was a beautiful house, but I'm tired of moving, and I guess I am being picky. I have a very clear picture of what I want, and I just have a feeling that I'll find it. Hopefully, Roy won't loose patience with me before then. Technically, our lease isn't up until June, but because Roy used to work for the people that own our duplex, they are willing to work with us. Maybe it would be better to wait until spring, after the kids are out of school, but I think that we need to be looking. I know that it sounds crazy, but I just have a "feeling" about all of this. Like, if I look at enough houses, I'll know "my house" the minute I walk into it. I don't know, maybe I still have too many romantic thoughts floating around in my head ? Most likely, I'll look at a ton of places, and eventually, I'll get sick of it and finally say,
"Hell with it, this one is close enough." I hope it doesn't happen that way.

Well, it's getting late, and for some reason, I'm exhausted.
Good night.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Updates and Appologies.

Hey there,

I'm sorry to report that I have temporarily lost my mind. While I am quite sure that this is most likely just a passing trial, I will be spending this evening in prayer and worship because. . . . that's just the way I roll.

For those of you interested, here are today's updates;

I have made a huge batch of cookies (chocolate chip and peanut butter -yum!) and I am currently indulging in several as I write.

Good news, Midnight has learned to catch a cookie tossed into the air ! But, only if your aim is good. (maybe he doesn't see well ? Or, it's possible that he's just lazy.)

Nick's situation remains unchanged. (not exactly news.)

My grandson's father has just learned that he is being re-deployed to Iraq (this will be the second time) in October. Christian, my grandson will be moving in with Jasmin while his father serves his country. (please pray for both of them)

My youngest son, Jake, is denying all knowledge of the whereabouts of his second Quarter report card. (I'm not buying that story.)

Both my mother, and Roy's mother, are both home and doing better.

My hairbrush and lighter are still MIA. (however, my favorite pair of jeans did show up in the laundry.)

Almost forgot, Jacob had his photo on the front page of the local news paper last week. Finally got it downloaded. (click to enlarge) Good news, the whole town now knows that my son is a party animal !

I think that's all for today. Hopefully, I'll be back tomorrow - with my mind intact.

Love to all,

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

* Ugly Ducklings

Hi there,

My good friend, Betty, is so very good at answering those silly blog memes. Especially the ones where they ask you to list 10 or 20 strange, or unusual things about you. Of course I know that it's because she is such a clever and witty person with a real gift for writing. (also, I think she isn't above stretching the truth a bit - for literary and amusement purposes only, of course !) But when I look at those questions, my mind goes blank. To be honest, most of the weird stuff about me just isn't very interesting - or funny. But today, when I walked into Walgreen's to buy a pack of smokes, the meme muse shat upon my head. I realised that some of the strangest things about me, are things that happen inside my dark and cavernous mind.

As I stood in line at the counter waiting my turn, I took note of the man in front of me. He was a tall, thin man of about 45 years old with a thin angular face. His eyes were deep set, and actually, quite striking. He had high cheek bones, and a short, thin nose with a moustache below. His hair was jet black and combed back from his face. All in all, on an attractiveness scale of 1 to 10, I'd give him a 6 or 7 - maybe higher, but he really wasn't my type. As I watched him pay for his items, I realised that my mind was playing that little game that I have played since . . .well, since I started having babies.

In my mind, I began erasing all the lines and wrinklies from his face, and mentally rewinding the years, until I could begin to imagine what this man looked like as a baby. In this instance, I had to look the other direction and stifle a giggle. Without a doubt, his man was a really UGLY baby! As I watched him complete his purchase, and complain about the electronic credit card swiper-thingy, I concluded that this guy had probably spent alot of years in the land of ugly. In my mind, his rude and arrogant behavior confirmed my suspicions. Poor little ugly duckling !

Some people are easier to visualise than others. Strangely enough, senior citizens are some of the easiest. In spite of the gray hair and wrinkles, they are who they are. They don't feel the need to look like the people in magazines. In spite of still being young, teenagers usually do their best to eliminate all remnants of childhood, so they can be a little more challenging. When Jasmin was about 8 or 9, and struggling with self-esteem, we used to flip through the fashion magazines and giggle at how we imagined the all the gorgeous models looked as babies. But like the guy at Walgreen's, the biggest give away is their behavior.

