Every day that we live . . .

brings us one day closer to death. But on days like today, I can actually feel it happening!

URGH ! I've managed to stay one step ahead of my spring allergies all season - until today. I wanted to believe that because I was hit so hard with respiratory illness this past winter, I might escape my usual seasonal allergies. But it seems that everywhere I go, people are struggling; even people who don't normally have issues with allergies have been sniffling, sneezing, and coughing. And . . . it would appear, that I am just not that special after all. I kind of suspect that after such a miserable winter, we were just a little to eager for spring to arrive. As soon as the mercury started to climb, we threw open the doors and windows. (even sleeping with the bedroom windows open on warmer nights) I think it was just too much too soon. Now I'm finding myself back on that roller coaster of feeling crappy. You know the one - Wake up, take meds, lay back down until you feel human again, try to accomplish an hour or two of useful, productive existence before the meds wear off . . . repeat the whole process every four hours until you fall into bed, completely exhausted.
Oh well, at least I'm not alone. Today, it seems that everyone is feeling the same way. Nobody wants to do anything.

What really sucks for me, is that all this couldn't have happened at a worse time. Earlier this week, I had made a personal commitment getting myself healthier. I feel like over the past year or so I've gained more weight than I'm comfortable with; my energy level has dropped dramatically, and I'm just not ready to feel as old as I am. I know it's a little late for a mid-life crisis, but I'm haven't been on time for anything since I became a mother. Of course, I'm not going to let a bout of seasonal allergies halt my plans; It's just hard to work up much enthusiasm for self discipline when I feel like death warmed over. (My natural tendency is to seek comfort and procrastination when I'm sick.)

Instead, I've decided that until I feel better, I can keep myself motivated by mapping out my plan of attack. Yesterday, I spent almost three hours on the phone with insurance companies and medical suppliers trying to replace my old glucose tester with one that actually works. ( I had become so lax in testing my blood sugar levels that the batteries in my old glucometer died of neglect) I'm also in the process of planning out a healthy diet for May, and a schedule for daily exercise with my dogs. Walking my dogs and planning a monthly menu are things that I normally do, it's just that lately, they have been geared more towards personal convenience and are subject to change based on everyone else's needs and desires. That's a lot of crap. I'm tired of being at the bottom of the priority list. From now on, they can work their schedule around mine; and if they don't like eating what I buy or cook - they can make their own. I still have a few other items on my personal wish list for feeling better, but they are going to require more resources than I currently have available at the moment. (One step at a time.) In the meantime, It's obvious that if I don't take care of me, no one else will.

It's been a beautiful day . . .

In fact, so lovely that I just let the day take me where it would. After my morning Diet Coke, I followed the dogs out the back door and onto the deck. As I watched them play I felt the sun warming my skin. It wasn't until they all went running to the fence to bark at a passing jogger, that I suddenly realised I was still in my nightie. :0 I decided that until I was dressed, maybe I should limit my wanderings to inside the house. As I headed up stairs to put on something uh . . . more appropriate, I noticed that all my potted plants were looking exceptionally sad.

Actually, they looked more than sad, they looked pitiful. Every winter they are horribly neglected and by spring, they're starved for "real" sun light and fresh water. My poor plants spend 6 months out of every year surviving on florescent light, and as much as I hate to admit it, very spotty care. For some reason, when I bring my plants inside - when they are right under my nose, day after day - I do well to water them once every six weeks. I don't know if I'm resentful of the precious space they occupy in my already cramped house; or if it's just that I loathe the endless toting of the watering can, to and from the sink, up and down the stairs, and the frustrating sound of water dripping from over filled pots onto table tops and carpets.
But when they're outside, where they belong, they have my complete and doting attention. I make it a point to check on them daily, make sure that they have plenty of water, and the right amount of sun and wind protection . I've been known to spend hours, standing in the heat of the summer, clearing away dead leaves and repotting.
I don't know why, but when they are outside, they somehow seem more beautiful and precious to me. When they're all gathered together on my back deck, they become my garden - my special place to relax and enjoy their beauty. And as a result, I'm much more apt to care for them.
When they are inside - they're just a pain in my ass.

Anyway, I had planned to spend today continuing my work on my home haunt. Instead, I spent most of the day transporting my 50+ potted plants to the back yard, and arranging them into a pleasing grouping where they will all receive whatever they need to thrive and be happy. Then, I spent the rest of the day reconfiguring my house. I've long since forgotten what my house looked like without walls of greenery, so I had to figure out how to fill in the gaps. The whole process was an all day event, but I think that I can honestly say that my plants are in a better place now - and so am I.

Digging my way out.

