My first broken heart

I've been indulging myself again. Not with food, or shopping sprees, or even those blissful moments of solitude in a steaming tub of fragrant bath oils. Nope, I've been right here, at my computer desk, chasing down my teenage heart throb. Not many people outside my family know about such silly secrets, but I'll share them with you.


Once upon a time, at the tender age of 9 1/2 years old, I watched a television show called: Three Dog Night's Rockin' New Year aboard the Queen Mary. As I watched Three Dog Night sing their #1 single for the year 1971 - Joy to the World, I fell completely and hopelessly in love with one of the lead singers of the group, Chuck Negron. He was, without a doubt, going to be my future husband. The minute that I laid eyes on him, I KNEW this to be true. From that moment on, my every thought revolved around him. I began collecting all of the Three Dog Night albums (12 in all), gathering every tiny bit of information that I could find about him, and the group, and committing it all to memory. I was certain that when I became Mrs. Chuck Negron, all of this would be invaluable information.

Later, during my 7th grade year, my two BFFs fell in love with the other two lead singers, (Danny Hutton and Cory Wells) and became my co-conspirators in romantic fantasy. My world was complete. Not only would I eventually have the most glamorous and envied life of any girl, but my two best friends would share it with me ! What more could I ask for?


For almost a year my friends and I lived in our dreamland, just waiting for the day that Three Dog Night came to town and swept us away with them. Of course, the waiting wasn't easy. My brothers laughed, mocked, and ridiculed our dreams. More than once, my mother tried to calmly and rationally explain why I couldn't possibly be in love with a Rock star, 20 years my senior, who I had never met. But, It didn't matter what anyone said, or thought. It was simply a truer love than they could comprehend - it was destiny ! (Chuck, Danny, and Cory would realise this - as soon as they met us.)


After years of waiting and planning, my love for Chuck had finally reached perfection, and the fates arranged for Three Dog Night to play in my town. It was perfect, a Friday night, at an outdoor concert - we would meet, and fall in love under the stars. *SIGH*


My girl friends and I had less than a month to plan. We would have to shop for new outfits, buy new make up, choose the right perfume, have out hair and nails done to perfection. Everything had to be perfect for the night that we would meet our soul mates - our destiny. And of course, we had to buy our concert tickets and get permission from our moms.

I went to my mom to give her the happy news. Without even looking up from her news paper, my mother said, "I'm sorry, but you can't go. The whole family will be in Arizona the week of the concert, visiting my brother and his family."

I couldn't believe it!! I was devastated. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, there was no way of getting out of it, or making other arrangements so that I could go. Even worse, my other two friends weren't allowed to go either - some crap about 14 year old girls being too young to go to a rock concert by themselves.

That was my first broken heart. I cried every night until we got on the plane for Arizona. I spoke very little the entire trip. When we got home, I couldn't listen to my albums any more, it made me too sad. A year later, in 1975, Three Dog Night broke up. Shortly after that, my girlfriends moved away and we lost touch. I have no idea what finally happened to all my albums and my scrap book filled with information and all our plans. Eventually, life went on, but it was never really the same, never as magical, or as dream filled, as I remember it used to be.

About a year ago, I stumbled upon a book in the library called Three Dog Nightmare. It's an auto biography written by Chuck Negron. (who is now, 65 years old) For the first few chapters, he chronicled his childhood and the early years of Three Dog Night, much of which I knew by heart. Then, he began to write about what was happening to his life behind the scenes. That in his teen years, he started getting high on cough syrup, and then he moved on alcohol, pot and and other drugs. By the time they filmed Three Dog Night's Rockin' New Year s Eve aboard the Queen Mary, he was a hard core Heroin addict. By the time that they played in Kansas City, the day my heart was broken, his whole life was about heroin. Not long after the band's break up, he was penniless, had sold all of his gold albums for drug money, and was living on the street. He did eventually turn his life around, and formed a rehab support group for musicians addicted to drugs. It's a very sad and shocking story. When I finished the book, I realised that if I had met him, I never would have even liked him, much less loved him.

