Thursday, July 31, 2008

Put a fork in me - I'm DONE.

Hey there,

I'm back. I've been away for a few days. Are you ready for the next installment of the comedic- tragic-drama that is sometimes called, my life? God knows, I wasn't, but I don't seem to have much of a say about these things.

Here's the scoop. Monday night, I'm sitting here at home relaxing, and my cell phone rings. The caller ID shows that it's my oldest son, Nick. Thinking, Gosh, I haven't heard from Nick all weekend. I wonder what he's up to ? (silly me - I should have known better) I answer the phone, and I'm surprised to find that it isn't my son.

Instead, a voice says, "Is this Nick's Mom?"

As you know, ever since Nick was three years old, I feel a certain sense of impending doom whenever I hear someone ask me that question, and I'm never really 100% certain what the correct answer should be. I had already determined that the voice didn't sound any thing like a police officer , so I said, "Uh . . .Nick's mom? Yeah, that's me."

"This is Josh, Nick's room mate." He says,

"We've got sort of a situation, I thought you should know about. Uh, my girlfriend just took Nick to the hospital. Nick sort of got into an argument with a friend of mine this evening . . . And well . . . we're pretty sure that his jaw is broke. I thought you might want to know."

They had taken him to the hospital emergency room right down the street from their apartment, which is about 10 miles from my house. I told him that I was on my way, woke up my husband, and told him briefly where I was off to in the middle of the night.
As I walked across the parking lot towards the E.R. entry, I noticed that Josh and his girlfriend were standing outside waiting for me. He smiled apologetically, and handed me Nick's wallet and snagged my arm. He gave me a serious look and said, "uh . . . it's really bad." then, he walked away. At the time, I was just a little too distracted to realise how strange his behavior was.

The second the automatic door slid open, I could hear my son, screaming garbled obscenities and moaning through tears. He was sitting in a wheel chair only a few feet from the door. His girlfriend, Jennifer was kneeling down on the floor in front of him, holding a bucket full of blood, and trying to soothe him. As I walked up behind him, I saw what looked like burns all over his shoulder and chest, but when he turned and looked up at me, I realised that the pink color all over him was blood stains that had been hastily wiped away. The left side of his jaw was swelled to the size of a cantaloupe and twisted and misshapen. His mouth was covered with blood that was freely flowing into the plastic pan in his lap. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm sorry, Mom."
I looked at Jennifer and said, "What the Hell is he doing sitting here in the hall?!"
"They say that they can't see him for FOUR hours!!" she said helplessly.
I turned towards the reception desk that was a mere three steps away. The receptionist was dealing with a woman who was complaining of chest pain. " I thought chest pain was supposed to be a priority ! I've been here over an hour!!"
I knew that trying to talk to her would be a waste of time. I turned back to Jennifer and said,
"Get him loaded up int the car, we're going to the hospital in Olathe."
As soon as Nick stood up and walked towards the reception desk, I noticed, from the corner of my eye, that the security guard, who had been calmly sitting in his little glass booth, suddenly stood up. I spun around and gave him a maternal death glare, and he sat back down. The two of us helped Nick out the door, across the parking lot, and into the car. On the way to Olathe, I got most of the story from Jennifer. Jennifer had been driving a friend home when it happened, but she got the story from Josh's girlfriend who took Nick to the hospital.

Josh had invited a friend over to the apartment, and the drinking ensued. Over the course of the evening, they both got obnoxious and mouthy. Nick, who is 5' 6'' and 130 pounds, started calling Josh's friend some very unpleasant names. Josh's friend, who is 6'5" and easily twice Nick's weight, told Nick to stop, or he'd get punched. Nick may be small, but when he drinks, he has no fear and even less brains. So of course, Nick looked him in the eye and repeated his comments. Before Nick knew what had happened, he was on the floor screaming in pain. Just one punch. In spite of the pain, Nick was as drunk as I had ever seen him, ranting and raving, all the way to the hospital.

I called Roy and asked him to meet us there because, it was obvious that Nick would be hard to handle. However, when we got to Olathe, they took him to a room right way and left Jennifer and I to do the paper work. When we finished, we asked to go back and see Nick, but they told us to wait until he was settled in. About 30 minutes later, a nurse came back and said that he was going to x-ray and it would be about 45 minutes before we could go back and see him. She also said that he was asking for pain medication, but that they couldn't give him anything because, he was too intoxicated. I knew that this news probably upset Nick, but since we didn't hear any of his screaming and ranting, we assumed that he was content just to have someone doing something to help. Instead of sitting and waiting, we told the nurse that we were going to pick up Jennifer's car at the other hospital and be right back. (Roy had gone home to be with Jake and Heather.)

We were only gone 25 minutes, but when we returned, Nick was standing outside, surrounded by a security guard and four police men. Apparently, while we were gone, Nick went psycho, and started screaming for morphine, cursing up a storm, and spitting blood all over the floor. They kicked him out of the emergency room, and called an ambulance to transfer him back to the hospital that we had just left !!! All the while I was talking to the policeman, Nick was doing his best to be verbally abusive to them. When they finally got fed up with him, and threatened to take him to jail, broken jaw and all, he finally settled down a bit. When the ambulance arrived, Nick refused to go and insisted that Jennifer and I drive him. So, for the sake of sanity, Jennifer left her car (again), we loaded him into my car, and drove him back to the 1st hospital,; while an Olathe police officer followed us!!

