Put a fork in me - I'm DONE.

Hey there,



I'm back. I've been away for a few days. Are you ready for the next installment of the comedic- tragic-drama that is sometimes called, my life? God knows, I wasn't, but I don't seem to have much of a say about these things.



Here's the scoop. Monday night, I'm sitting here at home relaxing, and my cell phone rings. The caller ID shows that it's my oldest son, Nick. Thinking, Gosh, I haven't heard from Nick all weekend. I wonder what he's up to ? (silly me - I should have known better) I answer the phone, and I'm surprised to find that it isn't my son.

Instead, a voice says, "Is this Nick's Mom?"

As you know, ever since Nick was three years old, I feel a certain sense of impending doom whenever I hear someone ask me that question, and I'm never really 100% certain what the correct answer should be. I had already determined that the voice didn't sound any thing like a police officer , so I said, "Uh . . .Nick's mom? Yeah, that's me."

"This is Josh, Nick's room mate." He says,

"We've got sort of a situation, I thought you should know about. Uh, my girlfriend just took Nick to the hospital. Nick sort of got into an argument with a friend of mine this evening . . . And well . . . we're pretty sure that his jaw is broke. I thought you might want to know."

They had taken him to the hospital emergency room right down the street from their apartment, which is about 10 miles from my house. I told him that I was on my way, woke up my husband, and told him briefly where I was off to in the middle of the night.
As I walked across the parking lot towards the E.R. entry, I noticed that Josh and his girlfriend were standing outside waiting for me. He smiled apologetically, and handed me Nick's wallet and snagged my arm. He gave me a serious look and said, "uh . . . it's really bad." then, he walked away. At the time, I was just a little too distracted to realise how strange his behavior was.

The second the automatic door slid open, I could hear my son, screaming garbled obscenities and moaning through tears. He was sitting in a wheel chair only a few feet from the door. His girlfriend, Jennifer was kneeling down on the floor in front of him, holding a bucket full of blood, and trying to soothe him. As I walked up behind him, I saw what looked like burns all over his shoulder and chest, but when he turned and looked up at me, I realised that the pink color all over him was blood stains that had been hastily wiped away. The left side of his jaw was swelled to the size of a cantaloupe and twisted and misshapen. His mouth was covered with blood that was freely flowing into the plastic pan in his lap. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm sorry, Mom."
I looked at Jennifer and said, "What the Hell is he doing sitting here in the hall?!"
"They say that they can't see him for FOUR hours!!" she said helplessly.
I turned towards the reception desk that was a mere three steps away. The receptionist was dealing with a woman who was complaining of chest pain. " I thought chest pain was supposed to be a priority ! I've been here over an hour!!"
I knew that trying to talk to her would be a waste of time. I turned back to Jennifer and said,
"Get him loaded up int the car, we're going to the hospital in Olathe."
As soon as Nick stood up and walked towards the reception desk, I noticed, from the corner of my eye, that the security guard, who had been calmly sitting in his little glass booth, suddenly stood up. I spun around and gave him a maternal death glare, and he sat back down. The two of us helped Nick out the door, across the parking lot, and into the car. On the way to Olathe, I got most of the story from Jennifer. Jennifer had been driving a friend home when it happened, but she got the story from Josh's girlfriend who took Nick to the hospital.

Josh had invited a friend over to the apartment, and the drinking ensued. Over the course of the evening, they both got obnoxious and mouthy. Nick, who is 5' 6'' and 130 pounds, started calling Josh's friend some very unpleasant names. Josh's friend, who is 6'5" and easily twice Nick's weight, told Nick to stop, or he'd get punched. Nick may be small, but when he drinks, he has no fear and even less brains. So of course, Nick looked him in the eye and repeated his comments. Before Nick knew what had happened, he was on the floor screaming in pain. Just one punch. In spite of the pain, Nick was as drunk as I had ever seen him, ranting and raving, all the way to the hospital.