I realize that my imagination probably isn't very accurate. I've seen alot of babies, and in reality, very few, are actually ugly. I think that most of the ugliness comes later, and for the most part, it's probably more of a perception on the child's part - which is actually quite sad. It's just my twisted little game, and it gives me an occasional giggle.

Well, sadly, that was the most interesting part of my day. I'm ready to gather up my shoes and socks, and head off to dream land.

Have a great Wednesday.
Love to all,

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Hairbrush Song

Okay, it's 12:30 in the afternoon and this is the way my day is going. Not only is my hairbrush missing, but I can't find my lighter, or my favorite pair of jeans. I can only conclude that I've been robbed !! Either that, or the dogs have them in the back yard with all my other stuff. Which would really suck, because it's been raining since last night and now, it's turning to snow. Damn, I'm screwed until spring !
More updates later....

Monday, January 7, 2008

* Refuge

Oh My, I'm feeling kind of pissy today. I just hate it when things don't go my way, and people are rude, and insensitive boobs. It's just been one of those days. Muddy floors, stubborn, whinging kids, neglectful husbands, needy, nagging, defiant, people. So much stress, so much frustration. And I haven't left the house all day !

Okay, I'm not staying here. I am going . . . . . To a chalet in the mountains of Europe. Maybe France. Waaay up high. Not a huge chalet, smaller, but older - very old. Built entirely of time worn natural stone, in hues of slate blue and gray . . . with huge beams of natural wood timbers. . . and smooth, dark, hardwood floors.

There is a huge stone fireplace in the bedroom with a softly crackling fire burning inside. The mantle is a solid piece of smooth hardwood with an ornate carved stone crucifix in the center. On each side of the fire place are big comfy arm chairs adorned with thick, soft blankets to snuggle into.

The chairs face large payned windows frosted with snow, and decorated with delicate icicles. With a view of the wooded forest that is spectacular. Behind the dense fir and pine trees, the sky is a Maxfeild Parrish blue of twilight fading into night. The moon is round and full, and reflects silver-blue off of sparkling white, pristine snow. Beautiful, fat snowflakes silently fall to earth. Everything is still and peaceful.

Nothing electrical, only the soft glow of candle light, and fire light, fills the room. Across from the fireplace is a massive four poster bed covered with thick, down- filled blankets and piled with large, soft pillows. I could sink into that bed and watch the snow fall and the fire light flicker. All my stress and tension would melt away.

Outside, I would watch as a large grey wolf creeps along the ridge line of the mountain, raises his head to the moon, and howls mournfully for his mate; all the while, wrapped in the peace, warmth, and security that comes from being held in the arms of God, surrounded by the beauty of His creation.

All better now. I think I'll go soak in a hot tub and crawl into bed now. Tomorrow is another day - one day, I might find myself in the place I just dreamed. Anything is possible.

Good night, and love to all,


Sunday, January 6, 2008

* Why do fools fall in love ?

Hey there,

Well, I went to go see my mom today. I have concluded that this woman is crazy. According to her, she became seriously distressed over her breathing on Friday. She came home from work and sat in her big comfy bed room chair, where she sits to read her paper and do the crosswords, and stayed there all night. Why ? Because she was completely unable to breathe when she laid down in bed, and she was waiting for the urgent care to open at 9 AM.

It seems to me, that if a person is unable to breathe, they would either go to the emergency room, or call someone to take them - not my mom. She sat there trying to breathe until 9 AM, then drives HERSELF to urgent care ! I asked her how she managed to get there with such a low oxygen level ?

Her response, "I took two deep puffs off my inhaler, jumped in the car and drove there."

Then she added, "Oh yeah, I smoked two cigarettes on the way there, and then two cigarettes on my way to the hospital, because I knew that they wouldn't let me smoke when I got there."

I just shook my head and sighed. I know that she's just waiting to be released tomorrow so she can light up a smoke, go home, change clothes and head straight into work. She has already made it clear that she HAS to go to work tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do with this woman - except, to get close enough to check on her on a regular basis.