When we arrived, they took Nick directly to an exam room, while two police men stood outside the door, in case he got out of hand again. I guess he had worn himself out because, he fell asleep waiting for the doctor. They finally got him x-rayed. When the doctor saw the damage - He explained that he would require surgery. They gave him three shots of morphine before they sent him to a room. The sun was just coming up as Nick finally settled down to sleep. However, they could do nothing for the bleeding in his mouth. Jennifer and I took turns dumping the bucket of blood that he kept coughing up, changing the pillow cases that he slept on, and keeping him from trying to drink anything.

At 2PM on Tuesday, the doctor came in and explained that his jaw was broken in two places, both on the right, and the left side. The left side was the worst. It was totally broken and severely displaced - the worst he had ever seen. The right side was broken, but still in place. Nick had taken a huge bite out of the inside of his left cheek, and that was the source of all the blood. He was able to schedule him for surgery at 5PM, so that he could stitch up his mouth, remove a wisdom tooth that was cracked, and then, set his jaw, and wire his mouth shut.

24 hours after that single punch, Nick was out of surgery, and in his hospital room, with his mouth wired shut. And it will stay that way for the next 6 to 8 weeks, if he behaves himself.
Before I left to go home and sleep, Nick asked if he could come home to my house for a few days. After being up for more than 36 hours, I was too tired to ask questions, I just said sure.

He was released from the hospital at noon on Wednesday, and that's when I discovered, that Jennifer goes everywhere that Nick goes ! (apparently, Jennifer decided NOT to go home last week as planned.) So I spent most of Wednesday tracking down a pharmacy where I could buy all his pain meds and antibiotics, in liquid form, for less than the price of gold ! His meds only cost about 20 dollars, in pill form; but in liquid form, they are 150 dollars !!! It's insane !
This afternoon, I took him to see the doctor for a post-op check, and more x-rays. ( I can hardly wait to see the bill on this one. The little drunken spill off the balcony that he took 2 weeks ago ended up costing almost $2000.oo in E.R. charges!)

Anyway, Nick is doing amazingly well with his new "grill", so he and Jennifer decided that they could handle things at home, on their own, this evening. My house is finally quiet tonight. Of course, it's a wreck, I have to reschedule three appointments that had to be cancelled over the last few days, and I don't even want to think about all the other people and jobs that have been neglected. To be honest, all I can think about is, if this last adventure has finally gotten through to Nick. Is he going to go right back to his old lifestyle when he gets home? He says that he's done with drinking and drugs, but I've heard that before. His doctor knew, without being told, that he had a drug and alcohol problem because, he had such an unusually high tolerance to the pain killers. He warned him not to drink while his jaw is wired shut - if he vomits, he could easily choke to death; but before he left the hospital, they gave him a pair of scissors that he is supposed to carry with him at all times, in case an emergency arises and he has to cut the wires. None of that is the sort of thing that I want to think about.

God, I don't want to think about any of that right now. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I have a doctors appointment, Jake has an appointment to get his haircut, and Heather and I have a Midnight book release party to go to. But before I can do any of that, I have to clean the blood out of the inside of my car. If I get pulled over by the police, they are going to want to know who I killed! Right now, It's late, and I just want to go to bed and sleep. Sorry that this is such a long post, but it's been a LONG three days. Good night.


Saturday, July 26, 2008

I don't have to Justify SHIT, to anyone

Okay, so blogging about this might not be such a good idea. If it turns out to bite me in the ass, well, it wouldn't be the first time. Bottom line, this is MY freakin' blog, and this is what has been rolling around in my head lately. Besides, according to my Google Analytics, nobody reads the damn thing anyway, which is mostly just fine with me. I don't mean to sound pissy, but I am feeling just a tad bit resentful.

Actually, I'm a little miffed because, yesterday, I mentioned to Jasmin (my oldest daughter) that I had plans to go back to school this fall. I really shouldn't have been surprised by her response. I love Jasmin with all my heart, and I am very proud of her, but we don't always see eye to eye about a lot of things. Jasmin's always been a very strong, independent, opinionated, and often confrontational, kind of person. I think that sometimes she forgets that her opinions are exactly that - opinions - and NOT indisputable fact. I was really hoping that as my daughter, and a woman, that she'd be a little more supportive. Instead, she made it clear that she was very disappointed with my decision, and she proceeded to tell me exactly what I needed to do with my life. According to her, I should get a job - any job - make my OWN money, and stash it away just in case my husband doesn't live up to my expectations. (or maybe, she meant her expectations?). Possible employment options included: Walmart cashier, retail sales clerk, or warehouse worker. She then, went on to argue all of my reasons, and to point out all of the pitiful and disastrous results of my past choices. In short, she made it crushingly clear, that her opinion of my life and choices thus far, is that I'm a total loser, a complete failure, a spineless victim, and a complete disgrace to all women and mothers, everywhere.

I suppose that I should have tried harder to defend myself, to point out that not everyone measures success and happiness according to her standards and values, but the underlying tone of her response caught me completely off guard. Which I'm sure, in her mind, only validated her statements. Maybe, that's what upset me the most? The fact that I felt a need to justify my life, to my own daughter.

Part of me was screaming, ' Take her down a notch ! Tell her what a disrespectful, ungrateful little child she's being ! Remind her that she wasn't born with all that glorious independence and confidence that is radiating from her; remind her that it was a gift, purchased by your sacrifice!'
But another part of me, said, ' No, she's going through a rough time right now, she's struggling with her marriage, and a teenage son. She doesn't want to hear that you are at a different place in your life, she doesn't understand.'