I called Roy and asked him to meet us there because, it was obvious that Nick would be hard to handle. However, when we got to Olathe, they took him to a room right way and left Jennifer and I to do the paper work. When we finished, we asked to go back and see Nick, but they told us to wait until he was settled in. About 30 minutes later, a nurse came back and said that he was going to x-ray and it would be about 45 minutes before we could go back and see him. She also said that he was asking for pain medication, but that they couldn't give him anything because, he was too intoxicated. I knew that this news probably upset Nick, but since we didn't hear any of his screaming and ranting, we assumed that he was content just to have someone doing something to help. Instead of sitting and waiting, we told the nurse that we were going to pick up Jennifer's car at the other hospital and be right back. (Roy had gone home to be with Jake and Heather.)

We were only gone 25 minutes, but when we returned, Nick was standing outside, surrounded by a security guard and four police men. Apparently, while we were gone, Nick went psycho, and started screaming for morphine, cursing up a storm, and spitting blood all over the floor. They kicked him out of the emergency room, and called an ambulance to transfer him back to the hospital that we had just left !!! All the while I was talking to the policeman, Nick was doing his best to be verbally abusive to them. When they finally got fed up with him, and threatened to take him to jail, broken jaw and all, he finally settled down a bit. When the ambulance arrived, Nick refused to go and insisted that Jennifer and I drive him. So, for the sake of sanity, Jennifer left her car (again), we loaded him into my car, and drove him back to the 1st hospital,; while an Olathe police officer followed us!!

When we arrived, they took Nick directly to an exam room, while two police men stood outside the door, in case he got out of hand again. I guess he had worn himself out because, he fell asleep waiting for the doctor. They finally got him x-rayed. When the doctor saw the damage - He explained that he would require surgery. They gave him three shots of morphine before they sent him to a room. The sun was just coming up as Nick finally settled down to sleep. However, they could do nothing for the bleeding in his mouth. Jennifer and I took turns dumping the bucket of blood that he kept coughing up, changing the pillow cases that he slept on, and keeping him from trying to drink anything.

At 2PM on Tuesday, the doctor came in and explained that his jaw was broken in two places, both on the right, and the left side. The left side was the worst. It was totally broken and severely displaced - the worst he had ever seen. The right side was broken, but still in place. Nick had taken a huge bite out of the inside of his left cheek, and that was the source of all the blood. He was able to schedule him for surgery at 5PM, so that he could stitch up his mouth, remove a wisdom tooth that was cracked, and then, set his jaw, and wire his mouth shut.

24 hours after that single punch, Nick was out of surgery, and in his hospital room, with his mouth wired shut. And it will stay that way for the next 6 to 8 weeks, if he behaves himself.
Before I left to go home and sleep, Nick asked if he could come home to my house for a few days. After being up for more than 36 hours, I was too tired to ask questions, I just said sure.

He was released from the hospital at noon on Wednesday, and that's when I discovered, that Jennifer goes everywhere that Nick goes ! (apparently, Jennifer decided NOT to go home last week as planned.) So I spent most of Wednesday tracking down a pharmacy where I could buy all his pain meds and antibiotics, in liquid form, for less than the price of gold ! His meds only cost about 20 dollars, in pill form; but in liquid form, they are 150 dollars !!! It's insane !
This afternoon, I took him to see the doctor for a post-op check, and more x-rays. ( I can hardly wait to see the bill on this one. The little drunken spill off the balcony that he took 2 weeks ago ended up costing almost $2000.oo in E.R. charges!)

Anyway, Nick is doing amazingly well with his new "grill", so he and Jennifer decided that they could handle things at home, on their own, this evening. My house is finally quiet tonight. Of course, it's a wreck, I have to reschedule three appointments that had to be cancelled over the last few days, and I don't even want to think about all the other people and jobs that have been neglected. To be honest, all I can think about is, if this last adventure has finally gotten through to Nick. Is he going to go right back to his old lifestyle when he gets home? He says that he's done with drinking and drugs, but I've heard that before. His doctor knew, without being told, that he had a drug and alcohol problem because, he had such an unusually high tolerance to the pain killers. He warned him not to drink while his jaw is wired shut - if he vomits, he could easily choke to death; but before he left the hospital, they gave him a pair of scissors that he is supposed to carry with him at all times, in case an emergency arises and he has to cut the wires. None of that is the sort of thing that I want to think about.