As soon as we left the hospital, we went straight over to Jasmin's house to look at a few houses over by her and my mom. I don't know, I have to have a place that's big enough for us, and alot of the houses in that area are older. Many of them are beautiful, but the rooms and the lots are small. I've got a few numbers that I'm going to call tomorrow. I'm just hoping that we can find something soon. Jasmin wanted us to stay and hang out for a while, but my hubby was in one of his poopy moods, so we headed home, feeling kind of disappointed.

I got home, checked my emails to find that Roy's mom will also be released tomorrow. In spite of the fact that she just had a serious surgery, and she's 89 years old, I worry about her less than I do my mom. Two of her daughters are living with her, she takes what the doctor tells her seriously, and she's got a fantastic attitude.

So tomorrow could become a very interesting and crazy kind of day. I've already got enough craziness in my home and my life. One of the newest, craziest things is that Midnight, my black lab pup, has fallen in love with - of all dogs - Princess! She doesn't seem to be in heat. None of the other dogs are paying any attention to her, and Midnight's overtures toward Princess are not along those lines. He just loves her. Who knows what goes on in the hearts and minds of dogs ? Midnight has always been the sweet, gentle, soulful type. When the other dogs go running along the fence line barking at some stranger on the other side, Midnight goes running for the door for protection and safety. Midnight is everyone's favorite play mate because he's just so happy and gentle. However, we have all noticed that he's really NOT the sharpest tool in the shed. He's a little slow, but that's part of his charm. He's the pup that always wants to be close to me. Where ever I go, he is at my feet. When Roy climbs out of bed in the morning, it's Midnight who claims his space, and I wake up every morning with his chin resting on my neck.

I have no idea why this sweet pup would choose the meanest, crankiest, feistiest dog in the whole state to fall in love with. Maybe, he's attracted to that little tiny head, with a sweet face, stuck onto that round plump body ? Maybe he thinks that his love will melt her heart and subdue that savage, bossy, mean streak in her ? Maybe, he's just a romantic ? All I know is that he is obsessed with nuzzling her. He approaches her with a soft whine, and wants nothing more than to cuddle and lick her face. Of course, It could be that Midnight's tongue is bigger than Princess's whole head, but I doubt that is what she objects to. It's a known fact that princess spends most of her time looking for a warm body to snuggle with. But she is just mean enough to reject Midnight's repeated invitations to cuddle. She would prefer to grab hold of his upper lip, and bite until he cries out in pain, and runs to me for comfort. But still, he persists in his gentle wooing of the little beast.

It would be nice if Midnight could tame her with his love . . .but, I just don't think that's going to happen. Princess is just too rotten. And it breaks my heart to see the hurt, confused look in his eyes when she rejects him in such a painful way. They say that opposites attract, and that love hurts, but I don't think Midnight has any idea what he's in for. It's so sad - she's so mean.

Oh well, My kids are going back to school tomorrow, and even my late night wanderer, Heather, is finally asleep. So I better get myself upstairs too and get some sleep.

Good night all,

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Saturday Night


What a day ! I called my mom and she said that she was just too exhausted for visits today. She didn't get much sleep last night, and she wanted to get as much rest in between being woke up every four hours by nurses. I can so relate to that. I never understood why nurses feel it necessary to announce their presence with overhead lights and the clashing of cymbals. So, I will get up to see her tomorrow - whether she likes it or not. For now, I feel better knowing that she's some where safe and she's being looked after. This woman is so impossible. She went back to see the doctor the Thursday after Christmas. He put her on new meds and she started feeling better. So what does she do ? She goes back to work. Throughout this whole episode, I don't think she has taken a full day off work. Even when she started feeling out of breath, she wouldn't go see anyone until Saturday morning. (her day off) She actually drove herself to urgent care this morning, thinking she would get a pill or a breathing treatment and be able to go back to work on Monday. But when they checked her oxygen level and found that it was only 80 - the doctor put her in the hospital. Part of me is just so pissed. For as far back as I can remember, her job has always seemed more important than anything (or anyONE) else in her life. It took me along time to get over being angry about that, and to build a relationship with her. Her job has always been the source for her to gauge her usefulness, and value as a person. It's always been too risky for her to depend on people for those things. I know that it sounds crazy, but I'm starting to feel that childhood jealousy and resentment all over again. But that's okay, I'm a grown up now. I've finally developed a greater understanding and appreciation of all her strange and dysfunctional workings. Doesn't change the fact that I still want to sit her down and shake some sense into her !