So . . . I let her have her say, and I bit my tongue. Since then, I've been struggling with feeling a little hurt, a little angry, and maybe a little sad. I've gone over, in my mind, all of the points that I could have made; I could have questioned her about some of her choices, and the results of them, but at what cost to our relationship? I've even considered that her statements might have a certain truth and wisdom to them. But it really doesn't change anything. Good, bad, or indifferent, this is my life.

I guess the scariest part is, that I felt the same way about my mother's life when I was 30 years old. I always thought my mother's choices had been weak and lame. I couldn't understand why, now that her children were grown, she didn't just go out there and demand all the things that she had compromised for the sake of her children. I didn't fully comprehend that as mothers, we sometimes unknowingly, give away certain parts of ourselves to our children, and it changes who we are, and what we want from life. In a way, our hopes and dreams are recycled, and hopefully, refined. It's very strange to be in the middle here, looking forward through my daughter's eyes, and looking back, and trying to understand and appreciate my own mother.

Oh Lord, thinking like this makes me feel old, but in a lot of ways, it gives me strength and reassurance. I guess as individuals, we are all pretty screwed up. We all have our flaws, and our choices are what they are. For the most part, we do the best we can with what we have to work with. At least, I'd like to believe that. There is no point in getting pissed off about our differences, eventually, it all comes back around, and you have to wonder what the hell you were thinking, when you said and did all that stupid shit.

Enough !

Hey there,

Ah, another Friday night, another week survived. Looking back, this has been kind of a crappy week, I'm actually glad that it's over. With the exception of Wednesday, when I went to the doctor, I somehow managed to accomplish . . . absolutely nothing. For the most part, it's been a lot of useless drama.

Sunday, My husband and I were supposed to go to the Dinner Theater for an afternoon show. Even though we were going with a lot of other people, it was supposed to be a time for Roy and I to be together as a couple. Instead, Roy wanted to do an all night fishing trip with Nick the night before, so I ended up going with Jasmin. It really wouldn't have been a big deal except, as I've mentioned before, Roy and Nick together, just isn't a good idea. I hate being right. All those years of sobriety, all those years of struggle that came before, are being forgotten. It's been that way ever since Nick turned 21. To be honest, Nick has to learn every thing the hard way, so his behavior isn't much of a surprise; but Roy, he's old enough to know better, he's just being stupid. I am NOT going down that road again, not with Roy, it's bad enough dealing with Nick's stupidity. I spent all of Monday and Tuesday making that clear to him. He says, that he gets it but, talk is cheap, he's going to have to prove it.

Of course Wednesday was all about dealing with Doctors, lab tests and setting appointments. Thursday is when Nick and his "girl friend" decided to upset everyone. As of this evening, Jennifer is supposed to go back home to her parents house, so I am praying that all that craziness is over and done.

This afternoon, Heather and I had an appointment so go see Jasmin to get our hair done. That was supposed to be a "girls thing," but 15 minutes before we left, Nick called. He needed to be picked up from work, and he wanted to go with us to have Jas give him a haircut too. I told him that we were planning on having cuts and color done to our hair, and we would be at Jasmin's for at least 3 hours, but he insisted on going with us. He was bored, cranky, and bitchy the whole time, so it really wasn't much fun. I really hate seeing how much drinking has changed him. Nick used to be so positive and happy. Now, all he does is complain and sulk. It's just becoming so obvious that he has a lot of anger and resentments that he needs to deal with. There are times when I feel like I don't even know who this person is. But there isn't much I can do until he decides that he's sick of it.

Anyway, we got through it, and Jas did a great job with our hair, but it feels like it's been a horribly long day, and I'm exhausted. I've felt that way all week. I think that I'd have more energy, if I had cleaned the house top to bottom, and worked my ass off. It's the stress, the emotions, and the constant drama that kicks my ass.

I've had enough for one week. I'm going to go to bed and sleep until I wake up - hopefully, next week will be better. Good night.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