Only a few weeks after I read his book, I was channel surfing and happened upon a show called Intervention. It's a reality show about families that do intervention for family members and friends that are worst case drug addicts and alcoholics - sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Chuck Negron and his ex-wife were doing an intervention for his son Chuck Jr., who is also a heroin addict. In his case, the intervention failed, and his son is now serving time in prison. Very, very sad.

Chuck has gone back to singing solo, but mostly at small engagements like community fairs and festivals. In fact, the inspiration for this blog came about, because last night, while I was playing around on You tube, I came upon clip of Chuck Negron preforming here in Olathe for our annual Labor Day festival, Bull Whacker Days. Only 6 months ago, in September 2008, He was singing less that 3 miles from my house, and I had no idea. I remember that my kids really tried to get me to go to the festival, but I refused. Thirty years ago, I would have traded my soul just to be that close to him.

Honestly and truly, I have no idea what the moral of this story is. Maybe, it's pointless ? If you figure it out, I'd love to know.

Strangely, that is what has been floating around in my mind lately.


Good night all,
Love,
Susan

Give me a break.

Hey there,

Another Sunday night. I have no idea what happens to the weekends. Why do they just zip right by me? I decided to take a day off from my spring cleaning. (I know, I barely got started !) I think I just needed a day to relax and unwind a bit. So after my shower this morning, I ran a comb through my hair, threw on my overalls and a long sleeved Henley shirt, and called it good enough. That's right, Au natural.

I've spent most of the day puttering around the kitchen. Thankfully, my sugar cravings seem to have run their course, and I'm feeling a lot less anxious and frantic. I made a pot roast with lots of multi -colored veggies, and settled for chilled, unsweetened, pineapple for desert. (Instead of the cheesecake that I made for everyone else.)

After dinner, Jake and I went to go visit my mom. Nick had sent a letter for her that I needed to deliver. Mom has been playing around with her new printer that she got for Christmas, and she wanted to show off some photos of my niece's new baby that she printed off.

Afterwards, we stopped by Jasmin's house, to pick up Jake's skateboard that he left there, and to see Jasmin's new cat. She is a lovely white cat with beautiful green eyes, named Blanca. Jasmin went to Dallas, Texas last week with some friends for a marketing thingy, and she brought me back a really cool shirt, and a turquoise crucifix. I just LOVE presents !!!

For the past 6 days, Jake has been stuck in the house (except for school) and I think he needed to get out almost as much as I did. He chattered away as he raided Grandma's candy dish, and he had a few minutes to spend with Christian at Jasmin's house. He's supposed to be grounded until Tuesday, but I cut him some slack this evening. When we got the Internet back on, I found an email from his World History teacher, and he has managed to bring his grade up to an acceptable level. I figure that even a pyro needs to be rewarded for good deeds.

We got home around 10 PM, and everyone toddled off to bed by 10:15. So it's just me, the dogs, and the computer. As I'm typing this, I'm having a late night snack of baby carrot sticks that I'm sharing with the dogs. I can't believe that Peter is so spoiled, he refuses to eat carrots without ranch dip !!! That's just pathetic. I'm really pissed off at Princess. She has been such a bitch lately. The other day, Pete was trying to get her to play, and she bit him on the end of his tender little nose !! (she actually drew blood and left a scar !) Apparently, she's doing her best to live up to her name. Just a minute ago, she insisted that I give her a carrot stick, even though she doesn't like them. She took her carrot off and is guarding it ! She won't eat it, but she won't let any of the big dogs near it either ! So I took it from her - HA ! I don't know what I am going to do with this miniature Bully. I have never tolerated food aggression, or any type of violence with my dogs. She has always been "The instigator" of the group, but I just can't believe that this tiny little demon thinks she can push around four dogs, that are four times her size !! That's a lot of crap, I'm not gonna let her get away with that ! (creepy little mutt!)

Well, it's late, I'm going to get myself off to bed.

Have a great week everyone !

Love,
Susan

Spring Cleaning

Hey there !





