Monday, December 29, 2008

Preparing for Change

Okay, Here's the plan. Tomorrow, I wake up, knock out about a weeks worth of house work that's been piling up due to my crappy up again-down again holiday attitude. Take the dogs out for a proper walk; Nick and Jennifer dropped by this afternoon and took them out before they went home, but Nick's idea of dog walking is the equivalent of canine mass hysteria. Then, I have to cleverly figure out a way to . . . how do I put this tactfully? . . . uh . . . ditch the kids for a few hours. If I can scrape together a few dollars, I could send them to a movie, but with the post Christmas money situation, I might do better to invest in a bottle of Benadryl and spike their Kool-aid. One way or another, I need to have some alone time with my husband when he comes home from work tomorrow evening - we need to chat.

I feel like I am on the verge of doing something crazy and desperate, like . . . getting a life. Unfortunately, it's been so long since I've had one, I'd probably screw the whole thing up. Instead of resembling anything you might see on Desperate Housewives, it would probably look more like something you'd see on The Jerry Springer Show. I have to make some changes, I have to do something different. I'm not sure what yet, but I know that it has to happen, or at least, begin soon. There is a voice inside me that is saying,
"It's time to be reborn, to re create yourself - "THIS" is not working - it's just existing. I have to move forward."
There is no direction, no challenge, no plan, no future - it's just not enough. Not just in MY life, but in OUR life. I'm not entirely sure that Roy is feeling the same way, or if he even thinks in those terms. After all, he is a man, their brains don't work the same as ours. I'm not sure that he'll want to hear, or even understand, what I have to say.

There was a time when "this life" was a good thing, when it worked for us, but it's time to move forward - to grow. For me, it feels like every area of my life is in a big, muddy rut. It's hard to know where to begin, or what to do. I just know that someone has to get the ball rolling, to create forward momentum, to infuse some energy, or I am going to start sinking. I know that it all can't be sorted out in one evening, but it's a start.

I'm not sure if any of what I'm saying makes any sense. I'm pretty sure that it's going to confuse my husband, but he should be used to that by now.

Okay, it's late, and I need to get some sleep.
Goodnight.
Love,
Susan

2 howled back:

Cat said...

It is never to late to reinvent yourself - if you don't like something then change it - and for me that meant baby steps until I figured out exactly what I needed and wanted to change.

You can do whatever you put your mind to do - its a new year!

Cat

sparsely kate said...

I feel like you do have a lot of changes coming because you're reached that point where things can't go on for you like they have been, you need to be happy and feel some fresh winds of change blowin!
You'll do this. I wish for you something that makes your soul dance. Like art class! :)

Happy New year my dear friend. xxx