48 Things About Me

1. I am not the least bit athletic, I have absolutely zero interest in sports.
2. That being said, I do, however, love the great outdoors. I just want to relax and enjoy it, and not have to do anything structured. I have enough structure in my home life.
3. I love dogs and wolves. (sort of obvious, huh?) I currently have five dogs, and I would probably have more, if I lived in the country and didn't have to deal with neighbors and city codes.
4. I love to create with my hands, drawing and painting mostly, but I do other things like origami and various crafts.
5. I am a horror junkie. I love scary books and movies. Right now, I'm very into the Twilight book series by Stephenie Meyer. Sort of a teen-vampire-romance thing.
6. I had a stroke when I was 36 years old that affected the entire right side of my body. I have regained use of everything, except for minor nerve damage in three of my fingertips.
7. During the past 19 years of marriage, we have moved over 25 times.
8. I'm sort of an organization freak. (probably the result of so many moves.)
9. At 46 years old, I am just now learning how to relax and love people for who they are - warts and all - myself included.
10. I have three brothers, who I don't feel especially close to, and I don't really have a problem with that.
11. My idea of success, is for all of my four children to be happy with themselves and their lives.
12. I don't like to take naps - waking up is such a pain in the ass, that I don't think anyone should have to do it more than once a day.
13. I prefer small groups to large crowds.
14. I love the smell of coffee, but I refuse to drink it.
15. My favorite colors are earth tones - shades of green, brown, and blue.
16. I have never owned a house, or a new car.
17. I'm a spender, not a saver
18. When I was young, it was my dream to be a fashion designer, but at some point along the way, I decided that fashion wasn't so important. In fact, sometimes it's down right ridiculous.
19. I have a weakness for homemade cookies and cakes.
20. My favorite perfume is Opium by YSL, but rubbing a bit of sandalwood oil on my skin after a shower makes me feel very exotic and sexy.
21. I love to grow things. At any given time, I have over 50 potted plants that I care for year round.
22. I love antiques and anything made of real wood.
23. I was never afraid of heights until I lived in the Colorado mountains, and had to drive on mountain roads.
24. I love music, but I have no rhythm and I am completely tone deaf.
25. I never learned to swim. In fact, it disturbs me to have water splashed on my face. Even in the shower, I keep a hand towel nearby for drying off my face.
26. None of my children are "normal", or typical, and I sometimes question their sanity, but I truly adore them all; and I'd rather be with my husband and kids than anyone else on earth.
27. My favorite holiday is Halloween. I tend to go a little overboard decorating and making it a magical and special night for my kids and the whole neighborhood. (which the neighborhood doesn't always appreciate)
28. I am completely lost without my wrist watch.
29. Whenever I'm out in public, and I get bored, I start looking at people and try to imagine what they looked like as children.
30. Some of the best conversations I have ever had were with my dogs.
31. The longer that I am married to my husband, the more I suspect that he might be a cartoon. (He can put an entire chicken leg in his mouth and pull out nothing but bone. When he rolls over in bed, he literally bounces his body off the mattress, flips in mid-air, and lands on the other side, without waking up.)
32. I love to wander through and explore really old cemeteries. I like to imagine what kind of lives that the people under the tombstones lived. I feel very comforted and at peace there.
33. When I feel hurt and angry, I can be very cruel and cutting with my words; later, I feel horrible, so I do my best to not let anger get a grip on me.
34. I've never met Kate's Ex, but I don't like him either.
35. Some day, I'd like to visit the castles and cathedrals of Europe.
36. I desperately want to buy new living room furniture for my house.
37. My house has caught fire not once, but twice.
38. When I was a child, I used to go to bed at night and pray that I wouldn't wake up.
39. I like to make up silly songs about my dogs. For example:
"I'm a little Princess, short and stout.
Here are my paws, and here is my snout.
When I get excited hear me yip,
Peter, go away or you'll get bit."
* My dogs don't seem especially impressed by my cleverness.
40. I am not very good at being pregnant, ( I always have complications) But damn, I make some beautiful babies!
41. I don't like to drive, and I have a fear of being in a car wreck. Anytime that I have to drive more than 10 or 15 miles, I say a prayer for God's protection.
42. Before I was married, I mostly dated older, married men - I'm not especially proud of that.
43. Before I got married, I worked as an optician for 12 years.
44. I believe that snakes are vile, evil creatures.
45. If I knew then, what I know now, about genetics, I would have been A LOT more selective about the men I slept with when I was younger.
46. I think that being a grown up is highly over rated.
47. If I could change anything about my past, I would never have started smoking.
48. When they did aptitude testing in school, I ranked in the 98th percentile in vocabulary and space relations; my lowest score was math.

A random observation on life with an addict

Alcohol and drug addicts are like little terrorist suicide bombers. They're out there, running around with bombs strapped to their bodies, screaming insane, delusional gibberish; thinking that they alone, are the only ones who understand the mysteries and horrors of the universe.
In reality, they are just self-focused individuals, who are so tangled up in their own pain and unhappiness, that they can't comprehend the legacy of destruction and chaos they leave behind.

Doctors and Family Dramas

Okay, I'm back. The last couple of days have been pretty busy. I finally ran out of excuses for not going to the doctor's office for my yearly check up. (sigh) Unfortunately, my doctor has a talent for turning one appointment into several. So I just decided to get a bunch of appointments out of the way all at once. Monday, was check up and lab work. Tuesday, was have your boobs squooshed in an mammography machine day; (or whatever they're called.) Also, a visit to the pharmacy to get 6 prescriptions filled. (because the Doc changed everything around - again)Friday, I'm going to see Jasmin and get my hair done. Next Wednesday is the optometrist, and Friday, is Pap smear day. (whoo-hoo!) If I can work the Dentist in there somewhere, I'll be done for the whole year !!! I just want to get this crap over with. I'm already sick of being poked, and jabbed, being asked to recount my entire medical history, not to mention all the insurance paperwork.

Now, on to the really interesting stuff. The latest Asylum scandal. Big surprise, it involves my oldest son. The whole thing is just so crazy and complicated, try to keep up, okay?
Alright, I have to give a little background for this, pay attention.

As you know, my house has ALWAYS been the hang-out spot for teens, it started 15 years ago, when Jasmin was a teenager. Jasmin was a bit of a wild child, so we decided early on, that the best way to keep an eye on her, and know who she was hanging out with, was to have the kids at our house. We got to know a lot of really great kids. One of them was Shawn, who became the father of my grandson, Christian. (what can I say? You can't watch them ALL the time!) Anyway, Shawn is a great guy, and our family has a great relationship with him. Also Jake and Christian have grown up together, (Christian is only 11 months older than Jake) and they're good friends. So, we often attend family get togethers at Shawn's house.