Okay, I know that I've been away for a while. Things around here have been non stop B.U.S.Y. At first, I think it was a bit overwhelming; but now, I think I've got my second wind and I'm doing my best to stay a few steps ahead. Okay . . . maybe that's an exaggeration, but I've got a mental plan and I'm feeling a bit more optimistic about things.

Of course, it's hard not to think and feel optimistically when spring is in the process of blooming. I don't know about the rest of the blog world, but here in Kansas, the weather has been lovely. The daffodils and hyacinths have begun blooming, and most of the trees have reached a mature bud stage. This morning, we had our first actual thunderstorm of the season. (thunder boomers and everything!) Afterwards, the streets and sidewalks were littered with all the protective bud coverings that had been shaken loose; allowing the tiny leaves to begin unfurling their greens. As usual, the red buds, dogwoods, tulips trees, and decorative hedges started their show of colors last week; but I'm just now venturing out to see them.

Normally, my allergies prevent me from enjoying this time of year; but I struggled so much this past winter, maybe I'm going to catch a break this spring? All I know, is that poor Jake seems to have come down with a double dose of allergies this past week. He's been so miserable that I took him to the doctor today. With all the medicine that we came home with, something has to work.

My hubby has also been struggling with some medication issues lately that have been seriously disrupting his sleep patterns. I've finally got him scheduled to talk with the doctor on Monday. I'm hopeful that if we can get him straightened out, things will start to turn around for us.

On Monday, Nick started serving his time (60 days) on some charges from almost 2 years ago. Normally, a situation like that might cast a shadow over every one's optimism; but in reality, having this hanging over his head has been holding him back from making a fresh start in a new direction. Sort of keeping him in limbo. Instead, everyone (including Nick) has chosen to see this as a first step towards a new life and possibilities. I think that with a new wife and daughter in his life - he just might be able to make it happen this time.

So . . . for a lot of reasons, I've been feeling more hopeful and optimistic recently. I've been trying to keep myself busy with moving forward - in whatever ways that I can. When I run up against a "big boulder" of a road block, I just start chipping away at the smaller, looser, stones surrounding it until that big "boulder" can be pushed aside. Or at least, that's my plan. So far, I haven't had a shortage of smaller issues to deal with. So technically, I think I'm making progress; slowly digging myself out, even though it doesn't always seem that way.

Well, I need to get myself to bed. I've got a lot of going on tomorrow. A lot of little stones to kick out of my way - sometimes it seems that they just keep multiplying - but until I can clear away a hole big enough to wiggle through, I've got nothing better to do with my time.

I think I'm losing my mind . . .

I've just grown so weary of all the inconsistencies and lack of stability in my life. Roy has yet to find work and seems to have made a career out of collecting and selling scrap metal. (using our family car as a transport) It's not the sort of activity that can support a family, it barely covers the costs of gas, cigarettes, and milk on a daily basis. The constant chaos of our lack of daily routine is exhausting.

Once again . . .

It's the wee hours of the morning and I should be sleeping; but since (Wednesday) was my 20th wedding anniversary, I should probably post something for posterity before my it all slips away into the cavernous abyss that is my mind.

~Well, let's see, first of all, I was awakened at 8:45AM by my daughter and her girl friends who had spent the previous night, (ALL night) giggling and making loud, inappropriate noises, informing me that they needed to be to an appointment by 9AM. Riiiight. Needless to say, they were late.
~I return home with the intention of going back to bed until they call to be picked up; instead, I end up straightening the house and get some work done on one of my Halloween props.
Finished up just in time to pick them up and watch THEM return to bed.
~About that time, my husband returned home with a (much needed) case of Diet Coke for me and a bouquet of daisies and carnations. (the flowers that we used at our wedding.)
~While hubby disappears to take care of a few errands, I slip off to my room for a 45 minute nap with my dawgs.
~I wake up just as Nick and Jennifer are coming home, and they inform me that they have arranged to have our cable T.V. connected tomorrow! (that was my only request for my anniversary.) We have been surviving on a steady diet of DVDs for almost a year now, and I've really been missing some of my favorite shows. (Dog Whisperer, and all the paranormal and ghost hunter shows.)
~I piddle around until my Roy comes home and I find out that he has an interview scheduled for this evening - so we won't be going out for dinner after all. (Really, not a big deal.)
~I wake the girls and start dinner. (a lovely, quick fix meal of chicken wraps and fries.) I get everyone fed, (or at least everyone who wants to eat) before they all dash out the door to their various social engagements. The kids go to the park; Roy, to his interview; and Nick, Jenn, and baby, to a meeting.
~I suddenly find myself with the house to myself - that doesn't happen very often! So what do I do? I gorge myself on leftover chicken fries and watch "Did you hear about the Morgans" on DVD.
~Everyone is safely home by 9PM and my hubby informs me that we are going out, for at least a few hours, alone - just to escape for a while.
~ I know that you're wondering where we went, and what we did, Right? Well, here's the best part. We went to this small cemetery in Gardner, KS., turned out the headlights, and just talked. I know, for most people that doesn't sound like much fun, but my hubby knows how much I love graveyards, and he has never taken me to one at night. (because he's a scaredy-cat) * Sorry, no ghosts to report - just a lovely night in a creepy old graveyard with my hubby :)

All in all, it was a good day - a lovely 20th anniversary. So, if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I'm catching up on my T.V. shows. And by the way, Roy got the job, except it's just a part time thing - but it's a start.

