Memories of 9/11

I remember, it was an absolutely glorious September morning. I had just dropped off my children at school, and I was headed back home, cruising down the back streets, windows down, listening to my favorite radio station. I remember exactly where I was. The disc jockey's came on after a song and said they just received a video over the press wires that had them feeling puzzled. They tried to describe what they were seeing; an explosion? No, a plane had crashed into the world trade center. They were unclear as to whether it was a freak accident, or something more sinister. Seconds later, they grew frantic as they described a second plane crashing into the second tower. By that time, I was pulling into the drive. I rushed inside to watch CNN. Nick had just returned home from a treatment program a few days earlier, and he was just beginning to re-adjust to a normal home life. He seemed confused when I grabbed the remote from his hands, and began searching the channels. He was shocked into silence when I told him to, "shut up for a minute."


For the next several hours, we both sat in silence as the events unfolded and footage was played and replayed, narrated by mostly speculation, shock, and confusion from the most seasoned newscasters. I couldn't ever recall a time when network reporters were left speechless, or reduced to pure emotions.


I remember feeling my empty stomach begin to roll as people began to jump/fall from the windows on the upper floors.


As reports slowly began coming in regarding the remaining planes still in the air, and those unaccounted for, they began to get reports of another attack on the pentagon. I think that is when it finally hit me that no one was safe anywhere. Real fear, panic and thoughts of what could possibly come next, began to fill my mind.


When the towers began to collapse and the smoke and debris covered the city, I could no longer remain on the edge of the couch. I was up and pacing the floor to relieve my anxiety. I remember the words that rushed into my mind, "Dead, dead, they're all dead. Thousands and thousands of people, all dead. They didn't have time to walk all those stairs." And then, the images on the screen turned to chaos. People running. People crying. People bleeding and gasping for air.

That's when I had to take my first break. I went outside onto the balcony and looked around. The sun was still shinning, the birds were still singing in my part of the world, except there were no planes in the air. The traffic on the streets was unusually light, almost like it was during the early AM hours. All of the usual morning joggers and dog walkers were strangely absent. Every thing was strangely still and quiet.

When I came back inside, Nick had begun to flip through the channels. I knew that he would find the same story on every channel, but he would periodically stop when he heard a piece of new information. It would be days before we could sort through how much of it was actually true, and how much was just fearful speculation. As he reached the higher numbered cable channels, where the specialty channels reside; places like HGTV, The History Channel, Court TV - they were all blank. Just blue screen with the channel's logo in the corner, and a simple one to two line statement, that said, in one way or another, that in light of current events, it seemed inappropriate to continue with normal life, or regular programing. A few channels, who couldn't find the words to express themselves, merely broadcast an American flag, waving in the breeze. Scanning through these various statements, it suddenly hit home just how much our world had changed in one morning.



I told him to go backwards, to where the local channels were located. I wanted to know how our city was responding to the events. Local channels were reporting that area city, state, and federal buildings were also being evacuated and closed as a precaution. News footage showed local police, fire departments, and army reserve troops blocking off and barricading the streets surrounding those buildings.

My thoughts switched to my children at the nearby elementary school. My instincts told me that they were safe, but my distrust of public education caused me concern. I remembered back to the space shuttle disaster, almost 16 years earlier. Many public school classrooms had wheeled in televisions so that the children could watch the historic space shuttle lift off. A flight that included several civilians, including a public school teacher. Instead, they were traumatised by witnessing the the horrifying explosion, and instant death of everyone aboard. With public schools deciding that it was their place to teach our children about everything from the theory of evolution to how to wear a condom, I worried if they would be ignorant enough to allow them to witness this historic event?

After CNN reported that the last, unaccounted for, air flight had crash landed in a field in Pennsylvania, and that there were no survivors, I needed to get out of the house for a while. I couldn't take anymore. I called my husband, who was at work, and arranged to meet him at a nearby gas station during his lunch break. I immediately regretted his choice of meeting place. The station where I was to meet him, as well as every gas station along the way, was packed with people who were filling up their gas tanks in anticipation of the inevitable response to the attack. I went inside to buy a pack of cigarettes, and listened to the frightened chatter of the other people waiting in line to pay. I remember an elderly man came walking in. He had obviously not turned on a T.V., or radio, all day. He cheerfully asked if they were having a sale on gas. The blunt and terrified response from the crowd of people nearly knocked him off his feet and back out the door.

I got my cigarettes and went to wait in the car. I turned on the radio to see if there was any new information. Every channel had suspended music play, and had a panel of various experts, most of which I had never heard of, discussing who could be responsible for such a horrible attack, and who we should kill in response.