Earlier this month, Shawn had a huge 4th of July Party at his house. We went, and Nick came too. Over the course of the evening, Nick happened to catch the eye of Shawn's 18 year old niece, Jennifer. (Shawn's-sister's-daughter.) They exchanged numbers, and started seeing each other. Jennifer is a really nice girl. (she doesn't drink and she doesn't use drugs) However, she tends to be a bit obsessive when it comes to relationships, and she is absolutely crazy about Nick. Nick is well aware that he is an alcoholic/addict, and as much as he wants a relationship, he's really not ready for one at this point in his life. If Nick had a reasonable amount of clean and sober time under his belt, it might be different; but right now, his drinking is out of control. He likes Jennifer, and he says that he has explained this to her. But Jennifer is young, idealistic, and she thinks that she's in love. She thinks that she's going to "save" him, and she has no idea what a mess she's getting into.
Needless to say, this has a lot of people concerned - her parents especially. Even though they are not "technically" related, and they are both "technically" adults, it's still kind of a sticky situation. Our family, Shawn's family, and Jasmin's family, have always managed to maintain a good relationship, and no one wants to see that change. Hell, Shawn has known Nick since he was 6 years old, he taught him how to skateboard.
When I last saw Nick, on Monday, he told me that he thought he had finally made it clear to Jennifer that they were NOT "a couple" and they should just be "friends." ( even though I'm sure it's too late to just be friends) This made me feel a little better because, Jennifer's parents had finally become concerned enough to call Shawn and get the facts on Nick's history, and ask him to talk with Jennifer. That was on Monday. This morning, Nick called his dad to tell him that Jennifer was moving in with him and his room mate. (two bedroom apartment) Apparently, Jennifer's parent's gave her an ultimatum about dating Nick, and she called their bluff. Everyone is freaking out. Jasmin went to talk with Nick and Jennifer this evening. Nick, of course, was too smashed to reason with, so that was a big waste of time; and Shawn, who is a U.S.Marine, has plans to pay Nick a visit tomorrow. Oh God, what a mess. I'm just waiting for Jennifer's parents to call me.

Wouldn't it be nice, if kids magically grew up when they turned 18? Well, it's late and I need to get some sleep. I'm sure there's more to come as this drama unfolds. Good night all, say a prayer for me. (that my head doesn't explode)


Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I really am going to write another post. I'm not in a deep, dark depression, I haven't killed my husband, (yet) and nothing bad has happened to me, so stop worrying. Right now, I have to get off my ass and go walk the dogs. I woke up early so that I could do exactly that, but the kids were sleeping, and I had the computer all to myself, so I've wasted the last hour and an half in front of this screen instead. I'll be back tonight.


Monday, July 21, 2008

Demon Lover: Addiction

I can't sleep in our bed tonight
The scent of your lover is still there
Her stench oozes from your pores
and soils our sheets
You know, she'll bleed you dry
She won't be satisfied until you're
rotting in a dark grave all alone -
she won't lay by your side
I know, that you don't care

I thought, you would love me forever,
that I could take her place in your heart
There was a time, long, long ago,
you took a vow, you made a pledge,
that your heart, your mind, your body and soul
would be one with mine
It was a precious gift,
one that I cherished and loved
Your love, was my treasure
All that I had, and all that I needed

But you let her in
She ripped you away
and left me broken and bleeding

I called out to you,
but you didn't hear me
Her whispered lies are all you can hear
Now, I have no more words

I reached for you,
but you couldn't feel me
She's wrapped you in chains
And I've vanished like a ghost

I tried to be content
with the crumbs she left behind
but they were bitter and dry
And now, they are dust

All that I once treasured is gone
She says, what you want to hear
until your thoughts are twisted and distorted
Her touch, is like a legion of leeches
that numb your body to my love
Her kisses, are poison
that flows through your veins
Her desire, is to make you a corpse
that longs only for her

I've watched you as you sleep,
you dream only of her
When you wake,
you long to be in her arms
I lost you long ago
Love has been replaced with pain
Why do I stay?

Friday, July 18, 2008


Whew! I keep forgetting how much energy three year olds have ! Especially my grandson, Caleb. I had both Ana and Caleb today, while Jasmin was at work. I was supposed to go to the doctor's this morning and do my yearly diabetes check, but when Jasmin called and was in need of a sitter, I decided that I really wasn't in a rush to see the doctor after all. Play with the kids, or get poked and jabbed? Hmm . . . that's a fairly easy choice for me.(It's okay, I rescheduled for Monday - I'm not as irresponsible as I sound.) Caleb gets so excited about coming to visit at Nanna's house. As far as Ana is concerned, I'm old news; she would much rather hang out with Heather. I guess from Caleb's perspective, Nanna's house is new and exciting, with lots to explore. Jasmin has a cat who, I think, is somewhat indifferent to the kids; but Nanna has not one dog, but five! And the dogs LOVE little people. Not only are little people fun to play with, but they are just the right height to steal snacks from. It's true, my dogs have no scruples when it comes to food, especially the pups. Good thing Nanna has lots of snacks.Anyway, we had a good time even though it was raining, off and on, all afternoon. So we didn't get to play in the wadding pool, or go to the playground, like I had hoped. Actually, Caleb did something he's never done for me before. When Heather and Ana put "The Spiderwick Chronicles" in the DVD player, he sat down and watched it with them. I've never been able to interest him in anything on T.V., not even cartoons. But it worked out well, I was able to get some housework done while he was under the goblin's spell.

Ever since Jasmin picked up the kids, I've done nothing but run all over town. Since I blew off cooking dinner, I had to run and get some sub sandwiches to feed my family. After dinner, I had to run Jake and Khris out to North Kansas City, MO, so they could spend the night with Christian, and go to World's of Fun with him tomorrow. (World's of Fun being the local amusement park- a lot like Six Flags?) Then, I had to walk the dogs a couple of miles, because the rain had finally stopped. Then, to the grocery store with Heather. It's 11:30 PM, and I'm just now getting a chance to sit, and have some time to myself.