All righty, I really have to get to bed. Roy and I have an appointment in the morning - which I will probably sleep through.

Good night.

I'm so bad . . .

for neglecting my blog. And you know, I really have no excuse. Well, at least not a believable one. I'm sure that I must have been very busy, I just have no idea what I've done. Let me think a minute . . .

Okay, I spent Monday night out with my kids. That was fun, but very exhausting. Both Jake and Heather desperately needed some new clothes, so I gave them both an allowance and played chauffeur for their little shopping spree. Money has been so tight lately, that it really didn't take much to lift their spirits. I have to say that it was absolutely worth it to see them so excited.

As I mentioned before, Tuesday was my interview. I think it went well. Although, it sounds like they aren't in much of a hurry to fill the position. (a couple of weeks) It's a two Dr. practice and I met with the younger (newest) doctor. Over the course of the interview he mentioned that his mother was a big fan of the last optical shop that I managed. He said that she "adored the optician that worked there." I told him that since I was the manager and sole optician for the first two years of it's operation, that would probably be me. Hopefully, I'll get called back for a second interview with the senior optometrist some time next week.

Yesterday was grocery day - always exhausting. I usually try to get a whole months worth done at once, but there just wasn't time, so it looks like I may have to finish up this weekend. (not looking forward to that.)

Today, I've tried to catch up on house work. Uh, that hasn't worked out so well. I don't know why, but my body just isn't responding to this beautiful spring-like weather today. It might have some thing to do with the fact, that now that the snow has finally melted, my house has become an island in an ocean of mud. I just can't keep up with all the little paw prints. Not to mention, in spite of last weekend's spring clean up of the garage and front yard, I've discovered another full load of crap in the back yard! (Of course, it would help if my husband would quit bringing home junk.) UGH!

All I know is that I am done - tomorrow is another day. I'm ready to go soak in a hot tub, and curl up in bed with a good book. In fact, that's my plan.

Good night.

I'm SUPPOSED to be . . .

looking for a job.  You know, reponsible and productive use of my computer time?   But I have to tell ya, I'm sick and tired of scrolling through Internet job listings, tired of posting my resume and composing bullshit cover letters, at this point, I could care less.  I have an interview on Tuesday, and for now, that seems almost overwhelming.  

It's been a busy weekend here at the asylum; and yet, I don't feel like I've accomplished much.   I've spent most of my time trying to corral my husband into doing a few things that need to be done - things he promised he'd do.  Things that are still not completely done.   My husband, the great procrastinator!

In addition to corraling my husband, I've been busy corraling dogs and kids as well.  Both Jake and Heather had guests this weekend; and my oldest daughter, Jasmin, went out of town and needed a puppy sitter at the last minute.  Her dog, Jackson, is Spunky's litter mate.   He gets along pretty well with the other dogs, but I think that maybe, he gets along a little TOO well with Spunky.  The two of them have been tearing around my house all weekend like a couple of lunatics.  They're both little guys, so they don't cause any of the usual damage that my bigger dogs have been known to cause; but my gosh, just watching them exhausts me! They have so much energy, they can play all. day. long!  They're like a couple of energizer bunnies! 

Jasmin had been wanting to get Jackson neutered, and I was telling her about the clinic that we took Pete to. . .  I don't know how it happened, but somehow, we ended up volunteering to take him and get him fixed for her.  Roy took him this morning, and he came home this afternoon.  Poor little guy is exhausted !   I've been keeping him in his crate this evening so that he can recover a bit, but Spunky does not like this arrangement.  He keeps dancing around outside his crate, whimpering and doing his little play bow, and he just can't figure out why his little brother wants to sleep instead of play. Me thinks, Spunky will find out how he feels very soon - he's next in line to get fixed.  Anyway, Jackson is finally starting to perk up a bit.  He's eating and keeping everything down, and he just barked at Midnight for getting too close to his food.

*Sigh*  Well, I have to go put together a reminder list of things that my hubby needs to get done before he leaves in the morning.   Otherwise, he'll just walk out the door, and leave me to deal with it.

Good night all.