God, I don't want to think about any of that right now. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I have a doctors appointment, Jake has an appointment to get his haircut, and Heather and I have a Midnight book release party to go to. But before I can do any of that, I have to clean the blood out of the inside of my car. If I get pulled over by the police, they are going to want to know who I killed! Right now, It's late, and I just want to go to bed and sleep. Sorry that this is such a long post, but it's been a LONG three days. Good night.

Love,
Susan

I don't have to Justify SHIT, to anyone

Okay, so blogging about this might not be such a good idea. If it turns out to bite me in the ass, well, it wouldn't be the first time. Bottom line, this is MY freakin' blog, and this is what has been rolling around in my head lately. Besides, according to my Google Analytics, nobody reads the damn thing anyway, which is mostly just fine with me. I don't mean to sound pissy, but I am feeling just a tad bit resentful.



Actually, I'm a little miffed because, yesterday, I mentioned to Jasmin (my oldest daughter) that I had plans to go back to school this fall. I really shouldn't have been surprised by her response. I love Jasmin with all my heart, and I am very proud of her, but we don't always see eye to eye about a lot of things. Jasmin's always been a very strong, independent, opinionated, and often confrontational, kind of person. I think that sometimes she forgets that her opinions are exactly that - opinions - and NOT indisputable fact. I was really hoping that as my daughter, and a woman, that she'd be a little more supportive. Instead, she made it clear that she was very disappointed with my decision, and she proceeded to tell me exactly what I needed to do with my life. According to her, I should get a job - any job - make my OWN money, and stash it away just in case my husband doesn't live up to my expectations. (or maybe, she meant her expectations?). Possible employment options included: Walmart cashier, retail sales clerk, or warehouse worker. She then, went on to argue all of my reasons, and to point out all of the pitiful and disastrous results of my past choices. In short, she made it crushingly clear, that her opinion of my life and choices thus far, is that I'm a total loser, a complete failure, a spineless victim, and a complete disgrace to all women and mothers, everywhere.

I suppose that I should have tried harder to defend myself, to point out that not everyone measures success and happiness according to her standards and values, but the underlying tone of her response caught me completely off guard. Which I'm sure, in her mind, only validated her statements. Maybe, that's what upset me the most? The fact that I felt a need to justify my life, to my own daughter.

Part of me was screaming, ' Take her down a notch ! Tell her what a disrespectful, ungrateful little child she's being ! Remind her that she wasn't born with all that glorious independence and confidence that is radiating from her; remind her that it was a gift, purchased by your sacrifice!'
But another part of me, said, ' No, she's going through a rough time right now, she's struggling with her marriage, and a teenage son. She doesn't want to hear that you are at a different place in your life, she doesn't understand.'

So . . . I let her have her say, and I bit my tongue. Since then, I've been struggling with feeling a little hurt, a little angry, and maybe a little sad. I've gone over, in my mind, all of the points that I could have made; I could have questioned her about some of her choices, and the results of them, but at what cost to our relationship? I've even considered that her statements might have a certain truth and wisdom to them. But it really doesn't change anything. Good, bad, or indifferent, this is my life.

I guess the scariest part is, that I felt the same way about my mother's life when I was 30 years old. I always thought my mother's choices had been weak and lame. I couldn't understand why, now that her children were grown, she didn't just go out there and demand all the things that she had compromised for the sake of her children. I didn't fully comprehend that as mothers, we sometimes unknowingly, give away certain parts of ourselves to our children, and it changes who we are, and what we want from life. In a way, our hopes and dreams are recycled, and hopefully, refined. It's very strange to be in the middle here, looking forward through my daughter's eyes, and looking back, and trying to understand and appreciate my own mother.

Oh Lord, thinking like this makes me feel old, but in a lot of ways, it gives me strength and reassurance. I guess as individuals, we are all pretty screwed up. We all have our flaws, and our choices are what they are. For the most part, we do the best we can with what we have to work with. At least, I'd like to believe that. There is no point in getting pissed off about our differences, eventually, it all comes back around, and you have to wonder what the hell you were thinking, when you said and did all that stupid shit.