Well, I have officially started my Spring cleaning today. In spite of the fact that it doesn't feel much like spring. Today has been cold, windy, and if you can believe it, we actually got some fairly heavy snowfall this morning ! Of course, it's just barely cold enough for snow, and it all melted the moment it hit the ground. It's just that looking out the window this morning felt so . . . defeating. I was about to get all pouty and insolent about the situation; but then, I looked over at my 13 year old son, who is spending his weekend being grounded, and I thought better of it. Stamping my feet, and throwing a temper tantrum worthy of a 5 year old, probably wouldn't be the best example to set for him. So, instead, I decided to put that energy to use cleaning. Although, doing spring cleaning is really just my way of being rebellious - as if I could defy mother nature by refusing to acknowledge it.


Normally, I would start at the top of the house and work my way down. However, Since Jake has the attic bedroom, I decided to skip his room, and move to the next level, which is the master bedroom. (Doing Jake and Heather's room is an all day thing that requires lots of patience - I wasn't quite feeling that rebellious.) I give the master bedroom a weekly dusting and vacuuming that I usually only takes about 30 minutes, but today, I spent almost 4 hours doing a thorough cleaning. (moving furniture, etc.) By the time I was done, the snow had stopped, and I had managed to put my frustration and energy to good use. Final results are below. (you can click on the photos to enlarge)

I had just finished up when Roy came home and decided to take a nap. He kicked his shoes off onto the floor, threw his hat on the night stand, emptied all the random change, screws, and wire nuts from his pockets all over the tables, Threw his work shirt in the general direction of the laundry hamper, and pulled the blankets over his head, and then . . . the dogs attacked him. Needless to say, the room didn't stay looking like this for long. I knew that when I took the photos, documentation might come in handy. Tomorrow, I'll tackle the next room, and by the time I'm done with that, I doubt I'll be able to recognise the bedroom. Oh well, that's the story of my life - one step forward, two steps backwards.

I know . . . you're probably wondering: How does she stand all the excitement, and why can't my life be as thrilling as hers? Well, you know, I've always been kind of "special. "

Unfortunately, this has been the extent of my reckless and stimulating day. Of course, you have to realise, that this is just the first step of my evil plan to manipulate the weather. For each of the next 7 days, I will spring clean a new room. By the time that I finish cleaning the garage, I'll be able to throw the door open, and the sun will be shinning, and the air will be fresh and warm, and VOILA ! Spring will have arrived ! A new season wouldn't DARE hide from me after I have invested a full week of spring cleaning ! Am I clever, or what?! Once I have fully mastered control of the seasons, the next step is, naturally, world domination !!! But don't worry, I'll remember my friends. Everyone else, is in serious trouble.

Well, it's getting late, and I should probably get myself off to bed. So much to plan, so many details, so much to do !

Love y'all,

Susan

Asylum Update

I'm so happy to be back on line !

I was so bored and lonely without all of you guys. And you know, I worry about you as well. So, in celebration of getting my Internet, phone and cable back, I made one of my favorite meals. Or at least it was my favorite this evening. Lately, I've been craving an Italian sausage sandwich. (no smart ass responses from the peanut gallery, please.) It was yummy. So now I sit here, with a happy heart, and a happy tummy, and all is right with my world.

Gosh, I wish I had some exciting news for you, but really nothing is terribly new around here. Just the same old things. Lots of kids in and out, Things have picked up a bit for Roy at work, but he's still underfoot more than I'd like.

The weather is warming up - in between thunderstorms - and I have been out with my dogs as much as possible. I am up to walking anywhere from 4 to 7 miles a day with them. I'm sure it would have some positive effect, if I could lay off the snack cakes and junk food. I'm hoping that now that I have all my other creature comforts, I won't be so obsessed with filling myself with comfort food to relieve the boredom and stress. My mind keeps drifting to thoughts of planting things and watching them grow, but then, I remember that we had hoped to move this summer. And planting a bunch of stuff seems like a waste of time and energy. At this point, I'm not sure what we will do if the finances don't improve. I really don't object to staying here, I really love being so close to the parks, walking trails, and schools. It will be hard to find another place with those things. I just wish things weren't so uncertain, then I could make plans. I'm really into making plans - maybe too much ?

I've been doing alot of reading. I have read all three of the Twilight Series books. Now, all I have to do is wait until August 2nd for book 4 to be released ! I'm really not very good at pacing myself, when it comes to reading. I tend to gobble a book up in one sitting . I've also read a couple of new (Dean Koontz) books that Nick had sitting on his shelf.

