I'm okay, I'm just struggling with these pills. I know, I begged and bitched for the doctor to "just give me some freakin' pills"; then, I find out that the only thing that works, happens to be hormones! Sheesh, I'm walking around in tears over everything!!!! And the F'ed up thing is, I have a hundred and one really good reasons to cry every day! The hormones just make it way too easy to be a basket case.
So . . . here's the newest scoop around here. Nick is a mess. Um, well, that's not really "new", he's just finally crossed the line of excess, (again) and I have to do something. He came home this afternoon and had to be, literally, carried into the house. ( the result of 3 pints of Vodka.) Once we got him into bed, I noticed several needle tracks on his arm. (A result of last weekend's adventures, I later discovered) He has spent the remainder of the afternoon, and most of this evening, bawling his eyes out and threatening suicide. So, of course, I cried right along with him -why not? I know that he's just drunk and talking shit, but at least I had someone to cry with for a change.
Fortunately, I saw this coming. ( either mother's intuition, or I've spent way too many years dealing with drunks and drug addicts) I made some phone calls this afternoon, and I have a bed at detox that is waiting for him tomorrow morning. I also called the bail bondsman and found out how to have him picked up and escorted to jail - to detox the hard way - for about 8 months - just in case.
He was finally able to see the wisdom of detox versus jail. So tonight I am baby sitting a drunk - just to make sure that he doesn't change his mind and try to run ( I have possession of ALL the keys in the house) or do something stupid (or stupider) in the meantime.
Once I get the kids to school, and Nick dropped off at detox, I need to help Jennifer pack and send her back home to her mom. I had a chat with her mom this evening and it's all arranged - except for the tears - and I'm sure there will be plenty more of that. God, I HATE estrogen !!!! If all goes according to plan, I might be able to get a couple hours sleep before the kids get home from school.
Of course, he will have to go to court, and eventually serve his jail time, but if he can get a head start on his sobriety, and maybe get the wires removed from his jaws first, He might have a better chance of staying sober when he gets out. I know that there is very little I can do to help him overcome his addictions - He is the one that has to do it. But I know that recovery is possible, it can be done, so the very least I can give my son is hope. When push comes to shove, that's probably the only thing that I can offer him.
I've spent a large part of this evening listening to people who are very angry, and don't feel that Nick deserves any more "chances". There's a rather vocal group of people who are screaming for blood. They think that he should go directly to jail - do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. The truth is, he'll get there soon enough, they'll get their pound of flesh. They seem to forget that I am the one dealing with all the insanity first hand - I'm pretty damn pissed off too! But I'm also his mother. I don't have the luxury of responding to every emotion that I am assaulted with on a moment to moment basis. My life would be so much easier if I sent him to jail for 8-10 months. (I could use 8-10 months of peace and sanity in my house.) But unlike the courts and "other pissed off people", I have to think about the long term effects of that choice.
Locking him up for 8 -10 months, in his current state of mind, wouldn't result in recovery or rehabilitation. Not only do statistics prove that, but I know it to be true in my heart. Until he can own up to, and understand why he has to serve his time, he will only grow more sick in that environment. I know that sounds like an insanity defense, but isn't that what AA teaches addiction is? If he is locked up, without even the tiniest glimmer of hope, I might as well help him commit suicide.
Hell, I could sit here all night justifying my decisions to people who have no concept of addiction, or what it's like to spend time in our correctional system. The truth is, they don't care. I so envy their ignorance and point of perspective.
Okay, everything seems quiet downstairs. I think he is finally sleeping. I'm going to try and catch some sleep as well.
If you pray, pray for Nick and our family, please ?
Love to all,
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Posted by Auburn~haired~artist at Tuesday, September 09, 2008