Hey there !
Well, It's 1:30 AM and I'm just hanging out here. The house is finally quiet and I can think, but who the hell wants to do that at 1:30 AM ? I think I'd rather just ramble.
The past couple of weeks have been kind of . . . .well, kind of sucky. Finances have been tight, and my hubby has been feeling stressed and depressed, which is understandable. It sucks when the lack of money stops you from doing things that you want to do, or things that you need to do. It's just that men take the whole thing so personally. I know that men are wired to see themselves as providers, and that they see their income as some kind of sign of success or failure as a man, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I don't mean to be insensitive to his feelings, or minimizing the importance of years and years of male evolution, or any of that. I just have an attitude when it comes to money.
I dislike money. I dislike money the way that Christopher dislikes political debates. I dislike it the way Mel dislikes dieting. I realise that it's necessary, just like politics and dieting, I just have resentments about the whole issue.
Wanna peek inside my warped psyche ? If not, better stop reading now. You've been warned. Okay, here's what I think, Of course, It goes back to my dysfunctional childhood. Doesn't everything ? (and I think that we are ALL so dysfunctional, that we should just eliminate the word, so we can all quit boo-hooing about everything.) Anyway, here's the scoop. My mom raised four kids (alone) during the mid '60's , and into the '70's. Back then, a woman being the sole bread winner, and head of the household was even more difficult than it was now; So I am definitely not blaming my mom for anything, I'm just explaining the situation. My mom started working for a car dealership doing office work to support us kids. She didn't make very much money, but she worked her way up to office manager, because she either had a knack for dealing with money and numbers, or having four kids to support was an incentive to learn it pretty damn quickly. My mom is a (very conservative) financial whiz. She is probably the only person in America who could work a minimum wage job, support a family, and actually SAVE money !
Anyway, my mom has never been a terribly emotional person -not her fault, that's just the way she is. However, the one thing that could (and still can) always bring out an emotional response, was money. The lack of money could bring out horrible fear and anxiety, or a sudden wind fall could make her to be uncharacteristically happy. For example, no one, with half a brain, goes near my mother on pay day. That's when she pays bills, and she is NEVER happy about that. (even though she has more money tucked away than she will ever admit to.) Conversely, the first time that I remember my mother getting excited enough to actually hug me, was when we found out that the hospital was going to settle for only what the insurance company would cover for Nick's birth and delivery. Which meant that they were going to "forgive" a couple thousand in hospital bills. She was so happy, she almost cried.
I guess that being the only girl, with three brothers, I think that I was a little resentful that she couldn't spare any of those emotional responses for me. Of course, my brothers always thought that I was just some kind of ungrateful, emotionally needy "GIRL." I guess that from a "BOY'S" perspective, she was perfect. To this day, whenever my family gets together for a meal, ALL meal time conversation revolves around cars, work, and money. Hence, if you put food in front of me, I don't talk - I eat.
No, that's not entirely true, the actual topic of "money" was never really discussed in our house. In spite of all my mother's financial knowledge, "money" is a very private thing. I have no doubt that my mother would endure endless torture before she EVER revealed how much money she makes, or how much she actually has. As a result, she never really taught any of us how to manage money. Not only would such a discussion be considered "impolite", but I think since it was second nature to her, she assumed that it should be instinctual for her children. WRONG !! Besides, she was always too busy making it, to actually talk about it.
I don't want to sound like I'm blaming my mother. I love my mother very much, I always have. Here's the screwed up part - It's not my mom's fault - it's money's fault. I've always viewed money the same way that I view drugs, or alcohol. I refuse to allow ANYTHING to have that much control over my life and happiness. I can't blame my mom for not being everything that I wanted, but I can try to learn from her mistakes. She wasn't a very nurturing person, so I do my best to be that for my kids. (and anyone else's kids that happen to wander into my life . . . . or stray dogs, occasionally a cat . . . .) Maybe, I take the whole money thing too far, that's probably why I don't ever have very much of it. I know that my attitude is childish and immature. In this world, hating money is like cutting off your nose to spite your face - unless your a monk or something. Hell, let's face it, I'm a mess.
Okay, enough rambling. My mother brain washed me well enough that this whole post, and all this talk about money, is making me feel creepy, and dirty, and ookie. I don't think that ookie is an actual word, I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't fly on a scrabble board. Anyway, it's late, and I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.
Good night all.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Hey there !
Posted by Auburn~haired~artist at Friday, February 22, 2008