Several years ago, when Nick was in juvenile corrections , Nick wrote a letter to Mr. Koontz, telling him how much he appreciated and admired his writing. I was absolutely floored, when he PERSONALLY sent a handwritten reply of encouragement to him, along with a personalised, autographed copy of one of his non-fiction books on writing, and a subscription to his newsletter !! I was VERY impressed, not many best selling authors will take the time to do that for a teenager. Because he and I are both Golden Retriever lovers, I always suspected that he was a genuinely nice person, but this made me like him even more. Since then, Nick and I have pretty much read everything he has written. (which is alot!)

Speaking of Nick, He got farmed out again, back to where he was before, and he is a trustee there. He called Thursday night, and he's doing great. As a trustee, he can stay busy and that keeps him from losing his mind and helps time pass quickly. He should be home by the 28th of this month - just a few short weeks. He's a little nervous about that, but he has been working on a new plan to change his whole life, starting with his social life and friends, and taking things slow. I think that will be a step in the right direction, but he has never been a very patient person. He wants results, and he wants them NOW.

Ummm . . . What else is new? I'm afraid there's not alot. Jake has started hanging out with a new friend that is questionable. He seems to be a bit of a mad scientist/pyromaniac. Jake is currently grounded for creating some "pyrotechnics" using various substances from the shelf in the garage that is clearly marked: KEEP OUT! So, I guess that I am going to have to clear out that cupboard this weekend, and figure out how and where, the city will allow me to dispose of hazardous substances and aerosol sprays and such. What a pain in the butt, but I really should have done it long ago. Since Jake is grounded, maybe I'll have him help me, and we can discuss all the ways that he could have killed, maimed, and injured, himself and others ? I really hate being a hard ass, but he's kind of cute, I'd like to keep him around for a while longer.

I sort of miss my youngest daughter today. Since we got the Internet turned back on, she has been sucked into the computer ALL day. I don't know how she does it. I've spent alot more time today on the computer than usual, (sorting through weeks worth of emails, and catching up with everyone) and I'm about to go cross-eyed! Over the past few weeks, she did a really wonderful job of finding good ways to stay busy, and some new interests, and surprisingly, not alot of complaints. I'm hoping that she will become a bit more balanced about things, other wise . . . you know, I'll have to be a hard ass again. *sigh* Sometimes, I wish Roy were a little meaner, he's just too easy going.

Well, Like I said, I've just about fried my brain on this contraption today. I think My fingers are ready for a rest. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend !

Good night.
Love and prayers to all,
Susan

The next three posts ...

The next three Posts were written while I was MIA. Mostly they are just long, rambling lists of complaints and observations of my boring old life without my internet or friends, or T.V., or telephone - Ugh ! the whole thing was so tramatic - I hope that I don't need thereapy as a result! Anyway, I just thopught I'd throw them out there. Jake will be home from school soon and he'll throw me off the computer, no doubt. But I will post tonight and finish getting caught up with everyone.

Love you guys,
Susan


Monday Misery Monday, April 7th, 2008
(too many voices in my head)

I'm writting this on Word and hopefully, someday,
I'll be able to post it on my blog. I miss my internet,
my blogs, and my blog friends especially, so much.
Right now, I really need my blog and my friends. I
woke up this morning with something that I need to
work through. Maybe, something that I need to own
up to ? Unfortunately, typing it on Word, knowing
that there is no one to share it with, no one out
there who will give me honest feed back and support,
makes the whole exercise seem kind of futile. O well,
just another shinning example of the self- destructive,
self defeating fantasy world that I've created for
myself. *Sigh - Really BIG sigh*

Have you ever awoke, opened your eyes to a fresh
new day, filled with sheer panic and raw fear resulting
from the knowlege that you are OLD; and your life is
quickly racing to an abrupt and pointless end ?
No ? Well, just wait - You will.
I'm having one of those mornings. It could be
because I ran out of anti-depressants 6 days ago,
and I haven't got a telephone to call the Doctor/Dealer
and beg for more samples. Or, it could be because it's
an actual fact, and my brain is just now drug free
enough to allow such thoughts to float to the surface
and scare the hell out of me. Or, it could be the result
of the massive amounts of raspberry Zingers and
chocolate Ho-Hos that I shoved into my body last
night and early this morning. (DAMN the Hostess
snack cake makers ! I hope they all burn in Hell !)