All the while I've been running around like a maniac, my husband decided to crawl into bed and sleep, as soon as he was fed ! He volunteered to be "on call" for the last two weeks at work, so that we could get caught up on bills. I think it sort of kicked his butt. Tomorrow evening, he has plans to load up and go to the lake to fish - an overnight outing. Hopefully, that will give him a chance to relax and recharge himself. He's one of those people that has a strong spiritual connection with the water. For me, it's the forest. Just going for a walk in the woods, amid the trees, and green leafy things, calms my mind and spirit. We had planned to go to the New Dinner Theater for lunch and a play together on Sunday, with my mom, my brother and his wife; but I think that I'll take Heather instead. I'll just let Roy relax this weekend. Roy likes the food they serve, but getting dressed up, sitting through a play, and making small talk with my family . . . he could probably do without that part. That's cool. Heather is probably feeling a little left out this weekend, with Jake going to Worlds of Fun with his friends, she could use a little something new and special, besides, I think she'll enjoy it.

Well, I need to get myself off to bed. I've got a million things to get done tomorrow, and I'm exhausted. Good night all.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

No horizontal stripes for me !

Well, it appears that I am still a free woman. I went to court this evening and spoke to the prosecuting attorney. I was completely honest with him. He said that if I come back on Oct. 9th, and show that I have kept my insurance paid up for four months, he will amend my ticket. Of course, I'll still have to pay the $ 300.00 fine, but it won't go on my record, and I'll be done with the whole thing. Since Edwardsville is a small town, they are very willing to negotiate. It works out good for me, but of course, I know that there is something in it for them too. (like the city gets to keep the $300.00, instead of the State of Kansas ? Hence, the amended charges.) It seems like every contact that I have with the court system leaves me feeling more certain that our courts are NOT about justice, but money. I have to say, for a tiny little town, I was amazed at how many people were scheduled to be arraigned; and almost all of them, had the very same charges as me. I openly admit that I was guilty, but I still have to wonder who is in charge of thinking up these little scams that can result in so MANY people being hauled into court. Seriously, I counted 100 chairs in the court room, and there was at least 40 more people, lined up outside the court room ! Even more interesting, they didn't even want to discuss the reason that they originally pulled me over for. They are going to dismiss those charges! Law and justice ? Ha! It's all just a money making business - at my expense.

Okay, enough ranting. Last night, I finally sat down with my hubby and asked him, seriously, if I could go back to school when the kids did. Without a moment of hesitation, he said,
"Sure, if that's what you want to do. It's the very least that you deserve. You've earned it a hundred times over."
What a guy, Huh? At first, I felt very pleased and very spoiled. Now that I have to make decisions, and get enrolled, and actually DO it, I'm feeling a tad bit nervous. I still want to go back to school, but I'm feeling so . . . old and inadequate. Oh my gosh, you don't suppose that this is all part of his evil scheme, do you ? A little reverse psychology to manipulate me into changing my mind about the whole thing - Thus, rendering me trapped and helpless as his little house wifey, and sexual play thing? Oh God, more decisions !! Damn ! I have to stop all this thinking - it's making my head hurt.

Well, I have to get myself off to bed. Jasmin is bringing my my grand kids over at 9 am tomorrow, and I need to get up early and walk the dogs before they get here. Good night.


Journey to the Bottom of my Handbag.

Okay, I know, two posts in one day !? Yup, I'm working hard to distract myself from impending doom. (see last post ) I am in SO MUCH trouble ! I wonder if my men will stand by me, the way I have stood by them, through their court issues? Hmmm . . .it will be interesting to see.

As I promised Kate, this is my hand bag meme. It was sort of an adventure. You wouldn't believe the stuff I found in there, way at the bottom. Sorry, most of that stuff is top secret - and a little bit gross - can't reveal it. Alright, Here we go.

This is my current handbag. It's an old one, but I love it for the summer months. As you will note - KATE - my keys are clipped to the side of my purse so that they don't get lost ! Also, right now, my bag is sporting a lovely button that reads: "There is no such thing as an Edward overdose." Referring to the immortal Edward Cullen from the Twilight book series. Heather and I have plans to attend the Midnight release party of the fourth, and final, book in the series at our local Borders bookstore. Heather is very excited. She has been wearing her button proudly pinned to her shirt for the past week. I'll have to let you know how that goes.

This is my Oh, so chic, cosmetics bag. As you might note, it's sadly lacking in chic cosmetics. With the exception of one tube of lip gloss and two pots of clear lip moisturizer, the rest is junk like barrettes, band-aids, Tylenol, ( a sure tip off that I'm a mom) and an engraved mirror compact. (A Christmas gift from one of my former preschool students.) It says: "Ms. Susan - Number One Teacher." That kid was a total suck up.

Another one of my must - haves in my purse, is my eyeglass case. I carry both my bi-focals, and my sunglasses, at all times. Being near sighted, I am lost without them both.

The next item was a discovery from the depths of my bottomless bag. I had no idea that I had been carrying around a roll of un-developed film. Furthermore, I have no idea what is on it, nor how old it is. One of these days, I'll get it developed and wonder what the hell I was thinking !

This is an item that goes EVERYWHERE with me. It's currently sitting on the desk beside me; but when I leave the house, I un-clip my keys, and replace them with this. It's my handy - dandy, combination cigarette case/cell phone holder ! (How exciting is this ?!)