Enough !

Hey there,

Ah, another Friday night, another week survived. Looking back, this has been kind of a crappy week, I'm actually glad that it's over. With the exception of Wednesday, when I went to the doctor, I somehow managed to accomplish . . . absolutely nothing. For the most part, it's been a lot of useless drama.

Sunday, My husband and I were supposed to go to the Dinner Theater for an afternoon show. Even though we were going with a lot of other people, it was supposed to be a time for Roy and I to be together as a couple. Instead, Roy wanted to do an all night fishing trip with Nick the night before, so I ended up going with Jasmin. It really wouldn't have been a big deal except, as I've mentioned before, Roy and Nick together, just isn't a good idea. I hate being right. All those years of sobriety, all those years of struggle that came before, are being forgotten. It's been that way ever since Nick turned 21. To be honest, Nick has to learn every thing the hard way, so his behavior isn't much of a surprise; but Roy, he's old enough to know better, he's just being stupid. I am NOT going down that road again, not with Roy, it's bad enough dealing with Nick's stupidity. I spent all of Monday and Tuesday making that clear to him. He says, that he gets it but, talk is cheap, he's going to have to prove it.

Of course Wednesday was all about dealing with Doctors, lab tests and setting appointments. Thursday is when Nick and his "girl friend" decided to upset everyone. As of this evening, Jennifer is supposed to go back home to her parents house, so I am praying that all that craziness is over and done.

This afternoon, Heather and I had an appointment so go see Jasmin to get our hair done. That was supposed to be a "girls thing," but 15 minutes before we left, Nick called. He needed to be picked up from work, and he wanted to go with us to have Jas give him a haircut too. I told him that we were planning on having cuts and color done to our hair, and we would be at Jasmin's for at least 3 hours, but he insisted on going with us. He was bored, cranky, and bitchy the whole time, so it really wasn't much fun. I really hate seeing how much drinking has changed him. Nick used to be so positive and happy. Now, all he does is complain and sulk. It's just becoming so obvious that he has a lot of anger and resentments that he needs to deal with. There are times when I feel like I don't even know who this person is. But there isn't much I can do until he decides that he's sick of it.

Anyway, we got through it, and Jas did a great job with our hair, but it feels like it's been a horribly long day, and I'm exhausted. I've felt that way all week. I think that I'd have more energy, if I had cleaned the house top to bottom, and worked my ass off. It's the stress, the emotions, and the constant drama that kicks my ass.

I've had enough for one week. I'm going to go to bed and sleep until I wake up - hopefully, next week will be better. Good night.