Roy pulled up next to me in his work van about 1:30PM. I climbed into the seat next to him and we talked for a while. It was comforting just to see him and to talk about things that didn't involve death and disaster for a while. Eventually, he had to go back to work. I climbed down out of the cab and stood there holding the door open. I nervously asked him if he thought I should pick up the kids from school early. He said, "I think they're fine, but if it makes you feel better to have them at home with you, pick them up. Just don't make a big thing out of it."

As I drove back toward the house, I realised that, yes, I did want to have my children close by, just to be close to them. Before heading home, I took a three block detour and stopped by the school. I walked into the school office and signed them both out for the day - I told them that they had dentists' appointments that I had forgotten about. As I stood waiting for them to arrive from their class rooms, a reporter from a local news station arrived with a camera man following him. He walked up to the counter and asked the school Secretary if they had many children being picked up early by panicked parents? I couldn't resist waiting to hear her response. She must have been a card carrying member of the National Education Association because, she gazed at the reporter like he was a disgusting, new kind of bug. In her best mean teacher voice she said, "No." and turned away from him, and back to her work. I decided to wait for the kids in the hall. Seconds later, they followed me into the hall, and out the front door, grumbling about what a bitch she was.

By the time I got the kids home and sent outside to play, They were replaying the most graphic and frightening film footage, and gearing up for a presidential address. For the rest of the evening, I alternated between keeping the kids occupied, so that Roy could catch up with news and information he had missed while he was at work, and feeling like a total zombie.

I remember that in the weeks that followed, everything changed. People were suspicious and paranoid, and American flags appeared on almost every house. Another strange thing that I noticed: that year, at Halloween, there were no decorations on homes, and even stores down played the holiday. There was no mention of the missing holiday. It just seemed that everyone had had enough of death and scary things.

The Plan

Hi guys,

I'm okay, I'm just struggling with these pills. I know, I begged and bitched for the doctor to "just give me some freakin' pills"; then, I find out that the only thing that works, happens to be hormones! Sheesh, I'm walking around in tears over everything!!!! And the F'ed up thing is, I have a hundred and one really good reasons to cry every day! The hormones just make it way too easy to be a basket case.

So . . . here's the newest scoop around here. Nick is a mess. Um, well, that's not really "new", he's just finally crossed the line of excess, (again) and I have to do something. He came home this afternoon and had to be, literally, carried into the house. ( the result of 3 pints of Vodka.) Once we got him into bed, I noticed several needle tracks on his arm. (A result of last weekend's adventures, I later discovered) He has spent the remainder of the afternoon, and most of this evening, bawling his eyes out and threatening suicide. So, of course, I cried right along with him -why not? I know that he's just drunk and talking shit, but at least I had someone to cry with for a change.

Fortunately, I saw this coming. ( either mother's intuition, or I've spent way too many years dealing with drunks and drug addicts) I made some phone calls this afternoon, and I have a bed at detox that is waiting for him tomorrow morning. I also called the bail bondsman and found out how to have him picked up and escorted to jail - to detox the hard way - for about 8 months - just in case.

He was finally able to see the wisdom of detox versus jail. So tonight I am baby sitting a drunk - just to make sure that he doesn't change his mind and try to run ( I have possession of ALL the keys in the house) or do something stupid (or stupider) in the meantime.

Once I get the kids to school, and Nick dropped off at detox, I need to help Jennifer pack and send her back home to her mom. I had a chat with her mom this evening and it's all arranged - except for the tears - and I'm sure there will be plenty more of that. God, I HATE estrogen !!!! If all goes according to plan, I might be able to get a couple hours sleep before the kids get home from school.

Of course, he will have to go to court, and eventually serve his jail time, but if he can get a head start on his sobriety, and maybe get the wires removed from his jaws first, He might have a better chance of staying sober when he gets out. I know that there is very little I can do to help him overcome his addictions - He is the one that has to do it. But I know that recovery is possible, it can be done, so the very least I can give my son is hope. When push comes to shove, that's probably the only thing that I can offer him.

I've spent a large part of this evening listening to people who are very angry, and don't feel that Nick deserves any more "chances". There's a rather vocal group of people who are screaming for blood. They think that he should go directly to jail - do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. The truth is, he'll get there soon enough, they'll get their pound of flesh. They seem to forget that I am the one dealing with all the insanity first hand - I'm pretty damn pissed off too! But I'm also his mother. I don't have the luxury of responding to every emotion that I am assaulted with on a moment to moment basis. My life would be so much easier if I sent him to jail for 8-10 months. (I could use 8-10 months of peace and sanity in my house.) But unlike the courts and "other pissed off people", I have to think about the long term effects of that choice.