So to relieve my frustrations, I spent the day cleaning the shit out of my house, and making sarcastic and pissy remarks to my husband. The temperatures have continued their upward climb this week, the snow has melted away, and our back yard has turned into a mud pit. Which of course, results in muddy paw prints all over my kitchen floor. So really, no one has been safe from my wrath today. Soooo . . . my husband, being much wiser than he appears, gathered up the kids and the dogs, and took them fishing at the lake. By they time that they returned home, I was in a much better state of mind to feed them, as opposed to bite their heads off. I realise that I am a screwed up mess, I'm just thankful that I have people who love me in spite of it. So I should probably come up with some thing sweet to do for them tomorrow to make amends for my behavior.

I just checked my email a little while ago, and the news from Florida isn't as good as we hoped. The doctor is going to keep Roy's mom a little longer because they haven't been able to get a blood pressure reading on her right arm. I have no idea how serious, or unusual that might be. It certainly doesn't sound good to me. However, I do know this - Roy's mom is the complete opposite of my mom. The doctor told her to get up and about today, and try to use her right arm more. and it is just beyond her comprehension to not do exactly what the doctor tells her to do. Roy's sister included a photo of her sitting up in her chair, eating lunch and holding her pudding cup over her head, with a great big grin on her face. I swear, she is just the cutest damn thing! I can't imagine anyone smiling after having their breast removed. If we could bottle this woman's positive attitude, we could solve the world's problems overnight. All of Roy's (4) sisters live in Florida with her, Deb says that they are just rolling on the floor laughing over some of her conversations - after she gets her pain pills. She's a hoot ! All of the women in her family have a reputation for living to be 95-100 years old. With her attitude, she may out live them all.

Well, my body is aching from the abuse I've given it today. I think I'll go soak in a hot tub and put myself to bed.

Love to all,

Post - holiday Insanity.


I've been trying to get something posted since Friday afternoon, but every time that I sit down to write, something new happens. Unfortunately, it's not been alot of happy stuff.

First of all, Roy's Mother, in Florida, was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly before Christmas. She had surgery Friday morning to have her right breast removed. In spite of the fact that she is 89 years old, and she has given birth to, and raised 8 children, she is one healthy lady! According to all the reports from Florida, the surgery only took 19 minutes, and she is doing great. He should be going home sometime today, maybe tomorrow.

This morning, I got a call from my brother that MY mother was being taken to the hospital. I had just spoke with her on Tuesday, and she was sounding good. My brother Mark, and his wife, Lesta, took her to lunch that afternoon, and they reported that she seemed to be on the mend as well. I haven't gotten all the details of what, or when things went bad, but she ended up at urgent care this morning and the doctor had her admitted to get her oxygen level back up.
So, I'm rushing around here trying to get my house in order, so that I can get up to see her this afternoon after she gets settled into a room. Jasmin gets off work at 3:30 and I think she wants to go with me.

I've spent the entire past two weeks struggling to accomplish anything at all; there has just been so much chaos and confusion. ( some days, just keeping an eye on Nick, is a full time job) Now, I'm looking at the last weekend before the kids return to school, and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done - NOW.

So . . . I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I've just got alot of stuff that I'm trying to juggle all at once. I keep telling myself that I'm just getting all the crappy "karma" out of the way, so that the rest of the year can be smooth sailing and peaceful. At least that's the little mantra that I keep repeating to aid in my denial, and get me through the moment. When I get a moment to breathe, I'll put it all into a more sensible perspective and I'll be able handle it better. Right now, I just have to get through it, and not ask questions.

