Sunday, August 31, 2008

New sleeping arrangements

Last night, Roy and I finally got our new bed set up. Heather has inherited our old monster; which she loves because, it's a raised, four poster, queen sized bed, with a massive wood head board and foot board. I'm sure that she imagines herself more a little princess now, than she did before. Of course, she has no interest in using our grown up comforters and pillow shams. She's decked it out with her purple, pink, and blue satin sheets and her fuzzy chenille and satin pillow cases in matching colors.

Heather really isn't much of a frilly kind of girl, but she has a weakness for satin and luxurious fabrics. When she was a baby, and she would wake up for her night feedings, she would snuggle up to my favorite satin night shirt while I was feeding her. She was one of those kids who would contentedly nurse herself to sleep, but the minute I tried to lay her back in her crib, her eyes would pop open and she'd scream bloody murder. Finally, after a particularly long night of this routine, I ripped off my night shirt, wrapped her up in it and said, "here, keep it!" and stomed back to my bed, topless. Amazingly enough, she slept soundly after that. As she got older, she started dragging the raggedy old thing around with her every where! (even to church!) She called it her "woobie" I think that's either baby talk for Rubbie, or boobie. I was never really clear on that. Anyway, She was the only kid I ever met who got her replacement blankets from Victoria's Secret.

When she started kindergarten, she had to give them up - at least during the day. However, I was not ready to give up sleeping at night, so it just made sense to buy her satin sheets for her first 'big girl bed.' She is now almost 12 years old, and she won't sleep on anything other than satin sheets. Yes, I have created a monster.

So . . . Roy and I were up late last night moving beds and setting up our own. The bed that my husband managed to procure for us is a water bed. That brings back memories. When I first met Roy, I had one of those huge, old style, free flow water beds in a wooden box. They were a pain in the ass to move and set up, and it felt a lot like sleeping on a life raft during and ocean squall. If you came down with the flu, or any kind of ailment that left you feeling queasy, you might as well camp out on the couch because, the water bed was as faithful as syrup of ipecac for inducing nausea. I ended up with it because, it was a hand-me-down from my oldest brother, who bought it because he couldn't fit a regular mattress up the stairway, and into the bedroom of his first tiny house. We had that horrible thing for almost 6 years, and had to tear it down, move it, set it back up, and fill it, a least 20 times before we finally bought a 'real' bed.

However, with the way my husband flops around like a fish out of water while he sleeps, even a real bed's days are numbered. When a friend from work offered to give him a "wave-less" water bed that he had in storage, Roy decided that anything was better than tossing and turning all night. This bed is one of the newer ones that look like a regular bed. In fact, the base ( that turned out to be stored somewhere else) is just like a regular box spring. (except, without the springs) The mattress is a hollowed out foam frame that holds ten, giant, water filled tubes, covered by a with a thick foam mattress topper that zips on over it all. It looks great, and it sleeps very nicely, (although, it isn't entirely wave-less, it isn't nauseating) but it's still a pain in the ass to set up and tear down. Thankfully, I'm done moving.

Anyway, when we went to set it up last night, one of the box springs was missing a frame. You know, the metal part the raises it up off the floor? After waiting a week to get it, and making two trips to gather all the parts that were stored in various places, we had to make a last minute, late night trip to the local thrift store to get a second bed frame.

We rushed in five minutes before they closed the store and bought their last one. As Roy was locating the frame, I noticed that they had a head board and foot board set that would go with my bedroom furniture perfectly. The only thing that I don't like about the bed, is that it's sort of basic looking without a head board or foot board.) Before I dashed to the register to pay for the frame, I noticed that the price tag on it was $50.00) As I stood there waiting for my change, I happened to look down at the counter and noticed a flier for Monday's Labor day sales event : 75% off all furniture and household items. Hmmmm, that knocks my head board and foot board down to . . . $12.50 !!! Cha-ching! All I have to do is wait until Monday, and pray that no one buys it before then. I'm SO excited! Would it be weird to camp outside a second hand store in anticipation of a 75% off holiday sale ? Oh God, I've got to get a REAL life. The last time I considered doing something like that, it was for concert tickets, not a second hand bed frame.

*Mel: This, is what you call old and tragic.

Okay, I'm going to go snuggle up in my new, soon to be perfect, bed. Good night.


Friday, August 29, 2008

Black Friday

I had to call a sick day today. Well, actually, it was yesterday. (Thursday) I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a semi truck. Spending the day in bed is no easy thing for me, but I genuinely felt like poo, and things around here have turned into a 3 ring circus over the past week. I am sick of dealing with Nick and his girlfriend. They're both getting on my nerves. Nick and his anxiety, Jennifer and her immaturity. I could go into a whole big rant and rave about it, but I just don't have the energy.

I slept until 4pm this afternoon, when Jake and Heather were due home from school. Since then, I've determined that getting out of bed was a huge mistake. The events of this evening have made this past week seem like a walk in the park. I would really like to go back to bed and shut off my brain for a while; Unfortunately, after sleeping all day, I can't seem to sleep anymore. It's now 4AM, and even though I feel even worse, my body refuses nod off to dream land. I've tried everything.

I have a feeling things are going to be ugly today. I'm cranky, I feel like shit, and really I'm pissed off at all the other (alleged) adults in this house. The whole lot of them are due a major ass kicking - They have all pissed me off this evening in a big, big way. It's quite likely that there will be blood.

I'm going to try, one more time, to catch a few hours sleep before I have to get up and send the kids off to school.

Wish me luck,

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Hey there,

It's 1AM and I'm sitting here eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh my gosh, it's been so long since I've eaten one, I had forgotten how yummy they really are!! For the last couple of days, I've kind of been on an eating binge - eating everything in sight. Normally, I have just one day a month like that - the day before I start my period. To be honest, for a fat girl, I eat surprisingly little food.

That seems to be my biggest problem in losing weight. That, and the fact that when I do actually get around to feeding myself, it's always the wrong stuff. I'm pretty sure that my body is in starvation mode 90% of the time. (holding on to every calorie like a drowning man clutching a life preserver) The ONLY time that I have ever lost any significant amount of weight was during my last two pregnancies (when I had gestational diabetes) and right after I had my stroke. (when I was diagnosed with type II diabetes) During those times, I forced myself to eat 6 small, healthy meals a day. It was the biggest pain in the ass to have to think about food all the time - I hated it. They say that it only takes 30 days to develop a new habit. That's crap. I made myself eat that way for months at a time, and it NEVER became habit or second nature to me.

It would be nice if I had time to plan out my trips to the grocery store, or if I had the money to keep my kitchen stocked with healthy food all the time, or if I was disciplined enough to think about nothing but taking care of myself, But my life just isn't that way. I don't live in a perfect world - not even close.

I have managed to make walking 2-4 miles a day part of my regular routine, but that's only because getting out of the house with the dogs has become my daily mental health break. If I didn't do it, I'd completely lose my marbles.

Sheesh, you would think that a nice PBJ would put me in a cheerier mood? Good thing I didn't decide to eat one of my Daddy Mac PBJ sandwiches, somebody could end up hurt. Do you all know what a Daddy Mac PBJ is? It goes like this:

Peanut butter
Peanut butter

My kids love it. But you should never give it to a child under the age of 9, because their mouths are not big enough and it won't fit. Or you know what else my kids like? They like it when I make a big fat PB&J then, I grill it. The peanut butter gets all warm and gooey and the Jelly gets all sticky and sweet. Personally, I prefer the standard, tried and true PB&J, straight up.

Every once in a while, some kid shows up at my house whose mother left them home alone without teaching them how to cook, and they start getting creative with peanut butter and Jelly because, they aren't allowed to used the stove. Poor kids, the only thing they know how to make is PB&Js; before long, they start cramming weird stuff inside their sandwiches. I've had kids at my house who put apples, bananas, honey comb cereal, pickles, Miracle Whip, or potato chips in their PBJ sandwich, and they think it's good !

MOMS - If your kid isn't old enough to operate the stove, don't leave them home alone!!! They will either starve, or they will become some kind of weird, hillbilly, redneck, geek who eats disgusting crap. That's just wrong, it's not responsible parenting. In fact, I think it's borderline abuse. How is anyone who eats that kind of crap going to grow up to become a normal, healthy, well adjusted human being?

