Good bye 2008

This has been one hell of a year. To be quite honest, I'm glad that it's finally over. It didn't start out well. This time last year, I felt like my life was falling apart. We were unsure about our living situation, and considering a move. After looking into several options, we finally decided to stay put. My husband had a change (for the better) in employment.

Otherwise, the greatest source of our ups and downs, once again, has been my oldest son. He had, on New Year's eve, given up on his sobriety and walked away from a rehab program and moved back home. Over the course of the past year, He moved into an apartment with a room mate, his drug and alcohol issues have resulted in; a fall from a second story balcony, a broken jaw, another move back home, a third DUI, which he has yet to deal with, jail time, a second attempt at rehab, which he also bailed out of, and moving in and out of our home three times, along with his new girlfriend, to who he is currently engaged. In spite of all the changes, he still hasn't dealt with his addiction issues, so we had to ask them to leave.

I think for 2009, my goal will be to focus more on my own life and family at home, and not allow the insanity of my son's addiction to turn things upside down and control our world. I feel like I have allowed the addictions of others to rule my life for too many years. While Nick is my son and I love him dearly, he's 23 years old, and I still have two more children that need my focus, a marriage that has virtually gone into hibernation as a result of all the stress and chaos, and most of all, I have my own spirit that has been negleted for far too long. I want to start moving forward, instead of just treading water in the purgatory of addiction. I'm still working on putting together some plans that might help to jump start the situation. Although I don't feel like I have every thing all mapped out, I have a good idea what direction I want to go, and I want to leave room for God and intuition to guide me. Also, I'm open to suggestions.

Well, it's just struck midnight and it's officially 2009 - wish me luck !!!

Happy new year everyone !!!!!

Love ya,

Susan

Preparing for Change

Okay, Here's the plan. Tomorrow, I wake up, knock out about a weeks worth of house work that's been piling up due to my crappy up again-down again holiday attitude. Take the dogs out for a proper walk; Nick and Jennifer dropped by this afternoon and took them out before they went home, but Nick's idea of dog walking is the equivalent of canine mass hysteria. Then, I have to cleverly figure out a way to . . . how do I put this tactfully? . . . uh . . . ditch the kids for a few hours. If I can scrape together a few dollars, I could send them to a movie, but with the post Christmas money situation, I might do better to invest in a bottle of Benadryl and spike their Kool-aid. One way or another, I need to have some alone time with my husband when he comes home from work tomorrow evening - we need to chat.

I feel like I am on the verge of doing something crazy and desperate, like . . . getting a life. Unfortunately, it's been so long since I've had one, I'd probably screw the whole thing up. Instead of resembling anything you might see on Desperate Housewives, it would probably look more like something you'd see on The Jerry Springer Show. I have to make some changes, I have to do something different. I'm not sure what yet, but I know that it has to happen, or at least, begin soon. There is a voice inside me that is saying,
"It's time to be reborn, to re create yourself - "THIS" is not working - it's just existing. I have to move forward."
There is no direction, no challenge, no plan, no future - it's just not enough. Not just in MY life, but in OUR life. I'm not entirely sure that Roy is feeling the same way, or if he even thinks in those terms. After all, he is a man, their brains don't work the same as ours. I'm not sure that he'll want to hear, or even understand, what I have to say.

There was a time when "this life" was a good thing, when it worked for us, but it's time to move forward - to grow. For me, it feels like every area of my life is in a big, muddy rut. It's hard to know where to begin, or what to do. I just know that someone has to get the ball rolling, to create forward momentum, to infuse some energy, or I am going to start sinking. I know that it all can't be sorted out in one evening, but it's a start.

I'm not sure if any of what I'm saying makes any sense. I'm pretty sure that it's going to confuse my husband, but he should be used to that by now.

Okay, it's late, and I need to get some sleep.
Goodnight.
Love,
Susan

Disturbed

It's been a really rough day today. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the post holiday exhaustion hitting really hard, maybe it's the weather, or maybe it's just PMS, who the hell knows. I'm just feeling like I'd really like to go into hibernation right now.

I woke this morning with my head pounding like a big bass drum and it just won't quit. I suspect that it's the weird Kansas weather. We go from 3 degrees to 60 degrees in the course of four days. When I heard that it was going to warm up, I thought,
"Sunshine, I can get my dogs out for a walk!"
Turned out to be rainy and muggy, so on top of a headache, I've just felt let down and disappointed today. As if that wasn't enough, my cycle is totally out of whack again, and I feel like I am just on the verge of screaming, or crying, or something.