Locking him up for 8 -10 months, in his current state of mind, wouldn't result in recovery or rehabilitation. Not only do statistics prove that, but I know it to be true in my heart. Until he can own up to, and understand why he has to serve his time, he will only grow more sick in that environment. I know that sounds like an insanity defense, but isn't that what AA teaches addiction is? If he is locked up, without even the tiniest glimmer of hope, I might as well help him commit suicide.

Hell, I could sit here all night justifying my decisions to people who have no concept of addiction, or what it's like to spend time in our correctional system. The truth is, they don't care. I so envy their ignorance and point of perspective.

Okay, everything seems quiet downstairs. I think he is finally sleeping. I'm going to try and catch some sleep as well.

If you pray, pray for Nick and our family, please ?

Love to all,
Susan

Between a rock and a hard place

I'm having a meltdown today. I don't know if it's the dumb ass hormones that the Doctor gave me, or my blood sugar levels, or just being in an impossible situation created by people that have their heads up their asses. Either way, I'm taking a little break until I can focus and be normal. I will be back, hopefully soon. If my head doesn't explode in the meantime.

Love you all,
Susan

THIS is my life ?

I'd really like to say that today has been a better day. . . Of course, I can't seem to escape the fact that this is still my life, so a certain amount of craziness is to be expected.

First, I guess the good news. Around 2PM, my bleeding just suddenly decided to lighten up. Not cease mind you, but it's seems a lot more normal. At about the same time, the Doctor's nurse called to say that she has set an appointment for me to see the ob/gyn at 8AM Friday. In the mean time, I was told to go to the outpatient lab at the hospital, and have some blood work run so that the results would be available for the doctor tomorrow morning when she sees me. Hopefully, she'll look at all my tests, decide that it's just some kind of hormonal quirk, give me some pills, maybe an iron shot, and send me home to live happily ever after. Well, I can dream, can't I?

I haven't spent much time in bed today, but I haven't really accomplished anything productive either. I just feel totally wrung out. I probably would have taken more advantage of the bed rest order, if I hadn't woke this morning to find that Nick had decided to quit his job. Even more absurd, when Nick quit his job and came home, Jennifer decided to do the same !!! (I mean, she HAS worked two whole days at her new job - that seems to be the limit of her endurance) So the two of them spent the day hiding out down stairs, in their room. (Probably trying to avoid me and my anger.) They didn't come out until Roy and I went to the hospital. As we came home, they were just returning from walking the dogs. Nick tried his best to avoid me, but I got close enough to smell alcohol on his breath. For the rest of the day, they made a couple of mysterious, and unexplained trips out of the house, and immediately went directly back to hiding. All of this makes me very suspicious. The two of them are either plotting to skip out on his bond, or they are just too stupid to have any idea what to do. Which will of course, result in a huge mess. Nick has done nothing about his upcoming court date. He has yet to retain a lawyer, so far, he's spent all of his money on fixing Jennifer's car, and now, he has no future income at all. It certainly doesn't appear that they are able to hold up their end of their agreement.

I'm going to have to sit down with them and have a talk. Unfortunately, right now, I have other things to deal with. Jake's birthday is Monday, and he has planned to have several friends over tomorrow night for a sleep over, and then, a skate party on Saturday. Saturday night, I have my three year old grandson, spending the night. In addition, Heather's youth group has a pie sale scheduled for this weekend at the Old Settler's Days in town. ( Old Settler's is a yearly festival for Olathe.) Heather has volunteered to work shifts on all three days. In fact, I spent this evening supervising her as she baked six pies for it.

I really haven't time to deal with Nick and Jennifer's bullshit, or any of their dramas this weekend. If they do anything to screw things up, I won't have any other option, but to kill them both. In which case, I'd have to take time to clean up the mess, and to figure out how to dispose of their bodies, and THAT would really piss me off. ( Of course, I did just watch Sweeney Todd . . . and Heather's youth group IS having a pie sale . . . I wonder . . . Nah, I couldn't . . . or could I?)

You know what really pisses me off the most? I had one whole day that I could have spent in bed -without guilt. I should have had the whole house to myself. But noooo, Roy only had two jobs to do, and for some reason, he decided to put them off. Nick and Jennifer, both choose today to quit their jobs! So, instead of resting, I had to deal with a houseful of idiots who all need to have their asses kicked for being a bunch irresponsible morons. But you know, that's my life.

I need to get myself to bed, I have an early day tomorrow.

Good night.

Love,
Susan

This SUCKS

I'm not supposed to be out of bed, but I'm dying of boredom. The last three or four days have been rough. I'm totally exhausted, achy, and it feels like my left ovary is trying to burst out of my body. I am currently on week 4 of the period from hell. Unfortunately, it's showing no signs of letting up anytime soon - unless I bleed to death. Over the past couple of days, that's become a very real possibility. Roy has been on my ass to call the doctor for the past week. This morning, it got so bad, I finally caved in and called. I'm not too sure it was such a good idea.