If you go on a first date with someone who orders some kind of weird, disgusting food combination, would you go out with them a second time? I'm not talking about "kind of weird", like people who dip their pizza in ranch dressing, or dunking a McDonald's french fry in their vanilla shake. I'm talking about, if someone orders a bowl of Macaroni and Cheese, and they ask you to pass the ketchup, you need to get up and leave, because things are only going to get weirder . Who wants to be in a relationship like that? Things like that are some kind of glitch in their genetics, because they always have children just like them. People like that should not reproduce.

Okay, enough ranting, my sugar high is wearing off and I'm feeling sleepy. I need to get myself to bed.

Good night.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Another late night at the E.R.

Oh my, I'm so tired. I'd really love to go to bed, but Nick has taken Jennifer to the hospital - again. He just called a moment ago and they are taking her to have a CAT scan done. They think that she might have a kidney stone. I've had a few of those - they're no fun. They have already given her pain killers, so I told Nick to call me when they were done, and I would come to pick them up. Jennifer won't be able to drive and Nick has no license.

I kind of suspected that Kidney stones might be the source of her problems. Her symptoms are very much like mine when I had a kidney stone get stuck. I'm kind of worried about how they are going to handle this without insurance. I know what the procedure is, and it's not cheap.

Back in March of 1998, I woke up one morning shivering like crazy. My first thought was that the heater on our water bed had finally bit the dust. Then, I got up to go pee, and I noticed that there was almost 4 inches of snow on the ground! (On March 19th! I remember because it was my hubby's birthday) It was one of those freak spring storms that drop a bunch of white stuff and it melts away by noon. On my way back to bed, I checked the kids to make sure that they were covered up before I jumped back into bed. I laid there with extra blankets up to my chin, but I still couldn't warm up or stop shivering. I turned my head to my right and saw Roy snuggled up, snoring soundly away. I KNEW that I shouldn't do it, I knew that it was WRONG, but I couldn't help myself - I was FREEZING! Very carefully, I crept over to Roy's side of the bed. (trying not to make too many waves in the water bed) I snuggled up next to him and closed my eyes tight, waiting for his reaction. I truly expected him to shoot straight up out of bed and dig his nails into the ceiling like they do in cartoons. At the very least, I was ready for him to scream at me to move my ice cold butt back to my side of the bed. Instead, after a few minutes, he rolled over and said,
"My God, Honey, you're burning up!!"
I looked at him like he was crazy and I said, "I am not! I'm freezing. Can't you feel me shivering?"

He got up, got the thermometer, and called the doctor. Half an hour later, we were at the emergency room. They sent me to x-ray and when the films came back, I was looking at two long tubes that led from my kidneys to my bladder. The one on the left was about the size and width of a drinking straw. The tube on the right, was as wide as my thumb, with a big white blob at the end, just as it entered my bladder. They explained that I had a rather large kidney stone that, somehow, managed to travel through my tubes without rupturing them, but now, it was simply too big to enter my bladder and pass. My right kidney had ceased to function as a result of the blockage. They gave me an I.V. antibiotic and some pain killers, set up an appointment with a urologist for the next day, and sent me home. For the first 24 hours, the only thing that would relieve my shivering, was the pain killers. Within two days, I was laying on a table, full of Valium so that I would lay still, while they shot a laser directly at my kidney stone in an effort to break it up into smaller pieces that I would be able to pass on my own. Except, I didn't. All I did was pee little grains of what felt like sand. After a week, and a second lithotripsy procedure, they finally removed the kidney stone surgically. I can't even begin to count how much money it all cost. If I hadn't had insurance, I have no idea what I would have done. I know that they probably would have wanted thousands of dollars before preforming any procedures.

So, I'm a little worried about all of this. By now, you've probably figured out that I allowed Jennifer to move in after all. Mostly because, the two of them had sat down and come up with a reasonable, logical plan for themselves. They want to get a place together. They know that Nick will probably have to serve some time, or at least go through a treatment program. They have both agreed to work towards a goal and most importantly, Nick understands that he MUST stay clean and sober. Nick seems to realise that he is just half a step away from the point of no return. This last incident has him scared. So far, he's been holding his end of the agreement, and they are doing what they said they would do. But of course, life is never as easy as you think it will be. If they can get through these difficulties and illnesses without Nick falling back to his old coping skills of drinking and drugs, then I think that will be a major accomplishment.

Okay, Nick just called and said that she only has a kidney infection. They are going to write her some scripts for some meds, and they will be home soon. He double checked with the Doctor and the pain meds that they gave her were non-narcotic, so she'll be fine to drive them home. (Or maybe they remembered Nick from his last visit to their E.R.? - when he was kicked out for being wasted.)

Anyway, I'm it's now 3AM and I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed.



Sunday, August 24, 2008

Odd Sunday

This has been sort of an odd Sunday. Normally, on Sunday, I do my best to try and relax, maybe play around in the art room, spend some extra time outside walking the dogs, or working in the yard. Anything to avoid looking at what my family is doing to my house; because, everyone is home and I just refuse to spend my day walking around, picking up after them. There's always Monday, and Monday is a much better day to get things accomplished. (When they're all at work and school.)

But today, even walking the dogs has been a chore. Nick has always been a one dog kind of person. He has a hard time sharing his affection with more than one animal. As a mom, with four kids, my mind rebels against that kind of thinking; but at the same time, building a selfless, care-taking sort of relationship is very therapeutic for Nick because of his ADHD, so I've sort of allowed it. With our current pack of dogs, Nick has chosen Peter as "his dog". So when Nick feels restless, he grabs Pete, and takes him for his version of a walk. In other words, he spoils him rotten, and does his best to reverse all the discipline and training that I have worked so to instill in him. As a drug addict, Nick has no concept of the importance of discipline or control.

So ever since Nick has moved back in, he has been showering Pete with all kinds of extra treats, extra walks, and extra attention. It's been driving the other dogs crazy, and sending Pete a lot of conflicting messages - which makes life around here very difficult. Because of the weather, and my attitude on Friday, the dogs haven't been out since Thursday. But Nick has taken Pete on long car rides and to the lake, leaving the other dogs at home. So today, when I woke to see the sun shining and cool weather, I set about walking the dogs - one at a time. Normally, Pete and Midnight go first, but I decided that since the other four had been neglected lately, Pete would go LAST. Needless to say, that didn't go over well with Pete. ( Pete literally howled when I took the other dogs without him) Nick would never have allowed that to happen.

Except, today, he was busy dealing with Jennifer. Jennifer woke up this morning with a fever and a bladder infection. So while he was at the doctor with her, things went MY way - not his. Still, it wasn't easy. After I had walked the first dour dogs, (one mile each) Nick came home with Jennifer, and I had to call a time out so I could go get Jennifer's prescriptions filled. So Pete had to wait another whole hour for his turn. By the time I got home and took Pete for his walk, he was amazingly humble and appreciative.

There's no doubt about it, I am going to have to sit my son down, and have a talk with him about what he is doing to their pack structure. (not to mention, my sanity) He wants to claim Pete as 'his dog', but Nick isn't able to be responsible for himself, much less be responsible for Pete.

Other than Nick's personal brand of chaos, My two younger kids have done their part to make life interesting today. Heather and her girlfriend, Alexis, have recently developed an interest jogging. Before I woke this morning, the girls were up and out at the Junior High school track. They had stopped to rest against the side of the school building, when the door opened and the school janitor wheeled a large, 4 foot by 8 foot, flat bed furniture trolley outside. He asked the girls if they would like to have the cart, since one of the four wheels were broken off, he was going to throw it into the dumpster. I can just imagine how their eyes must have lit up. The average 11 year old can come up with about a 101 cool uses for a 4'x8' rolling piece of plywood. So, of course, the two of them wheeled it home. Over the course of the day, they dragged it all over the neighborhood and all around the park trail like a new found puppy. Around 3PM, after they got frustrated with trying to keep the stupid thing balanced, they talked dad into welding the missing wheel back on.