I guess it really doesn't matter what the reason is,
Pandora's box has been opened, and I have to figure
out a way to clean up the mess. To be honest, the real
issue isn't that I am 45 years old, which is just a heart
beat away from 50 !!! (Dear God!!)
The real issue that I'm struggling with is, what I
have been doing to my rapidly, and not so gracefully
aging body; and the consequences that really are
inevitable if I continue with this behavior. To say
that 'I have to get my shit together', would be
the ultimate understatement of ALL time.

You all know that I kind of, half heartedly and
jokingly, struggle with keeping my weight out of
the Guiness Book of World Records for morbid
obesity; all the while, attempting to eat, bake, and
sneak as much sugar as humanly possible. Well. . .
as horrible as all that sounds, my day - to - day
behavior is actually worse.

For example: Last night, I bought a box of (10)
Hostess chocolate Ho-Hos, and a box of (12)
Hostess Raspberry Zingers. (I'm sorry Christopher,
try not to gag at the mediocrity of my desert choices - I
really am very sick person.) Anyway, in less than 12 hours,
I managed to eat all but 5 zingers, and 4 Ho-Hos. And
here is the sick part. I ate 2 of them in front of my
family- as they frowned at me, 7 of them - after everyone
was in bed asleep, and the other 4 - during the night. And
you know what else? If my husband or children ask me
what happened to all the snack cakes, I will lie like a dog !
Any sane person would have puked their guts up by now.
Not me, I have a death wish, apparently. In fact, the
phrase: "passive suicide" is not unheard of in the dark,
cavernous regions of my mind.

So, okay, I am a diabetic with a sugar addiction. Not
exactly breaking news, since most people develop Type
II diabetes as a result of eating too much sugar and poor
diet. Maybe, I have some kind of closet eating disorder.
Considering the fact that the whole world is out of control,
to the point that addictions and disorders have almost
become fashionable, none of this is exactly earth shaking
information either.
What has me disturbed, more than anything else this
morning, is my sudden realization that I seem to have
been in denial about the fact that I am on an almost
certain path of self destruction.
That, is really NOT okay.

There seems to be a part of me that isn't taking any
of this very seriously. I used to do such a good job
of watching what I eat, and I was constantly trying
to do better things for my health. As a result, I really
do have alot of good information stored in my brain.
And I know what I should be doing, so there really is
no excuse for me, or my behavior.
I know that alot of it is just simple human apathy.
As time goes by, it's easier for me to shove the memory
of having a stroke to the back of my mind. There is this
little voice inside my head that tries very hard to
convince me that the meds are going to take care of
everything - that taking them everyday is the limit
of my responsibility. I know that sounds crazy, but
you'd be surprized at how easy it is to listen to that
voice and actually believe it. ( or at least ignore the
truth) So this morning, I have a new voice asking
me questions like:
" Do you need a refresher course on strokes? Do you
realise that the next stroke could, and probably would,
be much worse than the first?"
I really hate that new voice. But it seems that getting
back on track is harder than I thought. In spite of
what I know. So far, I haven't had much luck with
just applying simple self control. There could be alot
of reasons for why that hasn't been very sucessful at
this point in my life, and I don't like what any of those
reasons say about me. Bottom line: There are too many
voices in my head. They are starting to argue
amongst themselves. (which of course, creates
the perfect distraction for me to indulge myself.)
UGH !

And while I'm on the subject, (or maybe, changing
the subject?) I'm finding myself even more shocked
by the fact that I am actually concerned about ME !
(of all people) What's up with that?! Seems like I
spend so much of my life being concerned about
everyone around me, that having a legitimate concern
about myself, feels very odd. That's another thing that's
really NOT okay.