You all are always in my thoughts and prayers, even when I'm not on line.
Love ya,

Friday, January 4, 2008

* Wednesday Woes

Post from Wednesday January 2, 2008 5:30PM

Hey y'all,

Well, so far, 2008 isn't exactly off to a good start. At least, not for me anyway. Yesterday, we were having issues with the phone, off and on, all day.This morning, I woke up to no phone and no internet. ( y'all know how much I love the cable company, right?)
From the day they hooked us up, it's been one issue after another. We have one local company that provides cable T.V., digital phone, and Internet. I think that
they may have stretched themselves a bit thin because,
it's rare that all three work at the same time !

After I chatting with a customer service rep, in Louisiana! I wasn't the least bit surprised that they had no idea whatthe problem might be. However, they were kind enough to set up an appointment for a service tech to come out and have a look at the situation -- ON FRIDAY !! ( Is he driving up from Louisiana !?! ) The phone started working on it's own this afternoon, but so far, no luck with the internet. So I sit here this evening, typing this on Word until Comcast either figures out which one of their lines are crossed, or they send some one out.

I used Heather's new cell phone to read a few blogs this afternoon and to check my email, but I almost went blind trying to punch all those teeny - tiny bottons. I know that teenagers think those things are so Cool, but I haven't the time, patience, or fingers they require.

Yesterday, I called Jasmin and asked her if she would keep her eyes peeled for a house out by where she lives, so that I can be closer to both her, and my mom. (and of course, my grand kids.) Oh my gosh, you would have thought that those words were spoken from a burning bush ! That girl is ON the situation ! She's emailing me photos, and texting phone numbers, at the speed of light! (With one of those tiny cell phone thingies no less !!) Of course I haven't been able to axcess any of them, but when I checked my mailbox, there were a ton of messages from her.

Bonner Springs, Kansas isn't as close to Roy's work as the other houses that we were looking at, but it's 15 miles closer than where we are now. So it's a compromise, but wth gas prices like they are, even 15 miles closer, will make a noticeable difference.

Okay, this is the new scoop on Nick. This afternoon, he came to me and presented "HIS PLAN". Sorry, but I couldn't help rolling my eyes. Nick, wants to go back to work as a brick layer working for his old employer. (which, in and of it's self, is fine - He's good at it, and the pay is good.) Except, those crews travel from city to city, and they could be on the other side of the country by now - in fact, it's likely that they are. And I'm sure that is what attracts Nick to this idea.

So basically,
he has decided to just ignore the whole situation with the courts, and go on with his life, doing what he wants. He knows that eventually, the courts will catch up with him, and he'll have to serve his time, but he would rather it happen later, rather than sooner. So when I pointed out to him that when they catch up to him - and they will - the effects that it will have on his life
will almost certainly be worse then, than they will be now. His response:
"I can't sit around worrying about what may, or may not, happen in the future."
(urgh ! More eye rolling.)
So we moved onto discussion of that annoying little issue that is the catayst for all his current problems, and the fact that he has yet to change any of the thoughts, or behaviors, that have put him in this situation to begin with.
Nick's response: a look of deep confusion.
More eye rolling on my part.
So, as tactfully as possible, I pointed out that he had yet to accheive sobriety for even 24 hours. Did he really think it was wise to go on 6 month to 2 year road trip (with pay - in cash) with a bunch of guys that are bigger addicts than he is ?
Nick's face lit up, and he said,
"Oh mom, I decided last night that I'm never going to drink again, and meth,
and coke, are just bad."
Well, Glory to God ! He's finally seen the light ! Y'all have no idea what a weight has been lifted from my shoulders !
(At this point, not only did I roll my eyes, but I started moaning, and slowly banging
my head on the wall.)
I didn't even bother with the whole "right vs. wrong discussion." That usually never works out very well anyway. It just frustrates him, and he ends up needing something to "straighten out his thoughts."
Anyway, I told him that a "PLAN B" might be a good idea.

In my world, 75% of the conversations that I have, are like this one.
Anyway, I need to get dinner cooking. Hopefully, I'll be back on line by Friday.