This last item is one that I just put in my bag last night, in anticipation of my upcoming visit to the Edwardsville Traffic Court. This envelope contains my current car registration and my proof of car insurance - all legal and in order, I might add. Although, I doubt they will be of much help when I go before the "hanging judge." I am SO screwed.
Okay, I think that's it. Thanks, Kate, this was a little scary, but lots of fun!
Love ya,

Traffic Court Anxiety

Oh my, I'm feeling a tad bit rough today. I don't know if it's anxiety, allergies, or if I'm just turning into an old woman. I'm feeling exhausted, and jittery, at the same time (how does that happen?) and I've been feeling nauseous, on and off, for the past three days. Ugh! I don't know, it may have something to do with the fact that I have to go to traffic court this evening.

It's been years and years since I've got a ticket - and I'm not too happy about this one.
Back at the end of May, I was out in Edwardsville helping Jasmin move. About 10 PM, I was on my way home, and noticed that before I even got out of city limits, I had passed two police officers writing tickets on the main drag. Little did I know, and I didn't find out about this until recently, Edwardsville has just just gone through a major small town scandal. Some official was caught "fixing" traffic tickets, and they are now on a crusade to prove what an honest city they are, by setting all kinds of traps to catch people making all sorts of infractions, and then, being absurdly hard on them.
Jasmin told me that one of her friends was given a citation because her dog got loose and tore into a neighbor's trash - she was given a big fine, and ONE YEAR PROBATION !!
Even Jasmin has had some experience with their looney toons police department. Several policemen showed up at her house, and grilled her over having some old limbs in the back of her pick up truck that was parked in front of her house. (she had just tore down a rotted deck and done some yard work at her house) They were "investigating" a case of illegal dumping of old limbs and scrap wood down by the river. The cops were just ridiculously hard assed about the whole thing. Actually going so far as to threaten arresting her in front of her kids!
So anyway, seconds after I passed the second police officer, I looked in my rear veiw mirror to see a set of flashing blue lights following ME! I immediately pulled over, and was informed that I failed to change lanes when I passed him a block or so back. (while he was, obviously, writing a FAKE ticket ! The whole thing was a set up ! A sneaky little trap !)
But wait, it gets worse. He asked to see my insurance and registration. Bad news for me. My insurance was expired, and I had yet to transfer the tags from the old mini van, to the new mini van. (that I bought . . . Uh, 6 months ago -oops.) He gave me a long lecture about having 30 DAYS to transfer tags. All I could do was look remorseful and apologize. I almost told him: 'Sorry, I just didn't really think I would get caught!' Which would have been closer to the truth. I was really feeling kind of put out about being pulled over in the first place. The cop had plenty of room. They were on the shoulder of the road, which is a FULL lane and a half wide! He had his lights on, but he was just casually chatting with the driver of the car - probably one of his police buddies. I didn't change lanes, because they had tons of space. But of course, I didn't say all that to him. Nor did I mention the three OTHER cars, that didn't change lanes while he was writing ME tickets.
So, he finally wrote me a ticket for Failure to Yield to an Emergency Vehicle - which SOUNDS like I was involved in some kind of high speed pursuit with him! And another ticket for Failure to Provide Insurance, and another, for Improper Tags. Then, he told me I was lucky that he didn't have my car impounded. Of course, in a normal traffic court, all of those tickets would cost me a fortune. I have no idea what they will do to me in Edwardsville! I'm hoping that they don't put me on death row, or just shoot me on the spot.

Okay, I think I'm done bitching and whinging now. I need to get moving and get something done around here. Maybe, I can distract myself from worrying. Wish me luck tonight . . .


Wednesday, July 16, 2008


I am so glad this day is over. It's been a long one. If I have many more days like this, I am going to end up with a new kind of phobia - telephobia. It seems like every time I answer the phone, there is a crazy person on the other end. The problem is, I'm related to most of them, therefore, there may be no escape - they all know where I live.

Actually, it started yesterday. Jake called me - for some reason - at this point, I can't remember why; as we were talking, I mentioned that I had ordered a pizza, and that he and Christian should be home in about 15 minutes for dinner. That's when he informed me that He and Christian were calling from Bonner Springs - about 25 miles away ! Normally, Jake is pretty good about letting me know where he is going, but when he and Christian get together, those things go by the wayside. Apparently, they had called my oldest daughter, Jasmin (Christian's mom) and asked her to pick them up so they could spend the night at her house. Spending the night at Jasmin's isn't a problem, except I expect them to at least ASK before they hop in a car and travel three cities away ! The last time they had checked in ( an hour and a half earlier) they were at the skate park.

Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of my frustration. Later that evening, my oldest son, Nick, called. He just moved out a month ago, and he really has no idea how to cook, so I get a lot of calls from him around dinner time. He wanted to know how long to microwave a certain pre-packed microwave dinner. When I pointed out that it might be a good idea to READ the instructions on the box, I started to realise just how drunk he was. I've been dealing with alcoholics and drug addicts for the past 19 years - I'm pretty quick about picking up on those kinds of things, you know? Needless to say, knowing that Nick was drinking again, didn't do much to improve my mood. But all that changed when he mentioned that he was having a hard time breathing. Nick has had asthma since he was 6 months old, so I told him to go find his inhaler. That's when he casually tells me that he wasn't having asthma problems, but that a couple of hours ago, he fell off his second floor balcony and landed chest first onto a fence!