They gathered up as many kids as they could find, and rolled it back to the school, in search of the biggest hill they could find. They all loaded themselves on to the cart and pushed off. They sped down the hill laughing and screaming at the top of their lungs! When they hit level ground, they all rolled off, chattering and laughing. When they tried to push the monster back up the hill to go again, they discovered that not only had the recently welded front wheel come off, but the other front wheel had broken off as well. How sad, no more opportunities for near death experiences and possible serious injury! They came home, and borrowed dad's moving dolly to tow it back to our drive way, where dad pronounced it DOA. They were all pretty sad until Roy told them that the aluminum in the frame was probably worth about $40.00 in scrap.

Once again, their tear filled little eyes lit up. For the next few hours, my drive way was filled with about 15 kids with hammers, taking out their frustrations on this poor, abused furniture trolley. Once they wore themselves out, Roy stepped in with the welding torch, cut it into pieces, and loaded into his work van. He promised to bring home the receipt from the scrap yard, so that Heather and Alexis can divvy up the money. He says that aluminum has been paying about 25 cents per pound.

Well, I need to get myself to bed. I have to prepare for tomorrow night's bed migration. Roy and I will be tearing down, assembling, and moving, three different beds before we can lay our heads down to sleep. What fun!

Good night all.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Blah,Blah, Blah. What a Pain in the Butt.

Look at me, I'm so bad. I'm supposed to be concocting some kind of culinary creation for dinner, but I'm not - I'm on the computer. Tee-hee. Screw them. If they want to eat, the least they can do is come home. Everyone keeps calling me and asking, "What's for dinner?" Well . . .I don't see anyone here except the dogs, so I haven't really thought about it. Jake and Heather are at the mall, Nick and Jennifer went to go see one of Jennifer's friends in Liberty,MO, and Roy got called out on a service call. So why the hell should I be bothered about dinner? When, and if, they come home, then, I'll figure out what to do. That seems fair, right? O'course, by then, I'll probably just run and get take out. Ha-ha.

I don't know why they want to annoy me with such stupid shit anyway. I've been busy. Roy, my hubby, has done nothing but complain about our lumpy old bed since . . . um, well, for about the last 6 years, I guess. So I told him, If you don't like the damn bed, why do you spend so much time there? Seems like a completely logical query to me, right? But he doesn't have an answer for anything that sensical. (that's a new word, like it?) Any way, he just keeps whining, so, I said, "For pity sake, just get a new bed ! I'm tired of your bitching." Of course, I know that he'll complain about the new one too - that's just the way he is. Anyway, he found one this weekend. He's supposed to bring it home Monday night and set it up. The only thing is, this one is a King size bed, which is bigger than our Queen size that we have now. So I've been out this weekend shopping for new bed linens. I didn't really find anything that I was excited about, but since I don't have a lot of time to play around, I got a cheap set to hold us over until I find something that I like. I guess we'll give our old bed to Heather, and store her day bed until Nick moves out. (then, it will go back into the family room) I'll probably have to find different linens for Heather too, then eventually, new linens for the day bed. *Sigh* What a pain in the butt!

Well, I just found out that my oldest daughter is on her way over to drop off my grandson, Christian. So Jake will be hanging out with him this evening. Nick and Jennifer should be here soon, with their friend. And Roy just called to say that he's on his way home too. No doubt that Heather will want Alexis to spend the night again. So now, I'll have to feed ten or more people ! Do they really expect me to just "whip something up" for 10+ people on 15 minutes notice? Sheesh. Last night, I went to get KFC, and as I carried it into the house, half the neighborhood just followed me inside. Good thing I got the BIG bucket - by the time it was all said and done, I fed 9 people last night. I'm a total sucker for stray kids and stray dogs. If things keep up like this, I'm going to have to get Bono to organize a concert event to raise money for my "Feed the Neighborhood" cause.

Okay, enough jacking around, I have to get off my butt and do . . . something.


Friday, August 22, 2008

Old Lady Issues

Uggh ! I hate this. This, is the reason people fear old age. Every once in a while, God gives us a glimpse of what it's like, and today, I'm getting one of those "invitation only sneak peaks." Gee, thanks, God. It truly sucks when your body's abilities contradict what your mind believes, and your heart feels. It's very disorienting and discouraging.

To put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I'm not technically sick, and I think that makes it worse. If I was sick, I'd go back to bed, and not give a rat's ass about the sun shining, or what I could be doing, or what other people need or want. My mind would know that I'm sick, and all other things would be put into perspective. It would still suck, but I could rationalize that. This, is just . . . I don't know, very frustrating. I feel OLD.

Remember, a while back, I mentioned that I hadn't had a period since some time in late May? My doctor told me not to worry about it, that I was just pre-menopausal. And you know? Aside from the "M word", I was okay with that. No period? No weird, freaky mood changes? Great! I can live with this! But then, 8 days ago, I started bleeding. Sort of a bummer, but I managed to escape my usual PMS, and after four days of light spotting, I thought, "Sheesh, I can deal with this." I should have known better than to think anything could be that easy for me. Four days ago, all hell broke loose, and I'm bloodier than a civil war soldier. I woke up this morning with a dull, persistent headache, my whole body is aching all over, and my energy level is ZERO. Physically, I feel like I've been run over by a truck.

The worst part is, It's gorgeous outside !! The last few days have been cool and overcast, even a little rainy. But today, It's warm and sunny. Everything is greener, and more beautiful, than it's been in weeks. Damn it! I had plans for today! I was supposed to get up at 6:30, get the kids off to school, walk the dogs, and get OUTSIDE. I wanted to go to some garage sales and try to find a dresser for Nick and Jennifer. I wanted to do some shopping for the Halloween party. I wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, and drive around town with the windows down, and the radio cranked up. In my mind and my heart, I still want those things, but my body says No. Instead of springing out of bed this morning at 6:30, I woke up at 9, feeling like a huge block of wet concrete. Instead of having a bowl of rice chex and a piece of fruit on the back deck, I ate a dry peanut butter cookie and downed a can of diet coke in the kitchen. Instead of walking my dogs, I am watching them, right now, lined up on the couch with their backs to me, and their wet noses to the front window, pouting, and longing for a chance to play outside. I feel exactly the same way. Every time I get up from my chair, they playfully run to me, and give me the pleading puppy dog eyes routine. And all I can do is snarl at them and tell them to 'go lay down,' like a cranky old woman. I. HATE. THIS.

The other day, Roy was talking on the phone to one of the guys from work, and he referred to me as, "his old lady." I was absolutely livid! I told him that I would rather be referred to as his 'sex kitten,' than as his 'old lady!' Today, I FEEL like an old lady. There is nothing sexy, or kittenish, about me - except in my mind, that is cruelly trapped inside this old, decrepit body.

A few minutes ago, I dragged myself out of the computer chair and went to Subway to get my favorite sandwich. I rolled down the windows and turned up the radio. I was hoping that if I forced myself to get outside, and to eat something nutritious, I would feel better. Didn't work. I'm exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open, and I feel like I could go back to bed and sleep all day - but I don't want to do that!

*SIGH* Maybe I should just give up? I'm going to try and see if my dogs will let me sleep for a "little while." Maybe I'll wake up and feel better, and at least part of my day can be salvaged.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008


It's 10AM and I'm sitting here trying to get woke up. I stayed up late last night, and slept in this morning. I didn't mean to do either one. I got sucked into the internet last night, looking up mausoleum photos for my cemetery. Very cool stuff - and surprisingly inexpensive! If I ever win the lotto, I'm getting one, and having it built in under a giant Maple tree, in a lovely old cemetery.
Anyway, I was up until 2 AM, and Roy must have shut off my alarm this morning. He has a habit of doing that. We have a wonderful old alarm clock that is loud enough (and annoying enough) to wake the dead. ( which means, it's one of the few sounds I won't sleep through) It also has a feature that allows two wake up settings, instead of just one. Unfortunately, my husband has a habit of hitting both off switches when he gets up (at the horrendous hour of 5AM) because, he hates the sound, and doesn't want to risk hearing it twice. Of course, he has the ability to actually get out of bed, instead of going back to sleep, like I would.
Since I find myself alone in the house this morning, I assume that my family didn't need me to get themselves where they all need to be. They really are much better at the morning thing than I am. All my men take after their father, and they wake up bright eyed and ready to conquer the world. Heather, is more like me, we despise the rising sun. But to be honest, the guys are better at getting her up and moving than I am. When I wake her up, we usually end up bickering and fighting because, we are both feel the same way about getting out of bed. Roy and Jake have the patience and good spirits to deal with her. The only thing they really need me for, is make sure they walk out the door with their heads attached, and their flies zipped. If I sleep in, they get so busy chatting and being happy, (UGH!) that they walk out the door without a clue what they need to take, or even checking the calendar. It's my job to sit at the kitchen table, (smoking a cigarette, drinking a diet coke, and grumbling) and remind them to take their homework, get their permission slips signed, take their tools and back packs (that I laid by the door the night before) and remind them what is planned for their day. Even half asleep, I have more organizational skills than the three of them combined.
I don't really feel like a human being until they are all out the door, and I turn off the T.V.s and radios, and and get my shower.