For example, right now, Jake has Tyler over to spend the night, and he's downstairs strumming on Heather's electric guitar. He really is fairly good, but it's taking all I have not to go down there and bash him over the head with it.

My brain is just filled with too many fragmented thoughts and I can't seem to come up with any kind of plan. All I really want to do is go to bed, pull the blankets over my head, and stay there for about a week. The idea of having a house full of teenagers until January 7th just feels overwhelming. I'm sure it will all go away soon and I'll be fine, maybe tomorrow, or sometime soon, but right now . . . . uggghhhh, it's very unsettling, it's not me.

I'm going to go back to bed, and try this again tomorrow

Christmas Eve, and all peaceful in my world

I don't know how it happened, but it looks like we pulled it all together for another Christmas. I really should have more faith, it's like this every year. We worry, and struggle, and fret, for months - all to no avail - then, at the last minute, it all comes together.

In fact, this year may include a special treat. The kids have always argued that they should be allowed to open their gifts on Christmas eve, after all, Jesus was born on Christmas eve, not Christmas morning. I don't know why, tradition I guess, Roy and I have always fought it. This year, I just got tired of fighting, so we let them open their gifts this evening. After all, it's not like we have to pretend that we have to wait for Santa anymore. So . . . For the first time in 30 years, I get to sleep in on Christmas morning !!!!! It's going to be weird, but I think that I could get used to it.

While the kids checked out their new "toys," I spent the rest of my Christmas eve baking cookies and putting together gift baskets for our family get together tomorrow afternoon at my mom's house. Nick is bringing Jennifer with him, ( he bought her a lovely engagement ring for Christmas!) My nephew is bringing his new wife, and my niece will have her new baby (who I haven't seen yet) with her. This little family get together just keeps getting bigger and bigger. The only one who won't be there is my youngest brother and his wife. They are currently living in St. Louis, MO. and he is still recovering from surgery, and I'm sure, the loss of time at work that all that entails.

So . . . now that I've survived this far, I can relax and look forward to just spending time with my family, and eating lots of food, on Christmas day. Whew! I feel like I huge burden has just been lifted. I'm going to go sit on the couch, put my feet up and just relax now.

I hope you ALL have a fabulous Christmas as well !!!!!!!

Love ya,

Susan

BRRRRRRR . . .

Okay, with Christmas right around the corner, I really hate to complain, but what the hell, it wouldn't be the first time that I was on the naughty list. People, it's just freakin' COLD here in Kansas !!!! I can't believe this crap ! It's THREE DEGREES here! (that's minus 16 degrees Celsius) Has anyone seen the movie, The Day After Tomorrow? Well that's what it's like here. We're all huddled together for warmth, and I must have the draftiest house in the universe. You can feel the icy air seeping through around all the doors and windows. The kids are both on the couch wrapped up in their big, heavy comforters from their beds, and underneath they're both wearing their hoodies, jeans, and fuzzy slippers. They are even arguing over who gets to snuggle up with Princess to stay warm. (neither one of them are fond of Princess, but she's like a furry little hot water bottle.) I have two space heaters running, and the oven is on with the door open, and we're still cold. I may have to break down and let my pyromaniac husband build a fire in the fire place, but in my opinion, it really doesn't put off much heat.

It's just not fair. Everyone around us is getting snow - but oh no, not us. I'm freezing my ass off and when I look out the window, all I see is grey skies, naked trees, and dead lawns. I should at least get something pretty to look at while I'm trapped in this ice box.

Besides, all this cold weather is crap for my delicate skin. A dainty flower such as myself should not be exposed to such extremes. I am dry and itchy all over. UGH !!!!!

Well, I just needed to vent - I'm done now.

Love y'all
Have a Merry Christmas.
Susan

What do YOU want for Christmas?

For that matter, what do you want - just because? I've been thinking about these kinds of questions, lately. Christmas is a time for gift giving, right? (at least in theory anyway) We make our list of people who are near and dear to us, and we begin guessing what might make them happy. Our maybe, our goal is to fulfill some need that they might have. What do they need? What do they want? Sometimes, the hardest part is just figuring out what they don't already have. We assume that what they want, or need, is something that they don't yet have. Is this true, or is it just something that we tell ourselves? Will it make them happy?