Still, aside from all the personal revelations and self
righteous indignation, I have to figure out what to
actually DO about all of this. And that seems to be
the part that has my mind all tangled up. It all seems
so overwhelming this morning, because right now,
nothing in my life seems simple. It seems like every
decision, every move I make, sets off a never ending
chain reaction of crap that comes tumbling down on
me like a land slide. I simply feel like (our finances)
have us painted into a corner; and even doing 1 positive
thing, brings about 20 negative complications, that
affect me and everyone around me.

I know that sounds overly dramatic. On the surface,
everything in our lives is functioning and mostly okay.
We have food in the fridge, and all the (necessary) utilities
are still on. It's what is just below the surface that has me
stressed. The list of things that are being put off until we
longer; and the length of that list, is starting to cast a
shadow on to everything. It's starting to feel like we
would have to win the lottery in order for us to ever see
the sun shine again.
So of course, I guess I wake up this morning, and
added a few things to that list that have been
simmering in the back of my mind for a long time.

Maybe, subconsciously, I'm trying to force something
to happen. You know, the way they create avalanches so
that no one gets killed by sitting around waiting for it to
happen on it's own? I don't know, maybe that theory
works better with snow than it does with shit ?

Oh well. I guess I'll eventually just get over all
these panicky, random fears. Either that, or I can
always file them away in a dark and dusty corner
of my mind for future reference during my next
personal crisis. Like I said, it's just very disturbing
for me to wake up with so much anxiety drifting
around inside my head like the debris from a disaster
at sea. I don't like it. But I'm not really in a position to
make alot of grand and life changing decisions right
now.

Why is it, that I feel like I have spent my whole life
dreaming and schemeing about things that I am
going to do, or change . . . "someday" ? As soon as
finances improve, as soon as my kids don't need every
second of my time and energy, as soon as this,
or that happens. . . I've been waiting 45 years
for "someday" to arrive ! At this rate, "someday"
will happen the day after my funeral!

Holy crap. This all just sounds SO pathetic and
whingey !! God bless anyone with the patience
to have read this far - even a saint would have
died from boredom before now !!!!
Enough, ENOUGH, ENOUGH !!! I'm going to go
take a nap, because I feel like shit, and with all
these thoughts in my head, I've really managed
to accomplish very little today. So, It
might be best to consider this whole day
a "do-over" anyway.
(chances are good that no one will even notice)
Besides, I'm out of smokes, and $, and Roy probably
won't be home for another 2 to 3 hours. I wouldn't
want anyone to get hurt in the meantime.

Another Sunday 3/30/08

Sunday, March 30th, 2008
A day without Internet . . . is alot like this :


Oh my gosh, it's Sunday morning. Well, it's not really
morning anymore, I slept through that. It's more
like . . . .12:15 pm. I slept until 11:45 am, because I
was up with the girls until 3 am. That's my excuse,
and I'm sticking to it.

Until a few moments ago, my hubby was upstairs
sleeping too.He woke up at a normal hour, but went
back to bed because he has his Sunday morning
headache. He always gets a headache on Sunday.
I went upstairs to wake him up because I was lonely.
When he naps, he pulls a t-shirt out of his dresser
drawer, and wraps it around his head and eyes.
I peeled the t-shirt off his eyes, and told him that he
looks like a terrorist sleeping in my bed. I'm
not really the sort of girl who would allow that sort of
thing, but because he's my hubby, I let him get away
with it. So now, he is here in the living room, playing a
race car video game. He's thinks he's Speed Racer, or
something. He's really just a big kid; but again, because
he's my hubby, I let him get away with
that too. There are alot of priveliges that go along
with being my personal stud muffin.

Jake is up at the skate park. He is actually the
reason that I got out of bed at 11:45. My kids are
always poking their heads into my bed- room and
telling me things while I am sleeping. They know
that moms can carry on a full, and semi coherent
conversation, even while they are asleep. I've even
been known to win arguments while I
am still asleep. Being a mother is a strange
and unnatural state of existance. I've often wondered
what I will do when my kids are grown and have lives
of their own. I think that I will have to go down to the
social services agency and see if they will loan out
some very disturbed foster children to me. Kids with
ADHD, or OCD, or PMS, or any combination of letters.
I love kids like that.