Today, I am feeling totally lost. Not only did I sleep in, but the sky is dark and gloomy, like it's going to pour down rain any second. So, I don't dare take the dogs out for their walks. Nick started back to work yesterday, so I got caught up on all my housework, and I've only got a few, little, things to do today. I was supposed to take Nick to court today at 2PM, but Jennifer is taking off work early to take him. It's just a first appearance to set an actual court date, but the two of them will be back here early. I need to sit down with the two of them and have a little chat. Jennifer showed up last night and spent the night. She also brought a shit load of things, clothes and stuff. I have a funny feeling that she plans on moving back in. That's not going to work. Her new job is in Liberty, MO. - which is a 45 minute, to an hour, drive away from here. She will go broke driving back and forth, and She can NOT quit her job and sit around here in her pajamas all day long at my house. (while Nick works to pay his lawyer, and WE support the two of them) Right now, Nick's future is too undecided for them to be making plans. I guess that's my job for today - to deal with the two of them. This whole thing is starting to piss me off.

I guess I better get off this computer and get myself moving.


Monday, August 18, 2008

Thinking ahead

I think I'm starting to feel a bit better now. Hopefully, tomorrow's sunrise will be what it takes to put my head back in order - or at least, that's what I'm telling myself.

I took Nick to the Doctor's office and he re-wired his mouth. (nice and snug) He took x-rays, and told him quite frankly, that if he doesn't quit mucking around, he'll have to take some bone from his hip to fill in the gap in his jaw. His left side really is quite bad, and he can't afford to be jacking around and behaving like an ass.

When we got home, I got a load of dishes going and since it was such a beautiful and mild day, I decided to walk the dogs in spite of the afternoon sun. Normally, I take Pete and Midnight together because they have such similar, laid back dispositions. Then, I take Angel, Phoenix, and Princess because they are my little firecrackers. Between the three of them, they have a combined attention span of about 20 seconds. I was just wanting to get outside and clear my head, but at the last minute, Nick decided to "help" me by bringing the second group along with me. The five of them, together, is total insanity - so much for clearing my head. I could have told Nick that I just wanted to be alone, but his teeth were hurting, and I know that since he's been home, his anxiety level is on overload. The last thing he needed was to be alone. So we decided to take the dogs to the ball Field and just let them run. On the way home, he mentioned that he hadn't had a drink, or drug, since Thursday - which means, he's counting his days of sobriety - he's on day four.

Nick would like to get a continuance on Wednesday, and spend his time focusing on earning money to pay a lawyer who can get him a reduced sentence. It seems like a logical plan, except it's a plan that has failed time and time again. If Nick goes back to work, and starts bringing in money, his anxiety will drive him to spend the money, not on a lawyer, but on immediate stress relief, and the result will be . . . more stress. (the vicious cycle of addiction) He insists that this time will be different, and as much as I'd like to believe him, I don't. To be honest, I have reached the point where I believe that unless he is in some kind of a contained, structured, environment - he is a threat to himself and to others. It makes me sad to feel that way. I feel like I have abandoned my faith in him. But in reality, it isn't my faith that will save him, is it? He has to find his own faith.

Enough. I don't want to write about Nick anymore. I was thinking last night, while I was trying to sleep, about our upcoming Halloween Celebration. I know that it's early, but I need a distraction. I'm hoping to add a mausoleum to our cemetery, but I'm concerned about how it will hold up to our rainy Fall weather, so I'm going to need my husband's carpentry skills. I need to get some specific plans drawn up soon, or Roy will procrastinate until it's too late. Everyone seems to be okay with a vampire theme, but I'm trying to figure out how to make it work, and what to do with it. Heather and I talked about a Hotel Transylvania Motif, but I am thinking . . .maybe a Vampire Ball would work better? Maybe a Vampire Ball at Hotel Transylvania? I need to get some kind of visual image going, and I'm feeling just a little too distracted, and my family just isn't excited about it - yet. We talked, last year, about adding a wienie roast/block party to attract more kids this year. That would be fun. I'm thinking of making up invitations for the kids to hand out to their friends at school. Or sending out neighborhood fliers? I could get to work designing something for that . . . I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. I'm open to suggestions.

Well, It's getting late, and I've got an early day (again) tomorrow.
Good night all,


Young love is creepy and gross.

Okay, Tomorrow marks the first full week of School. No more of this half day/ first day crap. The kids and I are supposed to getting into the grove of things in earnest now; getting up early, building routines, and making life work for our family. Normally, I'd be excited about all of this, but it just seems like things aren't off to such a good start. At least not in terms of MY plans and routines. Instead of getting the kids off to school, and taking my dogs out for their walks, then, tending to my chores, and maybe, a bit of relaxation - I get to chat with a cranky oral surgeon receptionist, spend time sitting in the waiting room, waiting, while they squeeze Nick into their busy schedule. Then explain how all these wires in my son's mouth, just happened to fall out. He is going to be in some deep shit with the doctor when he tells him, that he did everything he told him NOT to do. No doubt, Nick will try to lie to him.

So basically, my plans are shot to shit and they probably will continue to be, for at least, the rest of the week. Tuesday, I'll have to take him to see a lawyer, and then, to court on Wednesday. Who knows what will happen from there? I'm trying to only think about it one day at a time.

The only positive in all this is that I won't have to deal with Miss Jennifer, and all her annoying babying of Nick. ( I have pretty much zero sympathy for him right now) Nick and Jennifer have had to settle for just spending weekends together because, I have made it clear that Nick IS going some where - either to jail , or to rehab - soon. (Maybe he should move in to Jennifer's parents house?) When she packed her things and moved back home on Thursday, Her dad wisely gave her a new job as a receptionist at his company. So, she is supposed to be at work this week. Still, there is a little voice inside me that says, she will figure out a way to hold his hand through most of it. I don't know if I'm being pessimistic, or realistic. I'm pretty sure that either way, I just come off sounding bitter and bitchy. I don't begrudge either of them for being in love, it's just grossing me out. It's like neither of them can breathe without the other - like they will just keel over and die if they're separated. It's creepy!

Yup, I sound bitchy, but then, I'm pretty tired. I need to get to bed so I can get up early in the morning. Good night.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Weekend Update

Well, the fun just never ends around here. Nick called me Friday morning and apologised for being a jerk the night before. He was finally sober enough to tell me his situation. He has very little memory of the events of his arrest, but he remembers being taken down by the police officer. In the process, he ended up with several scratches on his face, and at some point during his time in the holding cell, he spit out the the majority of the broken wires in his mouth that held his jaw together He was in pain, and having a hard time keeping his jaw still, especially when he slept.

What angered me more than anything, is that the jail had done nothing for him! I don't blame the police. The police have to do their job. If some crazy drug addict with a broken jaw decides to act like an ass, they have to handle it any way they can. But by the time Nick got to the jail, it was obvious that he needed medical attention - and they did nothing! They could have transported him to a hospital, or they do have medical personnel at the jail. At the very least, they could have had a nurse look at him, or given him an ice pack, even a Tylenol ! I have no doubt that he was behaving like a jerk, but I suspect that their reasons for ignoring him were based on money, and not his behavior. (having a jaw wired shut isn't cheap. Nicks hospital bill was 37 thousand dollars! I'm sure that having it re-wired won't be cheap either.)

I talked with Roy and we decided that the best thing to do, might be to bail him out, and get him some medical attention. At least with a bail bond, I can revoke it, and send him back to jail, if he acts up. I made sure that he understood that. So far, he's been behaving himself. He is holding his jaw shut with rubber bands until the doctor can see him on Monday.