Love to all,

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

VeggieTales Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

In light of the post below (ughhh!!) I am dedicating this song to my husband and Children. It's been playing in my headall day!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Ughhhh !!!!


This has been one LONG, LONG day. Roy is off work for New Years day, Nick is home, (there's a wonderful story) and the kids are out of school until Monday. So I've got a houseful of people, and five dogs, and it's too cold outside to do much of anything. I have so much work that needs to be done, but there is no point in even trying. Roy, and Nick have spent the entire day laid out on the couches in the living room, watching T.V. and eating everything in sight. Heather has taken over the family room - on the computer. Jake and Khris have been up and down the stairs between the bedrooms and the kitchen, playing video games and eating. And the dogs have been just about to drive me crazy wanting in and out all day long. I'm just not the kind of person who can sit around and do nothing, so I'm just feeling a lot of frustration.

Okay. Like I said, we went to go see Nick on Sunday. He seemed . . .Okay, but I could tell that he wasn't as up and positive as he usually is. After lunch we had some time to talk, and he told me that he finally got to talk with his probation officer. She told him that she had no choice but to to recommend that his probation be revoked as a result of his last relapse. Which means that as soon as she can get a court date set, the judge will probably (in light of his record) send him back to jail to complete his original sentence.

So he was feeling depressed, and he just didn't see any point in continuing his treatment at the Rehab, since he wasn't going to be allowed to complete the program. And since he won't be able to complete the program, his diversion on his (two)DUI's will eventually be revoked as well. (completing rehab is a condition of his diversion.) So he's looking at serving almost a year in jail with the three combined sentences.

So Nick called yesterday morning and said that he wanted to come home. And I really can understand that. I miss him, I'd like to spend some time with him if he's going to jail for a year. The problem is, I have to look at the bigger picture. As his mom, I know him pretty well; and as much as I hate to admit it, I know far more about addicts and their motivations than I'd like. I'm far more concerned about keeping him sober and safe than he is. In the long run, he is safer and has a better chance at sobriety, if he stays at the Salvation Army. In addition, he doesn't need any more charges filed against him for doing . . . God knows what, before he gets to court. Which is a very real possibility, if he comes home. So I asked him to please, take some time and consider what his real motivations were, before he made a decision to leave rehab.

Less than two hours later, he called me to say that he was with Roy and he was bringing him home. I could tell from the sound of his voice that he had already been drinking or using. So essentially, as soon as he got off the phone with me, he walked out the door of the rehab, and went looking for a high before he called Roy to pick him up.

When he got home, he passed out and slept until dinner time. I woke up to eat, and two hours later, he started worshipping at the porcelain altar. That continued until I went to bed at 2:30am. And so it has begun. I'm sure that he has no intentions of notifying his probation officer that he is at home and the Salvation Army isn't exactly famous for following the procedures that are required when a court ordered client leaves.

So basically, I have two choices. I can call his P.O. myself, and tell her that he's home, and hope that she does something. Like, Oh I don't know. . . . maybe schedule a court date for his revocation hearing ? Because at this point, she hasn't even done that! In fact, all that she has done so far, is to schedule an appointment for Nick to see her on Jan. 30th. In reality, the courts and court officers don't really care. They do the absolute minimum that's required of them. They could care less if he goes out and racks up another charge - as far as they're concerned, that's Nick's problem. ( good thing he's not a murderer or a pedophile, huh?)

Or, I could patiently wait until he gets drunk/high again, and I can tell him that he can't stay here anymore. Although in the past, that really hasn't worked. The last time that things reached that point, he would either sneak into the house at night to sleep, or after we started locking the doors, he slept in the back yard. It's just too difficult for me to call the police on anyone - especially my own son - who is THAT pathetic.

Bottom line, his P.O. should never have TOLD him what she was going to do - she should have just done it. I guess that would require far too great an amount of intelligence and accountability.

Sheesh, this whole line of thought is starting to depress me. I think that I'll go to bed and pray that Roy and Nick go to work tomorrow - maybe I'll be able to get something done around here tomorrow.

Love to all,

P.S. Guys, I'm sorry for being such a bummer today :)