Suddenly frustration and impatience, is replaced by maternal terror and panic. I couldn't even imagine what kind of injuries would result from a fall like that! Well, actually, I could, and none of them were good. I told him that he needed to see a doctor, and he just scoffed, and basically hung up on me. I tried to call him back, but he wouldn't answer. Finally, I sent a text and he returned my call. When I tried to get details about his injuries and how he had managed to fall, he denied the whole incident and acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, and hung up on me again. I was getting ready to just drive over there and see for myself, but Roy finally convinced me that Nick was just being stupid,and that he was probably fine. I wasn't so sure, but the idea of dealing with Nick when he was drinking, much less trying to wrangle him into an emergency room, didn't seem very likely. As a result, I spent most of last night worrying, and hoping that Roy was right.

The phone rang again around midnight. Nick was calling to let me know that he was fine, and that he was going to bed so he could go to work in the morning. I felt a little better and went to bed myself.

Sometime around 6:30 AM, Nick must have sobered up enough to feel pain. He called me and asked me to have his dad pick him up from work, and take him to the emergency room. They shot him full of morphine, and took 15 different X-rays. He has one of the biggest, ugliest bruises that I have ever seen on the inside of his thigh, scrapes, cuts, and bruises all over his chest, in fact, he almost tore off his right nipple, and a few scrapes on the side of his face. Other than that, they concluded that nothing is broken. And oh yeah, he feels like he's been hit by a truck. They gave him a script for pain killers and he called me to pick him up.

Instead of going home, he actually wanted to hang out at our house. Since he was moving like a 90 year old man, I thought that was a good idea. It only took me an hour to regret that decision. The prescription CLEARLY stated that he should take one half, to one pain pill, every four hours. Nick has never been good at following directions. Instead, he decided that he really needed two pills, every three hours. So, I have spent my day dealing with a lunatic who has alternated between bouncing around my house, eating everything insight, and talking my ear off; and a semi comatose lump moaning on my couch.

Just to make things interesting, Jake came home, and Heather has had several of her friends over all day. I'm exhausted! Nick had his girlfriend pick him up and take him home around 10:30 PM. (Nick has a girl friend now, but that's another (very interesting) story, for another night.) I'm going to bed and pray that the phone doesn't ring anymore. Good night.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

There's no place like Home

Hey !

I'm back! I spent most of last night catching up on everyones' blog. I have really missed you guys!

Okay, here's the scoop on what's been happening in my life. Roy was only off work for a couple of weeks. He got a great job working for a company that has lots of commercial accounts and plenty of work to keep him as busy as I want. (ha-ha) I think he really likes it too. Once he got back to work, he took advantage of his boss's offer for overtime, and we just decided to get a bunch of bills caught up before we reconnected "luxury" items like Internet and cable. That was hard. I had to keep reminding myself that they ARE luxuries, and NOT necessities. Anyway, I can't believe how much less stressed life is without a lot of unpaid bills hanging over our heads. I think that people get so used to owing somebody money, that they just don't realise what a toll it takes on them. It just feels like a huge burden has been lifted - I like it. Now, I guess the trick is to STAY caught up and debt free. I'm not too sure how that's going to work out . . .

Let's see, what else is new? About a month ago, one of Nick's friends from work was in need of a room mate, and he asked Nick to move in. So far, that arrangement has been working out pretty well. My house is a little less chaotic, and Nick is feeling a lot better about himself, and life in general, now that he has some independence. Of course, that doesn't keep a mom from worrying, but I guess it's all part of life - so it's good.

Summer has finally arrived here in the heartland; although, so far it's been unusually mild this year. Jake and Heather are taking full advantage of it, staying busy with friends , and just generally having fun. (what bliss!) I really thought it would be a nightmare having them home all day, without Internet and T.V., but I guess when the chips are down, kids can always fall back on instincts. Surprisingly, it only took them a couple of days to come to terms with the fact that the T.V. and computer screens were going to remain dark - no matter how many buttons they punched. (Seriously, they were like a bunch of lab monkeys, punching buttons in frustration, in hopes of getting a treat !) But then, as if by magic, they woke up on day three, put on their clothes, and went outside! I honestly can't remember the last time I heard the words: "I'm bored" out of either of them !! Over the last couple of months, their skin has taken on a warm, almost life like, glow! They actually engage in conversations with real people, in face to face exchanges! And strangest of all, they have actually developed (gasp!) interests in outdoor activities !!! Heather, has discovered that she loves to go fishing with her dad; and Jake, well he is still skate boarding, but at least he hasn't broken any new bones.

I think that we have finally decided that Heather will go back to public school this fall. So, I'm starting to gear up for that, and figure out what exactly I should do with myself. I'm sort of leaning towards going back to school too. Nothing major, just a few art classes. I'm hoping that being around other people with similar interests will inspire me, and maybe, give me a little direction and clarity regarding opportunities, and where I want to eventually go with my interests. Wow, that sounds like a mouthful of total bull shit, but I really think that there is a certain logic to it - somewhere. Maybe, I just want a reason and motivation to actually focus on something that is just for me ? I think that's the part that I'm struggling with the most. It feels so selfish. (not to mention cliche.) Anyway, I have to think about it some more, and see how things continue to work out, financially. I have no doubt that I will figure out a way to keep myself busy regardless. I'm just not the kind of person who can remain idle. The problem is, I don't want to fill up my days with "busy work" - it's pointless. I want to do something that has some kind of value - to someone.

Well, It's getting late and I need to get myself to bed. I want to get up and do my outdoors chores before it gets to warm tomorrow. Good night.