Nick seems to be willing to go to rehab, but the judge set his court date for August 20th, which is unusually soon. So, I'm not sure how all this is going to work out. I would like to see his jaw healed, and the wires off, before he serves any time. It would be great if he could spend that healing time in rehab, but I don't know if they will allow that much continuance time. We'll just have to see how it goes.

I suspect things are going to be pretty hectic for a while around here. Right now, I'm too tired to think about it much. I'm going to bed.
Good night.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

This Week SUCKS !!!

The last few days have been insane! Total Chaos! Tuesday morning, Nick and Jennifer began moving their stuff from their apartment into my house. In the midst of all their chaos and destruction, the main sewer drain backed up and my basement flooded! Since Roy was at work, we had to call in a plumber. While I was busy moving things around in the basement, Nick and Jennifer were trashing the rest of my house. They had to move most of my furniture out, to make room for their huge, king size bed. Some how, my stuff ended up everywhere; the kitchen, the garage, even in the drive way ! It was a total night mare. I had only gotten about 5 hours sleep the night before, and everyone kept asking me why I was so cranky. They're just lucky I didn't kill anyone.

Wednesday morning, I had to take Jacob and Heather to their appointments at the eye doctor. Before I could even get out of bed, Nick was in my face, freaking out because, he was out of pain pills! His jaw quit hurting about a week ago, but he's been too stoned to notice. He's been taking 5 pills at a time ! I knew that he'd be frantic when his supply ran out, and sure enough, he was. (I don't know what he expected me to do - If it was up to me, I wouldn't have let him have them to start with!) Any way, while I was gone, he managed to talk the doctor into giving him 20 more. His doctor told him to use them to wean him self off of them because, he would NOT get any more. I spent the rest of the day putting my house back together; cleaning the basement, finding places to store all my furniture that they moved out, and trying to prepare the kids to go back to school on Thursday. When I went to bed at midnight, Nick was taking the LAST of his pain pills. (20 pain pills in 16 hours!!)

This morning, I woke up early to get Heather and Jake off to school. Nick had taken Jennifer to work and kept her car so that he could look for a job. I have warned Jennifer NOT to let Nick drive her car because, his license is suspended - he's not supposed to be driving! But she either won't listen, she would do anything for Nick. Anyway, with the two of them gone, I was able to get the kids off to school without event and in peace.

The first day of school is just a half day and shortly after the kids got home, the phone started ringing. The first call was from Nick. It was obvious that he had been drinking. In fact, he was so loaded that he was calling me to ask where Jennifer was. I told him that she was at work. (he took her there, Duh !) His response was loud and unintelligible, then he hung up on me. Right away, I knew that he would be in jail before the day was over. The second call, was from Jennifer's mother. She needed Jennifer's work number because, she had been contacted by the Olathe police department that Nick had wrecked Jennifer's car, and then, taken off running from the police! As drunk as he was, I'm sure that he wasn't hard to catch. (Nick honestly believes that he is living an episode of Cops. And believe me, when he is drinking, he is every bit as stupid as the people that are on that show.) End result: Nick was being taken to Jail, and Jennifer's car was towed to a police impound lot, where it would cost her $117.oo to get it released. Then, things got really complicated.

I spent the next hour talking to policemen, and police dispatchers, Roy, Jennifer, and even Jasmin, trying to piece together what had happened. I still don't know for sure. Finally, I went to pick up Jennifer from work. Jennifer told me that Nick came to her work to have lunch with her. He was obviously drunk at that point, he also told her that he had taken two or three Zanax. ( I have no idea where he got those) Any way, He was blitzed, Rather than taking the keys from him, she told him to take a nap in the car, and she went back to work. Fifteen minutes later, he had forgotten what Jennifer had said, and where she had disappeared to. (that's when he called me looking for her) Shortly after that, Nick was pulled over for reckless driving, less than a block from her work. ( ironically, also, less than a block from the jail.) Nick took off running, and the police assumed that he had been in a wreck earlier that day because, the air bags were deployed. (the air bags were still deployed from Sunday, when he was drunk) So he was arrested and Charged with: DUI #3, reckless driving, driving on a suspended license, and fleeing and eluding a police officer.

Jennifer's mom paid to get her car released, and she sent her sister over to help her pack her stuff and take her home. It's midnight, and I still haven't heard from Nick. He did, however call my mother and talk her into bailing him out of Jail. ( he convinced her that they couldn't feed him in jail and that he was going to starve!) When she called me to tell me what she planned to do, I told her, "If you bail him out, you have to figure out what to do with him because, he's NOT coming home to my house!" When I told her what he had been up to lately, and explained that the jail will NOT let him starve, she changed her mind about bailing him out.

Okay, it's 12:23AM and Nick just called me. Of course, he's begging me to let him come home. He swears that he won't drink or do drugs, but he's out of control, he can't stop now, no matter how much he wants to. He's angry that his grandmother could have, and was willing to, bail him out until I spoke to her. I tried to explain that I still love him - I'll always love him, but he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. Besides, he isn't going to "get off" on this, he's going to have to serve the time anyway - he might as well start now, and get it over with. I know that it sucks to be in jail with a broken jaw, and his mouth wired shut, but that was his doing too. He kept accusing me of "giving up on him" and I'm not. He just doesn't understand right now.
Oh, Fabulous ! Nick just called,again to tell me that if I am unwilling to bail him out, he will never speak to me again. That I can consider him my "dead" son.
Oh ,the drama . . .

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Well, it's Monday and . . .

Ohhhh . . . Sighhhhhh. Instead of getting myself back onto a normal sleep schedule, I'm becoming more nocturnal than ever. Of course it seems my life is becoming more off balance by the day. A couple of days ago, I was praying for the weekend to end, and for Monday to arrive. (what a fool I am!)

As I laid my head on the pillow last night, at 5AM, the sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon. Just as I was dozing off, Roy's alarm went off; Twenty minutes later, His cell phone rang. I could tell by his tone and responses that he was talking to Nick. Half mumbling, I ask Roy what Nick wanted. He said that Nick was on his way over and that he wanted to talk. I remember thinking that I should get up and find out what was going on, but Pete was sleeping on my feet, and my toes felt so nice and warm . . . The next thing I remember, Nick was kissing me on the cheek and telling me that Dad had told him that he and Jennifer could move back home, and he needed to talk to me about some details. That woke my ass up. I rolled over to see that it was Noon. I threw on my clothes and went to the kitchen to find my morning can of Diet coke.

I suspect that Jennifer pushed this plan. Apparently, Nick has had zero success at staying sober at his apartment. Jennifer seems to like it at our house, and I think that Nick's room mate has made her feel somewhat unwelcome at the apartment, She probably figures that between the three of us, we would have a better chance of keeping Nick sober. I suspect that Nick will make us all crazy and do what he wants regardless. If Nick is serious about getting sober, he needs to spend a month or two in detox. But he doesn't think that is an option with his broken jaw. I think, he's more worried about having to give up his pain pills. (which he is absolutely abusing) And Jennifer is worried that Nick will find someone else if he is out of her sight for more than an hour or two.

Anyway, He knows that the house rules still apply. He says no problemo, but I know better. I still have hope. I'd love nothing more than for this to work, but I don't think he's desperate enough to make it happen. His brain is so full of pain killers, he thinks he can do anything. He's going to be one cranky, desperate, addict when the doctor cuts him off.

I'm trying not to think about that right now. Instead, I've been trying to think about this years' Halloween. Heather has mentioned that she would like to do a vampire theme this year. I'm trying to figure out what I can do with that. If Nick is still here, I might not have as much space in the garage because, I'll probably be storing some of his stuff - and mine. I'm sort of hoping that the weather will be nice and I can use the front half of the garage and extend it out into the drive way. I'll probably keep the cemetery in the yard and see what I can add to it. I don't know, I'm just rambling. I need to get to bed.

Good night.

Sunday, August 10, 2008



1. I would like to see all four of my children into adulthood. Hopefully happy, and with the ability and skills to maintain said happiness.

2. I would like to actually own a house. A big one in a country setting, with enough room for all my dogs, and for my family to come and stay for a while over the holidays. (if I'm going to dream. . . .)