Heather and Alexis just got out of bed, and have
wandered down- stairs to the living room. They are
plotting to take the PS2 away from dad so that they
can play Time Splitters 2. It will be interesting
to see how that works out. Since they are females,
and my husband is easily manipulated by a pair of sad
eyes, and a pouty mouth, I doubt there will be bloodshed.

Well, have carpets to vacuum, and I have laundry to
wash, dry, and fold. So I had better get up and get busy.
*******************************************************************
Okay, it's now 10:30 pm on Sunday. I know that
when you last heard from me, I said that I was going
to go get busy. Well, it didn't work out that way.
I actually got up, and went outside to play with my
dogs. They chased the ball around until they wore
themselves out. When I came inside, I felt an over
powering urge to regurgitate my two slices of toast
that I ate for breakfast. In order to fight off my body's
rebellion, I went back to bed, and laid very, very
still. This usually works for me. My husband however,
gave me a very concerned look, and some much needed
extra attention. So . . . I decided to go with that instead.
I figured that the world wouldn't fall apart if I took a day
off. So with my dogs at my feet, to my side, and a couple
under the bed, I snuggled down to play sick. Of course,
I really wasn't playing, but it wasn't as bad as I let Roy
beleive either.

So after my thoughtful hubby made sure that I had
everything that I might possibly need, he told the kids
to not bother me. (which means, don't try to have
conversations with her while she is asleep.) Then,
he went over to Jasmin and Jason's house to watch
the KU game on Jason's gianormous big screen T.V.
For a while, I tried to figure out what might be the
reason for my sudden nausea. I hadn't felt that way
since I was pregnant with Heather . . .NAH, couldn't be.

I tried to push that thought from my mind, but I kept
remembering the last time that my doctor x-rayed
my abdomen. It was about five years after Heather
was born. He was checking to see if I had passed my
most reccent kidney stone. When he came back into
the exam room, he said,
" I have an odd question for you. You said that you
had a tubal ligation about five years ago, right?"
I nodded.
"Then, why is only one of your tubes tied ?"
I looked at him and said, "Uh . . . that's not funny. . . "
I jumped off the exam table and followed him to the
light box in the other room. We both peered at the
x-ray, and sure enough, we could clearly see that the
left ovarian tube was severed and clamped, but the
right tube seemed to be missing the clamp-thingy.
Although, we did finally observe that the right tube
was cut, and he admitted that the x-ray might just be
a bad angle to show whether a clamp had been used.
Anyway, I pretty much put it out of my mind after
that. It's been 11 years, and no babies, so I think I'm
pretty safe.

Besides, I am 100% certain that I am NOT pregant !
But just considering the idea must have exhausted me,
because I fell asleep shortly after that, and didn't wake up
until almost 5:30 pm. When I woke up, my faux morning
sickness was gone, and my two youngest children were
downstairs bickering with each other over some stupid
thing. I could hear words like, "stupid", and "shut up",
and "make me !", and " I know you are, but what
am I?" drifting up the stairs. I turned on the
bedroom T.V. to drown them out. The T.V. came on,
tuned to the station that Roy was watching before he
left. An excited sportscastor informed me that the game
was over, and KU was in the big four! Whoopie.

Since Roy would be on his way home soon, and my
kids were acting like a couple of toddlers, I thought
I had better get up and do something - FINALLY.
I switched over the laundry, started a new load, and
folded the dry load. I cleaned up the living room and
kichen, which were disasters. Filled the dishwasher with
all the dishes strewn about, and turned it on. I gathered up
all the CDs and empty pop cans, and vacuumed
the rug - all before Roy came home and announced
that he was starving. I told him that I still didn't want
to think about food yet, so he and the kids ate chili dogs
while I settled for a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Then,
I fed the dogs and cleaned up the kitchen - again.

Roy and Jake have just gone to bed, and Heather has just
finished up her weekend home work, which always gets
done at the last possible minute. She will be in bed
soon and then, it will just be me and the dogs. Even if
I could sleep, there isn't much point in trying.
Thunderstorms are supposed to begin rumbling into our
area at midnight, and I won't get much sleep with Peter
curled up ontop of me, trembling.like a leaf in a high wind.
So, I think I will do the last couple of loads of laundry,
prepare for school on Monday, and do my
best to comfort Pete, while I keep an eye out for
tornadoes. Hopefully, we will have the internet, cable,
and telephone back on by next weekend. Things are
starting to pick up for Roy at work, and we are all just
about as bored as we can get.
(as I am sure, this entry illustrates.)
I really miss chatting with my internet
friends.
Hope that everyone is doing well,
Love ya,
Susan

While I was away ....