Love,
Susan

48 Things About Me

1. I am not the least bit athletic, I have absolutely zero interest in sports.
2. That being said, I do, however, love the great outdoors. I just want to relax and enjoy it, and not have to do anything structured. I have enough structure in my home life.
3. I love dogs and wolves. (sort of obvious, huh?) I currently have five dogs, and I would probably have more, if I lived in the country and didn't have to deal with neighbors and city codes.
4. I love to create with my hands, drawing and painting mostly, but I do other things like origami and various crafts.
5. I am a horror junkie. I love scary books and movies. Right now, I'm very into the Twilight book series by Stephenie Meyer. Sort of a teen-vampire-romance thing.
6. I had a stroke when I was 36 years old that affected the entire right side of my body. I have regained use of everything, except for minor nerve damage in three of my fingertips.
7. During the past 19 years of marriage, we have moved over 25 times.
8. I'm sort of an organization freak. (probably the result of so many moves.)
9. At 46 years old, I am just now learning how to relax and love people for who they are - warts and all - myself included.
10. I have three brothers, who I don't feel especially close to, and I don't really have a problem with that.
11. My idea of success, is for all of my four children to be happy with themselves and their lives.
12. I don't like to take naps - waking up is such a pain in the ass, that I don't think anyone should have to do it more than once a day.
13. I prefer small groups to large crowds.
14. I love the smell of coffee, but I refuse to drink it.
15. My favorite colors are earth tones - shades of green, brown, and blue.
16. I have never owned a house, or a new car.
17. I'm a spender, not a saver
18. When I was young, it was my dream to be a fashion designer, but at some point along the way, I decided that fashion wasn't so important. In fact, sometimes it's down right ridiculous.
19. I have a weakness for homemade cookies and cakes.
20. My favorite perfume is Opium by YSL, but rubbing a bit of sandalwood oil on my skin after a shower makes me feel very exotic and sexy.
21. I love to grow things. At any given time, I have over 50 potted plants that I care for year round.
22. I love antiques and anything made of real wood.
23. I was never afraid of heights until I lived in the Colorado mountains, and had to drive on mountain roads.
24. I love music, but I have no rhythm and I am completely tone deaf.
25. I never learned to swim. In fact, it disturbs me to have water splashed on my face. Even in the shower, I keep a hand towel nearby for drying off my face.
26. None of my children are "normal", or typical, and I sometimes question their sanity, but I truly adore them all; and I'd rather be with my husband and kids than anyone else on earth.
27. My favorite holiday is Halloween. I tend to go a little overboard decorating and making it a magical and special night for my kids and the whole neighborhood. (which the neighborhood doesn't always appreciate)
28. I am completely lost without my wrist watch.
29. Whenever I'm out in public, and I get bored, I start looking at people and try to imagine what they looked like as children.
30. Some of the best conversations I have ever had were with my dogs.
31. The longer that I am married to my husband, the more I suspect that he might be a cartoon. (He can put an entire chicken leg in his mouth and pull out nothing but bone. When he rolls over in bed, he literally bounces his body off the mattress, flips in mid-air, and lands on the other side, without waking up.)
32. I love to wander through and explore really old cemeteries. I like to imagine what kind of lives that the people under the tombstones lived. I feel very comforted and at peace there.
33. When I feel hurt and angry, I can be very cruel and cutting with my words; later, I feel horrible, so I do my best to not let anger get a grip on me.
34. I've never met Kate's Ex, but I don't like him either.
35. Some day, I'd like to visit the castles and cathedrals of Europe.
36. I desperately want to buy new living room furniture for my house.
37. My house has caught fire not once, but twice.
38. When I was a child, I used to go to bed at night and pray that I wouldn't wake up.
39. I like to make up silly songs about my dogs. For example:
"I'm a little Princess, short and stout.
Here are my paws, and here is my snout.
When I get excited hear me yip,
Peter, go away or you'll get bit."
* My dogs don't seem especially impressed by my cleverness.
40. I am not very good at being pregnant, ( I always have complications) But damn, I make some beautiful babies!
41. I don't like to drive, and I have a fear of being in a car wreck. Anytime that I have to drive more than 10 or 15 miles, I say a prayer for God's protection.
42. Before I was married, I mostly dated older, married men - I'm not especially proud of that.
43. Before I got married, I worked as an optician for 12 years.
44. I believe that snakes are vile, evil creatures.
45. If I knew then, what I know now, about genetics, I would have been A LOT more selective about the men I slept with when I was younger.
46. I think that being a grown up is highly over rated.
47. If I could change anything about my past, I would never have started smoking.
48. When they did aptitude testing in school, I ranked in the 98th percentile in vocabulary and space relations; my lowest score was math.

A random observation on life with an addict

Alcohol and drug addicts are like little terrorist suicide bombers. They're out there, running around with bombs strapped to their bodies, screaming insane, delusional gibberish; thinking that they alone, are the only ones who understand the mysteries and horrors of the universe.
In reality, they are just self-focused individuals, who are so tangled up in their own pain and unhappiness, that they can't comprehend the legacy of destruction and chaos they leave behind.