I have to be honest, there are things that I want, and there are things that I need, but the things that make me happy, aren't things that can be bought, or wrapped, or placed under a tree. My friend, Kate, did a post and listed 6 things that make her happy. Not one of them could be purchased at Walmart. I suspect that if we were all to make a list of 6 things that make us happy, it would be much the same. It isn't "stuff" that brings us joy and happiness, it's the things that we give ourselves, or treasures that we find in the people around us. I've known Kate for two years now, she has needs, we all do, but most of the things that we "need", in fact, our most urgent needs, are intangible as well. And often times, we live our whole lives with those things right under our noses, or at least within our reach; and for some reason, we are just too busy, too afraid, or too ashamed, to acknowledge them, much less tell anyone else what those needs might be.

So, what's all this about? Where is all of this going? I'm not sure. I'm just starting to feel, yearning actually, that somehow Christmas could, and should be, more meaningful than just a lot of commercialized greed, or the random exchange of "stuff." I know that there really are people that sincerely need material things. Things that could possibly change the direction and circumstances of their lives. I know that there are people who are hurting so much more than my family is right now; Not just financially, but emotionally and spiritually. I'm feeling a need to give something that isn't just an empty and meaningless gesture. Not only for the people in my life, but for others. Have you ever given a Christmas gift that that really mattered to someone? I'm not sure that I have.


Tomorrow, my husband and I are going Christmas shopping, so I've been looking over my children's Christmas wish list. This has been a strange Christmas season so far, in that my kids didn't start making their Christmas lists until a few weeks ago. Stranger still, are the lists that they've given me. Heather's list only contains 5 items, none of them hugely expensive. Jacob only lists four very simple requests. Most of the things on their lists are things that, if they had told us that they really wanted them, they would have gotten them without the benefit of a holiday or special occasion. Maybe not all at once, but they just aren't major purchases, you know? Now my kids are well aware that our money situation is strained this year, but they have both made the comment,

"There really isn't much that I want, or need." and they both seemed believably sincere.

Maybe, it's just wishful thinking, but I am starting to wonder if my children are learning to be content without a lot of "stuff." For teenagers, that's kind of a mature concept, but they do seem to be learning that friends and family are more important than "things."

Maybe, it's time for me to do some re-evaluating and consider making some changes concerning how our family celebrates Christmas? Changes that make the holidays less stressful and more joy filled. That's what I want for Christmas.

Ornament Painting

Painting Ornaments: Ana, Roy, Chrissy, and Summer

Well, it's midnight and things are finally quieting down around here. I had all the kids over, plus four of Jake's friends, and two of Heather's friends, to paint Christmas ornaments. I'm a big after Christmas shopper, and for the past several years, I always go by the craft stores and buy up all the plaster craft white ware ornaments for next to nothing, so I always have them on hand for the next year. Since we had so many kids this year, I picked up about 40 of the wooden ornaments that can either be painted or colored with markers. They all painted three or four ornaments each, they they started painting random things on the paper plates.

I know that it seems silly, but kids LOVE to color and paint. (so do grown ups, if the truth be told) Even Jasmin's teenage friends loved to color on a huge doodle art poster that I kept on the kitchen table. They would sit and chat while they colored for hours.

Everyone showed up early so I ordered pizza and we made an evening of it. After we finished and I got things cleaned up, we had hot cocoa with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.

Oh ! and the very best thing happened!!! Jasmin read on my blog that my vacuum bit the dust, so when she came by to drop off Ana, She brought me a . . . VACUUM !!!! She's so wonderful ! At least someone understands how a mom feels when she can't vacuum her house. I was so happy, after everyone had gone to do their own thing, I got my new vacuum out and finally got the high traffic carpet area in the kitchen swept up. I have a long, dark blue carpet that runs the length of my kitchen. It catches all the dirt and loose hairs from the dogs when they come inside, before they can drag it all into my living room. If I don't vacuum that carpet every day, it gets so covered with fur, that you can't even tell what color it is! That's the area that was really grossing me out.

Anyway, we all had a good time this evening, I got my carpet vacuumed, and I'm feeling very content with a tummy full of hot cocoa. I still wish it God would dump a bunch of snow on us, but I guess you can't have everything. For now, this is enough.

Nick and Jennifer, and all the extra kids have gone home. I have Ana spending the night with Heather, and Quentin and Tyler are spending the night with Jake. They have all gone to their rooms, and I think, they are asleep - they are being awfully quiet. So, I think I'm going to go soak in a nice hot tub and go to bed. I really need to get some Christmas shopping done tomorrow.

Good night everyone. Hope you all have an awesome weekend !!!!

Love,

Susan