3. Travel. I'd like to explore the northern states of the U.S. - I'd also like to see the castles and country side of England, Ireland, and Scotland.

4. I'd like to have the time to really focus on my artistic talents, and see where they lead me. (I'm not really sure that time is the issue on this one, I think I just have to reach a point where I don't care if other people see my ambitions as selfish and foolish?)

5. I'd like to figure out what the F12 button on my computer does.

6. I'd like to get totally wasted and tell everybody what I really think of them, and all their bull shit. Yeah !

7. More than anything, I'd like to leave behind a legacy of love, forgiveness and joy.


1. I can draw.

2. I can bake some killer cookies.

3. I can do origami. I have yet to find a fold I can not master.

4. I can throw together one hell of a memorable Halloween night.

5. I have a knack for knowing when someone is lying to me, problem is, I usually don't care.

6. I can talk my husband into giving me almost anything I want. (O'course he's a total pushover!)

7. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan . . . etc, and so forth, and so on.


1. Have anymore children - thank you, Jesus!

2. Carry a tune - nope, totally tone deaf.

3. Get a credit card. In fact, I've been turned down for library cards in four states.

4. Pee in a cup without making a mess of everything.

5. Swim. Not a stroke, sink like a rock to the bottom every damn time.

6. Say no to a dog in need of a home. (obviously)

7. Tolerate intentional cruelty in any form.


1. I love a man with muscular forearms. I call it my Popeye complex. Men who work with their hands develop those muscles.

2. I like a man who isn't fussy, who isn't afraid to get dirty.

3. Men who are kind and gentle make me hot. I watch men to see if they treat strangers with kindness and respect.

4. Honesty. I believe that dishonesty is a symptom of mental weakness - people who lie, obviously, aren't thinking things through because, lies will always come back on you.

5. I like a man with a curious mind. People who are driven to understand how things work, are often willing to see things from another person's perspective.

6. I like men who are spontaneous because, I tend to plan too much. I need someone balance me out, or I can get myself tied into a knot with all my organizing and planning.

7. Of course, a good healthy sex drive is always a plus . . .


1. "I love you." - The most important words anyone can say.

2. "I don't care." - It's not that I'm indifferent, I'm just easy.

3. "Come in!" - I would wear the carpet thread bare if I answered my door every time someone knocked on it.

4. "Whatever" - Okay, maybe I am indifferent.

5. "Stop it before you break something" - Obviously, no one listens to me when I say that.

6. "My car - my radio." - They can press buttons until their little fingers are bloody stumps, as soon as they can afford to buy their own car.

7. "Please, be careful." - You would have to know my family to understand.


1. Mel Gibson. - He's my current ideal based on looks.

2. Brendon Frasier. -Very cute, especially in AirHeads.

3. Antonio Banderas.-Very hot, steamy stuff.

4. Brian Dennehey. - I love his smile, his eyes, and the way he carries himself. Very sexy in a fatherly-protector kind of way. Fabulous actor!

5. Johnny Depp - I love his looks and his creative artistic choices.

6. Aidan Quinn - Fell in love with him in Practical Magic

7. Rutger Hauer - broke my heart in Lady Hawke

Rules are Rules . . .

Well, now I feel like the creepiest mom that ever walked the earth. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I know that I did the right thing in holding him accountable to the "house rules", I still feel very conflicted about the whole thing.

I did manage to sleep in this morning until 2PM. (I stayed up extra late last night for that very purpose.) Unfortunately, when I woke, I found that Nick had not sobered up as planned. Instead, he decided that the best way to avoid a hangover is . . .that's right, a little of the hair of the dog that bit him. (or in Nick's case, a LOT more.) As I walked through the kitchen, Jennifer winked and whispered to me that she had "lost" her keys. She really doesn't get it. Jennifer's just so crazy in love with my son, she has no idea how much she is enabling him. She seems to be content to cajole him with her sweet manipulations and baby talk. She doesn't realise that I was done with that bull shit years ago. I guess she thought I was going to congratulate her on her cleverness of hiding the car keys from him. Instead, I gave her a serious look and said, "You need to take him home - now." I don't think she was expecting that response. Moments later, Nick was upstairs to confront me.
Once again, for what seems like the hundredth time, I am explaining the rules to him. Very simply: You are welcome here, in our house, only on the condition that you remain drug free and sober. If you can't do that, you have to leave. I guess that's what bothers me most. It sounds like I am setting conditions on my love for him, and of course, that's the way he chooses to interpret it; But I'm not, I am setting consequences for his behavior and choices. So the two of them load up their stuff and they leave.

45 minutes later, as I am talking to Jasmin on the phone, I turn to see the two to them sitting silently on the family room couch. Nick, on the verge of passing out, Jennifer, snuggled up next to him. I end my phone call , and ask them which part of "go home" they don't understand?
Nick, being way past the point of talking, says nothing. Eventually, Jennifer explains that on the way home, Nick insisted that she make a pit stop at the liquor store. They argued and she hit a curb. The air bags deployed, and cracked the windshield of her car. Rather than throwing his ass out of the car, and going home to her parents house - which is what I would have done - she decides to have a gentle and loving heart to heart chat with Nick about his drinking. After she talks him into a state of sullen silence, she brings him back home to me! Why does she keep doing that?!?! All I could do was shake my head and walk away in order to avoid screaming out of frustration. I sat in the kitchen listening to her beg and plead with a mostly unconscious man. After a couple of cigarettes, I finally had to go down stairs and spell it out for her.

"Jennifer, " I said, "You're wasting your breath talking to him. He won't remember any of this when he sobers up. Take him home, and put him to bed. Check on him once in a while to make sure he's okay, and hasn't choked on his own vomit, and wait. If you insist on having a relationship with this guy, you better get used to waiting. When he is sober enough to talk, you can have your say, but the two of you can't stay here."

If I wasn't so weary from dealing with drunks and drug addicts for the past 18 years, I would have given her some really helpful advice. Like. . . 'RUN!! Get away from this guy as fast as you can because, a deployed air bag and a cracked windshield, is just the tip of the iceberg in a long list of things you will lose.' But I couldn't. Partly because, I was sure that she wouldn't believe me. But mostly because, I just wasn't up for reliving the past 18 years of Hell. Most of the practical, helpful advice that I could have shared with her, are things that I don't like to think about, much less explain to a naive, doe eyed , 18 year old girl, who believes she's in love with my son. I love him too. I know exactly what she sees in him, and more than anything, I want him to be loved by someone who appreciates him for his good qualities. Deep down, I do believe in love, but I know the cost as well.

So, yeah, I feel like a hundred different kinds of shit right now. I am going to do Kate's meme, but I think that I'll wait until to night, when I feel a little less frazzled.

Love ya,

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Is it Monday yet?

Ugh ! It's a dreary, rainy Saturday. I finally drug myself out of bed at Noon. I think that was my first mistake. The last couple of days have been chaotic, and when I came down the stairs to see the results of my household neglect . . . well, I was over whelmed to the point of depression. I just wanted to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and ignore the world. Looking back, it probably would have been a good plan.

I spent my entire day on Thursday, outside, taking advantage of the cooler weather. Well, at least it was cooler than the previous scorching heat. After a few weeks of upper 90 degrees, (37C.) a few days of lower 80 degree temps (27C) feels like heaven. So anyway, I spent the day walking the dogs and doing yard work. Which meant my kids had free reign of the house.

Friday, Nick and his girlfriend showed up unexpectedly. Actually, I did invite him over to celebrate his birthday this weekend, but I thinking more along the lines of dinner and cake on Sunday night. (since his jaw is wired shut, it was going to be Taco soup and chocolate cheese cake) However, Nick's room mate decided to throw a three day party for the weekend, and I couldn't really bitch about him making the choice to stay at my house for a few days. ( silly me, I foolishly thought he was actually trying to stay sober.) So instead of having a day or two to put my house in order, I had to rush around and finish buying the kid's school supplies, stop by the doctor's office for some lab work, drop Heather at the church so she could go to World's of Fun with the youth group, throw together dinner, and pick up a few movies to keep everyone entertained. Nick wanted to watch the Bucket List, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, and I snagged a copy of Jumpers at Blockbusters. We had a good evening together, But, Oh my Gosh, my house was trashed this morning !