March 29th, 2008
Hi,
I have concluded that being poor is boring. It's hard to
believe that I have a house full of kids spending the night
even though I have no cable T.V., no internet, no phone,
no heat, and practically no food ! You would think that
they would find a more kid friendly house to hang
out at. At least, then I could enjoy the quiet ! Maybe
I could get some "grown up time" with my hubby,
or something? But no, I'm stuck doing laundry,
cleaning house, and washing dishes. You know,
the regular mom stuff. Today has been especially
difficult. First of all, it's Saturday, and the kids don't
have school. Secondly, our spring- time weather has
gone south for the weekend, and it's been cool and
cloudy all day. Just a very dreary kind of day.
I haven't been particuarlly inspired to do much of
anything. I didn't take the dogs out for a walk, and
instead of cooking dinner, I got pizza from
Little Cesear's.

Tomorrow might be a little more interesting. The
weather channel is predicting an outbreak of tornadoes.
Okay, I know that sounds morbid, but here in Kansas,
it's sort of springtime entertainment. We realise that,
technically, it could be dangerous and all, but people who
have lived here all their lives just get used to it. Besides,
there really isn't anything to be done to stop it. Almost
everyone around here has a basement, and those
who don't, know what to do, or where to go.
Actually, mid-summer tornadoes are much cooler
than spring tornadoes.

I remember when I was growing up, they would
almost always come in the late afternoon or evening.
After a long, hot day of playing outside, the wind would
suddenly pick up and grow cool, and the clouds would
start to roll in. All the usual naborhood sounds of birds,
traffic, and barking dogs, would suddenly go silent.
For a breif time, all the wind would cease, and the sky
would turn an eerie shade of emerald green.
If you hadn't gotten your butt home by then, you
had better run, because the wind, and sirens were
inevitable at that point.

In our neighborhood, if it wasn't pouring down rain,
all the families would gather on their front porches
to watch the skies. All the front doors would be left
open and the collective sounds of the speacial weather
bulletins could be heard in surround sound drifting
through screen doors, up and down the block.

As the clouds churned, mothers would wander out
into front yards, wringing their hands in their aprons,
to share the news of the last sightings, or where the
twister had last touched down, and what direction
it was expected to travel. Occassionally, they would
holler back towards the house at any kids under the
age of seven who dared to "take one step off that porch."

The men, usually still in their work clothes, would
bravely gather in the street as if their mere presence
would deter the tornado's path, and thus save their
families and homes from destruction. Almost always,
one of the men would have a police scanner set up inside
their garage, and once the doors were thrown open, the
serious, technical discussions would migrate in that
direction.

Most of the teenagers would assemble like a mounted
brigade on their bikes at the end of someone's driveway
gathered around a battery operated radio that was tuned
to the coolest local radio station. It was their job to carry
information from the dad's headquarters to the mom's
camp; and occassionally, and grudgingly, check on the little
kids left on the porches.

As the evening wore on and the skies darkened,
the ladies discussions would turn to neighborhood gossip.
The dad with the police scanner in his garage, would
almost always be the same dad with his personal
beer fridge in the same garage, and the sound of tops
being poped open would be heard.

Eventually, the "All Clear" would be sounded, and kids
would venture off their porches to chase fireflies. When
the rock and roll from the teens radio got too loud, the moms
would gather up the little ones for baths and bedtimes. As
dad's wandered back to their houses, they would drag their
older kids along as well.

Of course, all of that is exactly what the Emergency
Broadcast System tells people not to do, but it's a prime
time to meet any new families to the neighborhood, and
nothing brings a community together like impending doom
and the wrath of God. Since I was born and raised
in the suburbs of Kansas, I firmly believe that it's the
only way to deal with Mother Nature, and ultimately,
prevent disaster, and almost certain destruction.
It's always been that way here in Kansas.