Monday, February 4, 2008

Sunday Visit

Hey there,

Well, I went to visit Nick today. I'm not sure what to think of his present frame of mind. He's not being hostile or aggitated, just . . .I don't know, depressed? Of course, that's understandable. There's more to it than just depression though. He has kind of resigned himself to the fact that he can't keep playing the same games with God and the people in his life.

Usually, when he is in jail - it's so pathetic that he has been there so many times that he has developed "normal Jail behavior"- but normally, to get through the time, he draws close to God and it gives him strength in difficult times. But now - this time - he just feels so much like a hypocrit that he said he's having a hard time opening his Bible or praying. Part of me thinks, 'Oh no ! He's lost hope !! If he losses hope, he'll quit trying, and the addiction will win out !!' But there is this calmer voice inside me that says, 'No, he's right. He can't expect God to do this for him, God gives us freedom to choose, and Nick has to choose.' I don't think that he has lost hope. It's more like he is finally owning up to his actions, and that there are consequences for them. Maybe, this could be a turning point?

I know that Nick has a strong spiritual foundation, and I don't think that he is rejecting it; I think he might just be growing up a little bit. Sometimes, in a relationship, even a good one, there's a point where in order reach the next level, you have to put in some work on yourself - otherwise, you're stuck. God isn't some kind of cosmic janitor that walks around behind him with a big push broom, cleaning up his messes. I think, maybe, Nick is on the verge of realising that he has to look inside himself and hold himself accountable. for his choices and actions. When he's ready to make the committment, God will be waiting for him.

Does that make sense ? Maybe, I'm just tired of the whole situation and I'm open to anything new? Especially something that won't suck me dry. I really am tired . . . weary of the whole thing. Takes alot of energy to keep encouraging, and hoping in someone that keeps doing the same things over and over. Still, every ounce of my being refuses to give up fighting for the people that I love. That probably doesn't make alot of sense either, huh ?

Well, it's late, I need to get myself to bed, enough introspection.
Good night

3 howled back:

Mel said...

Hey you! That post read with amazing power...God isn't a cosmic janitor, that's an awesome statement and packs a punch with me.

I'm sorry you are weary and I can imagine sometimes you carry the whole world on your shoulders and it must just be so heavy.

I read that post and I think Nick IS turning a point. When you start to look at a situation differently and you behave a different way, then that is progress. It's change..he's thinking and he is reflecting and feeling like a hypocrite is a 'good thing' (I think) because it means he's putting more of the onus on himself.
But poor Nick, having a powerful addiction is such a crappy thing for any person to suffer with. I know it's so much more than physical addiction but that part of it would surely be hell, let alone the emotional addiction to it.

So as always, all I can do is tell you You are one of the most inspiring people I have ever known and send you and your family lots of support and care.

Love mel x

christopherc said...

If you want my opinion... (otherwise stop here!) ...

We each are given the strength to bear and undergo the tests laid upon us. While we have the free will to make choices that have consequences; those consequences often are measured and metered out to benefit a greater good that is found beyond the horizon of our human visage.

Might the horizon yield a dawn of bright colors and hope that will catapult our understanding of the current setting better. Until that time may peace and love be upon your heart and heaped upon your head.

With love and admiration,

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Someone, I believe it may have been Saint Augustine, wrote something like this:

I dug myself into a deep hole and found I could not climb out. I reach my arms to the sky and cried out to God. But God did not respond. I continued to reach and to cry. God did not respond. Finally I dropped my arms to my side and looked sadly at the hole I had dug myself into. And God reached down and lifted me gently from the hole.