When I woke this morning, Nick and Jennifer had mysteriously disappeared, and Roy was at work. Heather was still sleeping off her day at the amusement park, and Jake had just wandered downstairs a few minutes before me. The carpets and furniture were covered with dog hair, the dishes were piled up and over flowing in the sink, Popcorn, shoes, clothes, dirty dishes, were everywhere. And I just didn't want to deal with any of it. For once, I was in the mood to do some work in my art room, but no . . . my obsessive/ compulsive disorder wouldn't allow it. There is just no way I can ignore my house when it is that trashed. I really wanted to, but I couldn't. Unlike everyone else in my house, my mind simply won't function in a chaotic environment. It's taken me years of struggle to tolerate even a minimal mess that 4 children, 5 dogs, and 1 husband can create on a daily basis, but once it exceeds a certain level, I fall apart.

I had no choice, I started cleaning, all the while getting more and more worked up. Now, my rational mind knows that this sort of thing doesn't bother my family, it's not their issue, it's mine. I was feeling frustrated, which lead to feeling sorry for myself, which eventually lead to anger.I just wanted to have some "me time"! I know that it's childish, and I hate being like this! So, I'm grumbling and cleaning, knowing that I could easily spend my whole day doing this crap, even though I don't want to, and no one else will even notice.

Finally, around 3PM, I shut off the vacuum because I hear my husband's voice.I go to the kitchen and everyone is home, chattering away, raiding the refrigerator, and making plans to go fishing. Part of me is relieved to discover that they are getting out from under my feet, so I can get some work done; But at the same time, knowing that Nick is going fishing with Roy and the kids, sets off an alarm in my brain. The last few times that Roy and Nick went fishing turned into disasters because, Nick just. can't. quit. drinking. And I certainly didn't like the idea of Heather and her friend tagging along. So now, I can add fear and apprehension to my emotional turmoil ! All I could do was go upstairs to my room and have a nervous breakdown. Finally, Roy comes in and reassures me that he will keep an eye on Nick, and everything will be fine. (Right, whatever. )

Jake is not a fisherman, so as soon as they left, I tried to distract myself by taking Jake to Walmart to buy him some new jeans and shirts for school. Yesterday, when I was there picking up school supplies, I spotted a top that I really liked, but I didn't want to spend the money on it. Today, I bought it. I also got a couple pairs of new jeans for myself. (What? they were on sale!) I think Walmart should change it's name to the Hundred Dollar Store because, I can't remember the last time I got out of there without spending that much.

When I got home, I put on my new shirt and felt instant happiness. For the past few months, I have noticed a pattern. Whenever I feel depressed or worried, I feel a desperate need to buy something new - doesn't matter whether I need it or not. It doesn't have to be clothes either, it could be anything - a new book, a drawing pad, a plant, anything. "Comfort" shopping? Oh God, that's just what I need, another disorder. I would be a psychiatrist's wet dream. I'm not sure that I care anymore. I feel like I have lived my whole life surrounded by people with their own self destructive craziness - it was bound to rub off on me sooner or later. Besides, if they can be selfish and stupid, why can't I? Why do I always have to be the sane, rational one who always does the right thing? (Just because I know better?) UGH, Never mind. Disregard that last paragraph of bullshit. I just realised what I sound like - I DO know better. (But I'm keeping the shirt anyway!)

Anyway, They did, eventually, make it home - sober, no less. Nick couldn't stand it though. He didn't even take time to help Roy unload the fishing gear from the van. Without a word to anyone, he jumped in the car with Jennifer and disappeared for 30 minutes. When he came back, he was obviously wasted. To make a long story short, we had words. Actually, I had words - Nick, had disjointed thoughts, and slurred speech. I really have no idea what he said because, his mouth is wired shut, and whatever he took, was in addition to twice the normal dose of pain killers. So really, the whole conversation was pointless, as usual. Eventually, he stormed out of the house wearing only his boxers. ( don't ask - it's a really long, complicated story, and It still doesn't make any sense to me.) He said, that he and Jennifer were going
home, and at that point, I really didn't care. They were gone for a couple of hours, but now they're back. Jennifer says, that she managed to talk to him and calm him down. Well, that's nice, but why the hell did she bring him back here ?! He's already passed out in bed, which is good. This may not sound very maternal, but I sure as hell don't want to deal with his sorry ass in the morning. Thank you very much, but I've been there, done that, and it's not pretty.

I keep wondering how long it will take Jennifer to feel the same way? I really like Jennifer, she's a nice girl. In fact,she's too nice. She isn't helping Nick by tolerating his shitty behavior. I'd say that he needs some one to kick his ass, but someone has already done that, and it hasn't made much of an impression on him either.

Anyway, I don't think I'll be making the same mistake twice. Tomorrow, I'm staying in bed! I don't want to know what the house looks like, I don't care what they eat, or what they do. I'm taking a sick day, and I'm not getting up until everyone goes home and I can have my life back.

Good night.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


JDLR. That's copspeak for "Just Doesn't Look Right." It's a phrase that I heard a policeman use a couple of weeks ago on one of those reality cops shows. Strangely enough, It's an accronymn that I find popping into my mind more, and more often, as my youngest litter of children approach and enter their teen years. There are days when everything in my life seems JDLR. And I think we all know, if it's JDLR, then it probably isn't right, and somebody should probably go check it out. Too bad that "somebody" is usually me.

This afternoon, as I was making my bed, I happened to glance across the hallway and spied Jacob and Patrick ransacking Heather's bed room. JDLR. No one goes into Heather's room during the day - not even Heather. I really didn't want to, but I asked them what they were up to. Their response: "Uh . . . looking for some string."
"Why do you need string?" I asked.
"For uh . . . for . . .something." followed by suppressed giggling.
When I hear answers like that, I have to stop and access the possibilities. How much trouble could they get into with string? Do I really want to know? I thought that I was pretty safe, but I decided to wait and see where they were headed. A few moments later, they left Heather's room, empty handed, and went down stairs. I thought I could relax. I finished making the bed, scraped Roy's dirty sox off the floor, and tossed them in the hamper. As I came down the stairs I heard hysterical laughter coming from the kitchen. I hurried down the steps and turned the corner. Since they couldn't find any string, they had snatched the scotch tape dispenser off my computer desk. One end of a 5 foot length of tape was wrapped around the neck of a headless, slightly mutilated, naked, Bratz doll. The other end was secured to one of the blades of the ceiling fan over the kitchen table, wobbling and turning at high speed. The footless legs were bashing against the curtain valance as it whizzed past. The two of them were looking up, rotating there heads on their necks the way a a couple of cats would watch a bird. Except, they were laughing like maniacs. I cleared my throat to get their attention, they turned to look at me, and at that moment, the tape broke free of the fan blade and the centripetal force sent the Bratz doll flying through the air, missing their heads by inches, slamming it into the cupboards. Which of course, sent them into another round of hysterics. For the rest of the day, they made a game out of sneaking various objects into the kitchen and trying to attach them to the ceiling fan. At one point, I came home from the corner store to find four bowls of dry cereal balanced on top each fan blade spinning at slow speed. The boys were outside skateboarding.

As I sit here now, the two of them are in the kitchen having a sword fight with a Chuck it ball throwing stick, and an empty iced tea pitcher. The dogs are scurrying in between them, barking at them as if to say, JDLR ! Mom! JDLR !

I think I am going to take a Tylenol and go to bed.


My Baby is Growing Up.

Hey there!

I'm getting a late start this evening because, I had to make an unscheduled, and unexpected, trip to the 24 hour Hy-Vee down the street. My youngest child would die of embarrassment if she knew I was writing this, but this is a mile stone. My baby girl has just started her period. She's only 11 years old ! But, I guess I was 11 or 12 as well. I can't believe how cool and calm she is about the whole thing - way too worldly. God, I remember being a nervous wreck! Sure, we watched the films in school, but I was SO clueless. Of course, it wasn't as easy as peel and stick back then. Besides, I didn't have a lot of girlfriends, and my mother and I weren't real close. Talking to my mother about anything as personal as my period, ranked somewhere on the stress meter around a twelve. I would have rather marched into the school Principal's office and confessed to cheating, than to discuss my period with my mother! I'm just glad that I have a different kind of relationship with my kids. Over the past year, Heather has brought up the subject several times. Her biggest worry is, if she will have any discomfort. I've been sort of talking to God about that, and praying that she is one of the lucky ones. Heather's tolerance for pain is ZERO . So far, so good - Thank you, Lord!