Instead of giving me a pill, he sent me to the hospital to have a sonogram. They seem to think that I have an ovarian cyst that is hemorrhaging. I figured, 'okay, maybe now, he'll give me a pill to make it stop,' But noooo, he wants me to see an ob/gyn tomarrow, and in the meantime, I should "stay off my feet." Right, what freakin' world does HE live in?

I'm just feeling very frustrated and well . . .exhausted. I don't see why he can't just give me the damn pill ! I KNOW that have a pill that will stop the bleeding, they're just holding out on me. It'll be much easier to figure out what's wrong after I feel better. Damn doctors.

I'm going back to bed . . .grumble, grumble, grumble!

Contrast

Wanna play a guessing game? What do you think this is a photo of? Give up?

Well, since yesterday was the unofficial last day of summer, (officially, Autumn begins on the 22nd of this month.) I was assessing what I have to show for a season of sun. The bronze image on the right, is a close up of my forearm. The pale, almost florescent white shape on the left, is my shin.

Yup, my legs are so white, they almost literally, glow in the dark. The phrase 'alabaster skinned,' doesn't even begin to describe how white I am. In spite of that, I am really quite pleased with the results on my upper limbs. And, all this was accomplished without even trying, or even a single sun burn. (at least, not this year.) Just two to three hours a day of dog walking, and an occasional afternoon of gardening.

Of course, I have to admit, my legs have not seen the light of day since . . . Oh gosh, I don't think I've worn a pair of shorts since . . . uh, 1990? At this point in my life, I don't even own a pair. I'm not ashamed of my legs, they're really one of my best features. They maybe short, (I'm only 5 foot, 2 inches tall - or 24.40 cm) but they're trim, well muscled, and very solid. Every now and then, I'll show them off in a dress, but only with a pair of pantyhose to add some color.

Anyway, I was rubbing some moisturizer on my legs before bed, and had to giggle at the contrast in color. Everyone else is asleep, and I just had to share with someone.

Sleep tight.

Love,

Susan

Some restrictions apply

This morning, my sweet husband woke early, read my blog, and realising how much getting a new headboard/foot board for our bed meant to me, he drove to The Salvation Army store early to make sure that my happiness was accomplished. When he got there, he found a line outside the store almost a block long! Fortunately, they were just opening the doors and he rushed inside to snatch the tag for my headboard. He rushed to the register, and as he stood in line to pay, the store manager made the following announcement:


"Any item dated August 8th, or later, is NOT included in our Labor Day Sale. Only items dated August 8th, or before, will be reduced 75%."


Roy looked down at the tag and saw the date listed as August 15th. When he reached the cashier, she verified that his item was NOT included in the 75% sale. After a few choice words, he left empty handed, and came home to give me the sad news. Later that morning, I found the flier that I picked up on Friday night. The text is exactly the same as the three over sized posters plastered to the store windows.


How can a store use the word "ALL" six times in reference to a sale, and then, wait until after the sale begins, to state such an absurd restriction ? I am pissed ! Roy is pissed, and I'm guessing that a lot of other people, who waited in line this morning, are pissed too. It's just so WRONG.

Roy told me that if he'd had $50.00 on his pocket, he would have bought it for me anyway. I'm glad that he didn't. I told him that if I was going to spend $50.00, or more, on a headboard, I'll go to Nebraska Furniture Mart and buy something really nice. Besides, screw them - I was in no mood to make a donation to the Salvation Army after they pulled a dirty trick like that.

So, instead of putting the finishing touches on my bed, I spent the day cleaning Jake and Heather's bed rooms. I figured since I was already feeling pissed off and frustrated, I might as well go with that theme for the day. Surprisingly, Jake and Heather's rooms really weren't as bad as they could have been after a long weekend. So, at the end of the day, I find myself feeling a reasonable degree of accomplishment, satisfaction, and a fair dose of relief at having that chore out of the way.


I'm really hoping that this will turn out to be a better week. If all goes as planned, Roy, Nick, and Jennifer, will start back to work tomorrow. Heather will go back to school, and we'll just have to wait and see how Jake feels in the morning. Poor baby, he has been sick all day, and running a slight fever. Fortunately, Jake really enjoys school and I can trust him to go if he feels up to it. And if he doesn't, He won't be a problem to have at home - he's a good guy.


Oh, Mel - I got a call from C. yesterday ! Apparently, he is still alive and kickin'. He's been staying busy getting his new shop off the ground, and all the "usual stuff."


Anyway, I need to get myself off to bed. Hope you all have a great week !


Love ya,
Susan