Sunday, November 2, 2008

Should have seen it coming . . .

You know what I wish ? I really, REALLY wish that I hadn't run out of antidepressants three days ago. I wish I had taken time to phone in the refill, and found time to pick the damn things up. But this has been a busy weekend, and I thought, "Eh, I'll take care of it Monday." I should have known better. But you know, three days isn't a big deal. I've just been puttering along, dealing with whatever life tosses my way. I'm not completely incompetent, you know? It's not like I'm going to fall apart, right?

So, I've been fine. Looking back, I can see, and admit, that maybe, little stresses were a tad bit more uncomfortable, and letting go of stress and moving forward, might have been a bit more difficult; but how was I supposed to know that a bomb was going to be dropped on me today?

This afternoon, I was just checking things off my "To-Do list," and actually, feeling pretty good about it all. Then, I went to the grocery store. When I came home, I found that Nick had chosen today to pull up the carpet in the family room. (the room that he and Jennifer have been using as their bedroom since they moved in - 3 months ago) Replacing the carpet was something that had been discussed, but we hadn't gone as far as deciding what to replace it with. Initially, I thought it was stupid to remove the carpet without a plan, but when Nick came up stairs, it all became crystal clear. It was obvious that he had been drinking while I was at Aldi's

Less than a month ago, Nick and I had a very ugly discussion about his drinking and drug use. Basically, I told him that I wasn't going to tolerate it in my house, and that he and Jennifer needed to find new living arrangements. Of course, they a had no where to go, so we finally came to an understanding. I told the two of them that they could stay, provided that they both got steady jobs, and Nick stayed clean and sober. Roy and I made it clear that if he started using, or drinking again, they were gone - no excuses. He said that he understood, and agreed to live by the rules. He remained sober for 28 days. Of course, since he didn't have any money, I guess it wasn't too hard. He got his first paycheck on Friday. I should have seen it coming, but I guess I've been a little distracted with our Halloween celebration.

In his drunken state, it took almost four hours to make him understand that I intended to stand by our agreement. He and Jennifer finally left at 8PM. (only two hours ago.) They packed a couple of days worth of clothes, and I'm sure they will be back for the rest, eventually. I have no idea where they went. I keep telling myself that he is 23 years old, he made a choice, knowing the consequences, and the rest isn't my problem.

Realisticly, Nick has up coming court dates; one, for his 3rd DUI, and also, a diversion revocation on his 2nd DUI. It won't be long before Jennifer is back home with her parents, while Nick is serving his time in jail. I just wish he could have stayed sober until then.

I also wish I had my medication. Right now, I feel like an emotional train wreck. I know that I really had no choice. I know that I have done everything that I could do to help him. I've even gone so far as doing things that I shouldn't have done. I can't "fix" him - I can't save him from himself.
However . . . I really wish I could stop crying. I honestly don't know how I feel. Right now, I'm just a mess. My brain is still functioning, and I know what is true, but that does nothing to heal my broken heart. Maybe, I just need to go to bed. The last 6 hours has kicked my ass.

Good night.
Love,
Susan

2 howled back:

sparsely kate said...

You're crying and I feel like crying that you are crying!! I'm sorry my friend.

Cat said...

I am so sorry you were out in a place that you had to stand your ground and do something that had to have been terribly difficult. I had a converation with my 16 yo over the weekend - I told him, he had choices to make - and if he chose to break his grounding - he would be chosing to leave the house - permanently this time. I was terrified speaking those words - but I totally understand where your courage came from - hold on.

(hugs)

Cat