Doctors and Family Dramas

Okay, I'm back. The last couple of days have been pretty busy. I finally ran out of excuses for not going to the doctor's office for my yearly check up. (sigh) Unfortunately, my doctor has a talent for turning one appointment into several. So I just decided to get a bunch of appointments out of the way all at once. Monday, was check up and lab work. Tuesday, was have your boobs squooshed in an mammography machine day; (or whatever they're called.) Also, a visit to the pharmacy to get 6 prescriptions filled. (because the Doc changed everything around - again)Friday, I'm going to see Jasmin and get my hair done. Next Wednesday is the optometrist, and Friday, is Pap smear day. (whoo-hoo!) If I can work the Dentist in there somewhere, I'll be done for the whole year !!! I just want to get this crap over with. I'm already sick of being poked, and jabbed, being asked to recount my entire medical history, not to mention all the insurance paperwork.

Now, on to the really interesting stuff. The latest Asylum scandal. Big surprise, it involves my oldest son. The whole thing is just so crazy and complicated, try to keep up, okay?
Alright, I have to give a little background for this, pay attention.

As you know, my house has ALWAYS been the hang-out spot for teens, it started 15 years ago, when Jasmin was a teenager. Jasmin was a bit of a wild child, so we decided early on, that the best way to keep an eye on her, and know who she was hanging out with, was to have the kids at our house. We got to know a lot of really great kids. One of them was Shawn, who became the father of my grandson, Christian. (what can I say? You can't watch them ALL the time!) Anyway, Shawn is a great guy, and our family has a great relationship with him. Also Jake and Christian have grown up together, (Christian is only 11 months older than Jake) and they're good friends. So, we often attend family get togethers at Shawn's house.

Earlier this month, Shawn had a huge 4th of July Party at his house. We went, and Nick came too. Over the course of the evening, Nick happened to catch the eye of Shawn's 18 year old niece, Jennifer. (Shawn's-sister's-daughter.) They exchanged numbers, and started seeing each other. Jennifer is a really nice girl. (she doesn't drink and she doesn't use drugs) However, she tends to be a bit obsessive when it comes to relationships, and she is absolutely crazy about Nick. Nick is well aware that he is an alcoholic/addict, and as much as he wants a relationship, he's really not ready for one at this point in his life. If Nick had a reasonable amount of clean and sober time under his belt, it might be different; but right now, his drinking is out of control. He likes Jennifer, and he says that he has explained this to her. But Jennifer is young, idealistic, and she thinks that she's in love. She thinks that she's going to "save" him, and she has no idea what a mess she's getting into.
Needless to say, this has a lot of people concerned - her parents especially. Even though they are not "technically" related, and they are both "technically" adults, it's still kind of a sticky situation. Our family, Shawn's family, and Jasmin's family, have always managed to maintain a good relationship, and no one wants to see that change. Hell, Shawn has known Nick since he was 6 years old, he taught him how to skateboard.
When I last saw Nick, on Monday, he told me that he thought he had finally made it clear to Jennifer that they were NOT "a couple" and they should just be "friends." ( even though I'm sure it's too late to just be friends) This made me feel a little better because, Jennifer's parents had finally become concerned enough to call Shawn and get the facts on Nick's history, and ask him to talk with Jennifer. That was on Monday. This morning, Nick called his dad to tell him that Jennifer was moving in with him and his room mate. (two bedroom apartment) Apparently, Jennifer's parent's gave her an ultimatum about dating Nick, and she called their bluff. Everyone is freaking out. Jasmin went to talk with Nick and Jennifer this evening. Nick, of course, was too smashed to reason with, so that was a big waste of time; and Shawn, who is a U.S.Marine, has plans to pay Nick a visit tomorrow. Oh God, what a mess. I'm just waiting for Jennifer's parents to call me.

Wouldn't it be nice, if kids magically grew up when they turned 18? Well, it's late and I need to get some sleep. I'm sure there's more to come as this drama unfolds. Good night all, say a prayer for me. (that my head doesn't explode)

Love,
Susan

Excuses

I really am going to write another post. I'm not in a deep, dark depression, I haven't killed my husband, (yet) and nothing bad has happened to me, so stop worrying. Right now, I have to get off my ass and go walk the dogs. I woke up early so that I could do exactly that, but the kids were sleeping, and I had the computer all to myself, so I've wasted the last hour and an half in front of this screen instead. I'll be back tonight.

Love,
Susan