Friday, August 7, 2009

The calm before . . . the storm?

Oh my. I woke up this morning feeling SO old. I don't know why, every now and then, I have days like that. I'm not really depressed, I've just felt tired and achey all over, and every little thing seems like such a monumental effort. I don't feel like I've accomplished much of anything today. I had good intentions, I did get a lot of things started, but I just lost momentum somewhere along the line. On the other hand, the fact that I managed to make it this far, without a nap, or just plain giving up, seems pretty amazing, all things considered. I think that at some point in my morning, I just looked around and thought, 'There are FAR too many people in my house, just lounging around.'

It's been that way for the past few days. Nick is struggling to find a new job since he was laid off, and it's just starting to feel like he's given up. I don't want that to sound wrong - he's had a lot to deal with this past week. When he got laid off work, he wrestled with justifying the cost and inconvenience of continuing his methadone treatment. He considered a new, alternate, drug to ease the with draw from the methadone, but ultimately decided to just white knuckle his way through it, and be done with it all as simply, and quickly, as possible. I know that what he is going through right now is difficult; it's really hard to with draw from methadone and focus on anything else at the same time. (least of all, looking for a job) It has all just changed the rhythm of my day at bit, and I'm struggling to regroup.

About the same time, things have slowed down for Roy at work, and he's been at home much more than I, or him, are used to. He's taking advantage of the slow time right now to schedule some surgery on his back. That's a good and positive thing, that I know will help him a lot. (and it's something that has been put on hold for far too long) But dealing with insurance companies and doctors, scheduling all the tests and pre approvals, can be complicated and frustrating, almost a full time task. I know that he's feeling anxious about the surgery, but also trying to remain hopeful about the final outcome. I think that when it's all said and done, he has just been feeling out of his element this past week.

In addition, this is the last week of summer vacation for the kids. I know that this summer hasn't been all that they had hoped for, in fact it's been pretty disappointing for everyone. They seem to be torn between wanting to get back to school and see their friends, and dreading the whole school work thing.

The last time that Jen went to the Doctor, they told her that according to the sonograms, the baby is developed enough that she could deliver anytime between now, and the first week of September. I know she has to feel uncomfortable, as well as nervous and anxious. I've noticed that she has been keeping Nick as close as possible lately.

Bottom line . . . Right now, everyone is in a transition phase. It's almost a tangible feeling in the air at our house. We're all poised and ready for some big and drastic changes that are just on the verge of happening. But they're the sort of changes that can't be rushed. (or avoided.) They will unfold in their own time and way. Until then, we just wait, try to prepare, and hope for the best. Hopefully, it won't be too much, all at one time, and we will be able to catch our second wind in between events. I know that's my biggest fear.

With my luck, Roy's surgery will end up being scheduled for the same day that the kids go back to school, and then, Jen will go into labor on the same day. Or, what if, God forbid, any or all of the above have complications? When you're part of this family, you learn that complications are an every day occurrence. I know that I shouldn't allow myself to think that way. But every day we spend waiting, it becomes a more likely possibility. I know that I don't really have any control over any of it. I just have to have faith that whatever happens, I can deal with it, without holding myself responsible for it all.

Okay, I need to sleep.

Love,
Susan

1 howled back:

sparsely kate said...

Ok, I'm praying that everything here works out as it should... it's the least you guys deserve!!

Take of yourself Susan, that's very important. Try and sneak in a bit of alone time doing something that you want to do... there are lots of good films out there! xx