This afternoon, I got the kids enrolled at school. I still have to shop for their supplies and school clothes. I guess I'll do that this weekend. I think that Jake is looking forward to going back. Why wouldn't he? School is just a big social event for him. He doesn't know yet, but this year, there are going to be some expectations, and consequences, for him.
Heather is a little more anxious about the whole thing. I think she'll do fine. I've seen her blossom over the summer, both physically, and in terms of confidence. I'll be sure to get her some cool clothes and then, she'll be the one driving me crazy! Oh, life is SO grand!
I think I'm looking forward to finding some kind of routine and rhythm. Life has just been a bit too spontaneous lately - too much chaos, too many kids coming and going. I need a bit of routine to keep my self anchored; otherwise, I start to feel like I'll float away into the atmosphere like a big, over inflated balloon.

I think I'll hold off to start back to school after the holidays. With all the insanity that has happened lately, I've run out of time to enroll. I could probably still pull it off at the last minute, but I just don't want to feel stressed and anxious about it; I want to enjoy it. I'll take this fall to get myself organized, and for once, I'll have a reason to look forward to holidays.

Today is Nick's 23rd Birthday. Now that he has a girlfriend, he has plans of his own, and he's much too busy to come hang out with his mom. I think that's a good thing. I just hope that he is behaving himself. I told him we could celebrate this weekend - maybe we can throw a cake in the blender or something? Having his jaw wired shut, sort of limits our options a bit. Poor kid.

Well, I need to get my butt off to bed. 'Night all.


Monday, August 4, 2008

If it isn't one thing, it's another . . .

Right now I'm sitting here, smoking a cigarette, while yet another stimulating episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants plays in the back ground. I'm just havng a hard time getting motivated to do much of anything. It's not that I don't have things to do, I just can't seem to find any justification for doing them.

Last night, as I was shutting things down and heading off to bed, the phone rang. Jasmin has been dealing with abdominal pain for the past week, and it chose last night to flair up. I parked myself on the couch in the darkened house, and discussed her options for dealing with her problem. After about an hour of discussion, she contacted her doctor, and she was instructed to go to the emergency room for testing. She called me back and asked me to meet her there. Once again, I found myself throwing on clothes, and waking my husband to tell him that I was leaving in the middle of the night.

Once again, this E.R. visit turned out to be a total waste of perfectly good sleep time. Not that she didn't have a legitimate problem, but that we found ourselves in a hospital full of incompetent, over paid, morons. Their response to her pain was not to discover the problem and fix it, but to offer her pain killers and send her back home. Her doctor specifically requested that they do a sonogram, and a CT scan, if needed. After running basic blood tests, doing a pelvic exam, and a urine test, they felt confident that they had covered their asses well enough to feel safe in sending her home. They really couldn't be bothered to adhere to her doctor's instructions because, it was 3:00AM, and they would have had to call in technicians to preform the necessary tests to do their jobs properly. I've been to three different emergency rooms in the last week. I've pretty much concluded that if anything happens to me that requires treatment at an E.R., I'd prefer to just be shot in the head. Or maybe, they could take me to the vets office and have me put to sleep? Dear God, just don't take me to a hospital !!

Anyway, I finally fell into bed at 4AM this morning; and I dragged myself out of bed at 12:30 this afternoon. In spite of getting a full 8 hours sleep, I still feel exhausted, frustrated, and just generally overwhelmed by life. Why is it, that the harder I try to get my life back on track, the more it seems the world conspires against me? Is there an evil plot to make me insane? Is God sitting in Heaven, chuckling at my frustrations, testing me to see what it takes to push me over the edge? Nah, God wouldn't do that to me . . .Right? All I know, is that a couple of weeks ago, I could clearly see what changes that I needed to make to accomplish my goal of a sane and orderly home life. I had a clear picture of what things would look like on a day to day basis. Now? Eh, who gives a shit. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep until the world figures out how to function, without pulling me in a million different directions. I really thought that after taking my "literary cruise" this weekend, I'd be able to jump right back into life, set things in order, and get things done. But apparently, my plan was doomed before I had a chance to begin. I know, I know, the rational part of me says that life isn't just about being organised, and creating structure and stability; but it's about rolling with the punches, and dealing with the unexpected. I've always been able to do that in the past. It's just that lately, it seems like re grouping and moving forward doesn't come as easily as it used to. (Partly because it seems so pointless) I keep wondering, am I just struggling with a particularly hectic "season" of my life, or is it me? Is my tolerance for temporary chaos wearing thin? Am I on the verge of becoming one of those rigid old women, with no patience for life's spontaneous interruptions? I don't want to wake up one day to discover that I am done with life, before life is done with me. But the truth is, I feel worn out. I'm tired of fighting to create something sane and rational out of chaos - it feels like a lost cause.

However, having said all that, I already see a major flaw in this particular line of thought. The reality is: I am 46 years old, and I'm up to my eyeballs in this life, and all it's imperfections. It's not like I can just take my ball and go home - that ceased to be an option about 25 years ago. In all truthfulness, I wouldn't have a clue how to start over, or how to do anything else. Instead of bitching and moaning about the unfairness of it all, *sigh* I think I'll just take a nap, and try to approach this from a different angle, with a better attitude. What the hell, if it turns out to be my destiny to become one of those cranky old ladies - I'll just take up drinking, and play it for all it's worth. No point in letting my "golden years" go to waste.

Okay, that's my new plan - for now. Uh, okay, I guess that really doesn't qualify as a plan, but I'm just rambling on about crazy shit anyway.


Sunday, August 3, 2008

Happy Endings


Me again. I just finished up my book this afternoon. What an incredible read!! It was exactly the kind of escape that I needed. I was so worried about how Stephenie Meyer would wrap things up. I have to say, I'm very satisfied with the ending. She did an awesome job, it was worth the wait. Without a doubt, it was the best of the four books. People who had followed the series finally got all of the spectacular events they had been waiting for, and a lot of new and unexpected things besides. If you get a chance, I highly recommend it. You might as well grab all four books while you're at the bookstore because, you'll be hooked after the first couple of chapters. The next big event is the movie that's based on the first book: Twilight. That comes out in December!

Now, unfortunately, it's back to the real world for me. The real world isn't really so awful; but I always know, even before I start a book, that there will be a price to be paid for my escape. I've lots of catching up to do around the house. Plus, for the next week or so, I have to focus on all the added last minute preparations for the kids return to school. (Oh! and Nick's birthday is coming up on Tuesday!) I tried not to procrastinate this year, but this summer started off with so many unknowns and uncertainties. Of course, I'm pleased with the way everything has worked out, I just wish I'd had more time to prepare. Some how, I always feel like life is a game of "catch up", with me being the last to know anything. Oh well, I'm not complaining. One of the things I've learned, is that it can always be worse!

Well, I need to get myself off to bed and try to start off fresh this week. Good night.

Weekend Vacation.

Hey there,

I just thought I'd drop you all a note to let you know that I haven't fallen off the edge of the earth, I'm not in the midst of a personal crisis, and all is well.

I've just decided that after the past week, and all the insanity, I'm in need of a vacation. I'm tired of being grown up and responsible. I've dealt with doctors, and policemen. Managed bloody, unreasonable, injured drunks. Handled their girlfriends and families. Cooked and cleaned for family and guests. I've ran kids to back - to - school hair appointments, and parties, bought shoes, paid bills, done my yearly medical and lab work, and cared for a pack of five dogs.

As of Friday night, I have been sucked into a good book. I'm reading the last book of the Twighlight series: Breaking Dawn. The laundry hampers are over flowing, the beds have gone unmade, the dishes are piling up in the sink, and the carpets are covered with dog hair. I haven't cooked a single meal, and it's just too hot to walk the dogs. And I don't care. I still have another 200 pages left, and the world can wait untill I return. I am on holiday for the weekend !

Hope everyone else is having a geat weekend as well.