Well, I went to visit Nick today. I'm not sure what to think of his present frame of mind. He's not being hostile or aggitated, just . . .I don't know, depressed? Of course, that's understandable. There's more to it than just depression though. He has kind of resigned himself to the fact that he can't keep playing the same games with God and the people in his life.
Usually, when he is in jail - it's so pathetic that he has been there so many times that he has developed "normal Jail behavior"- but normally, to get through the time, he draws close to God and it gives him strength in difficult times. But now - this time - he just feels so much like a hypocrit that he said he's having a hard time opening his Bible or praying. Part of me thinks, 'Oh no ! He's lost hope !! If he losses hope, he'll quit trying, and the addiction will win out !!' But there is this calmer voice inside me that says, 'No, he's right. He can't expect God to do this for him, God gives us freedom to choose, and Nick has to choose.' I don't think that he has lost hope. It's more like he is finally owning up to his actions, and that there are consequences for them. Maybe, this could be a turning point?
I know that Nick has a strong spiritual foundation, and I don't think that he is rejecting it; I think he might just be growing up a little bit. Sometimes, in a relationship, even a good one, there's a point where in order reach the next level, you have to put in some work on yourself - otherwise, you're stuck. God isn't some kind of cosmic janitor that walks around behind him with a big push broom, cleaning up his messes. I think, maybe, Nick is on the verge of realising that he has to look inside himself and hold himself accountable. for his choices and actions. When he's ready to make the committment, God will be waiting for him.
Does that make sense ? Maybe, I'm just tired of the whole situation and I'm open to anything new? Especially something that won't suck me dry. I really am tired . . . weary of the whole thing. Takes alot of energy to keep encouraging, and hoping in someone that keeps doing the same things over and over. Still, every ounce of my being refuses to give up fighting for the people that I love. That probably doesn't make alot of sense either, huh ?
Well, it's late, I need to get myself to bed, enough introspection.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Posted by Auburn~haired~artist at Monday, February 04, 2008