Friday, April 11, 2008

The next three posts ...

The next three Posts were written while I was MIA. Mostly they are just long, rambling lists of complaints and observations of my boring old life without my internet or friends, or T.V., or telephone - Ugh ! the whole thing was so tramatic - I hope that I don't need thereapy as a result! Anyway, I just thopught I'd throw them out there. Jake will be home from school soon and he'll throw me off the computer, no doubt. But I will post tonight and finish getting caught up with everyone.

Love you guys,
Susan


Monday Misery Monday, April 7th, 2008
(too many voices in my head)

I'm writting this on Word and hopefully, someday,
I'll be able to post it on my blog. I miss my internet,
my blogs, and my blog friends especially, so much.
Right now, I really need my blog and my friends. I
woke up this morning with something that I need to
work through. Maybe, something that I need to own
up to ? Unfortunately, typing it on Word, knowing
that there is no one to share it with, no one out
there who will give me honest feed back and support,
makes the whole exercise seem kind of futile. O well,
just another shinning example of the self- destructive,
self defeating fantasy world that I've created for
myself. *Sigh - Really BIG sigh*

Have you ever awoke, opened your eyes to a fresh
new day, filled with sheer panic and raw fear resulting
from the knowlege that you are OLD; and your life is
quickly racing to an abrupt and pointless end ?
No ? Well, just wait - You will.
I'm having one of those mornings. It could be
because I ran out of anti-depressants 6 days ago,
and I haven't got a telephone to call the Doctor/Dealer
and beg for more samples. Or, it could be because it's
an actual fact, and my brain is just now drug free
enough to allow such thoughts to float to the surface
and scare the hell out of me. Or, it could be the result
of the massive amounts of raspberry Zingers and
chocolate Ho-Hos that I shoved into my body last
night and early this morning. (DAMN the Hostess
snack cake makers ! I hope they all burn in Hell !)

I guess it really doesn't matter what the reason is,
Pandora's box has been opened, and I have to figure
out a way to clean up the mess. To be honest, the real
issue isn't that I am 45 years old, which is just a heart
beat away from 50 !!! (Dear God!!)
The real issue that I'm struggling with is, what I
have been doing to my rapidly, and not so gracefully
aging body; and the consequences that really are
inevitable if I continue with this behavior. To say
that 'I have to get my shit together', would be
the ultimate understatement of ALL time.

You all know that I kind of, half heartedly and
jokingly, struggle with keeping my weight out of
the Guiness Book of World Records for morbid
obesity; all the while, attempting to eat, bake, and
sneak as much sugar as humanly possible. Well. . .
as horrible as all that sounds, my day - to - day
behavior is actually worse.

For example: Last night, I bought a box of (10)
Hostess chocolate Ho-Hos, and a box of (12)
Hostess Raspberry Zingers. (I'm sorry Christopher,
try not to gag at the mediocrity of my desert choices - I
really am very sick person.) Anyway, in less than 12 hours,
I managed to eat all but 5 zingers, and 4 Ho-Hos. And
here is the sick part. I ate 2 of them in front of my
family- as they frowned at me, 7 of them - after everyone
was in bed asleep, and the other 4 - during the night. And
you know what else? If my husband or children ask me
what happened to all the snack cakes, I will lie like a dog !
Any sane person would have puked their guts up by now.
Not me, I have a death wish, apparently. In fact, the
phrase: "passive suicide" is not unheard of in the dark,
cavernous regions of my mind.

So, okay, I am a diabetic with a sugar addiction. Not
exactly breaking news, since most people develop Type
II diabetes as a result of eating too much sugar and poor
diet. Maybe, I have some kind of closet eating disorder.
Considering the fact that the whole world is out of control,
to the point that addictions and disorders have almost
become fashionable, none of this is exactly earth shaking
information either.
What has me disturbed, more than anything else this
morning, is my sudden realization that I seem to have
been in denial about the fact that I am on an almost
certain path of self destruction.
That, is really NOT okay.

There seems to be a part of me that isn't taking any
of this very seriously. I used to do such a good job
of watching what I eat, and I was constantly trying
to do better things for my health. As a result, I really
do have alot of good information stored in my brain.
And I know what I should be doing, so there really is
no excuse for me, or my behavior.
I know that alot of it is just simple human apathy.
As time goes by, it's easier for me to shove the memory
of having a stroke to the back of my mind. There is this
little voice inside my head that tries very hard to
convince me that the meds are going to take care of
everything - that taking them everyday is the limit
of my responsibility. I know that sounds crazy, but
you'd be surprized at how easy it is to listen to that
voice and actually believe it. ( or at least ignore the
truth) So this morning, I have a new voice asking
me questions like:
" Do you need a refresher course on strokes? Do you
realise that the next stroke could, and probably would,
be much worse than the first?"
I really hate that new voice. But it seems that getting
back on track is harder than I thought. In spite of
what I know. So far, I haven't had much luck with
just applying simple self control. There could be alot
of reasons for why that hasn't been very sucessful at
this point in my life, and I don't like what any of those
reasons say about me. Bottom line: There are too many
voices in my head. They are starting to argue
amongst themselves. (which of course, creates
the perfect distraction for me to indulge myself.)
UGH !

And while I'm on the subject, (or maybe, changing
the subject?) I'm finding myself even more shocked
by the fact that I am actually concerned about ME !
(of all people) What's up with that?! Seems like I
spend so much of my life being concerned about
everyone around me, that having a legitimate concern
about myself, feels very odd. That's another thing that's
really NOT okay.

Still, aside from all the personal revelations and self
righteous indignation, I have to figure out what to
actually DO about all of this. And that seems to be
the part that has my mind all tangled up. It all seems
so overwhelming this morning, because right now,
nothing in my life seems simple. It seems like every
decision, every move I make, sets off a never ending
chain reaction of crap that comes tumbling down on
me like a land slide. I simply feel like (our finances)
have us painted into a corner; and even doing 1 positive
thing, brings about 20 negative complications, that
affect me and everyone around me.

I know that sounds overly dramatic. On the surface,
everything in our lives is functioning and mostly okay.
We have food in the fridge, and all the (necessary) utilities
are still on. It's what is just below the surface that has me
stressed. The list of things that are being put off until we
longer; and the length of that list, is starting to cast a
shadow on to everything. It's starting to feel like we
would have to win the lottery in order for us to ever see
the sun shine again.
So of course, I guess I wake up this morning, and
added a few things to that list that have been
simmering in the back of my mind for a long time.

Maybe, subconsciously, I'm trying to force something
to happen. You know, the way they create avalanches so
that no one gets killed by sitting around waiting for it to
happen on it's own? I don't know, maybe that theory
works better with snow than it does with shit ?

Oh well. I guess I'll eventually just get over all
these panicky, random fears. Either that, or I can
always file them away in a dark and dusty corner
of my mind for future reference during my next
personal crisis. Like I said, it's just very disturbing
for me to wake up with so much anxiety drifting
around inside my head like the debris from a disaster
at sea. I don't like it. But I'm not really in a position to
make alot of grand and life changing decisions right
now.

Why is it, that I feel like I have spent my whole life
dreaming and schemeing about things that I am
going to do, or change . . . "someday" ? As soon as
finances improve, as soon as my kids don't need every
second of my time and energy, as soon as this,
or that happens. . . I've been waiting 45 years
for "someday" to arrive ! At this rate, "someday"
will happen the day after my funeral!

Holy crap. This all just sounds SO pathetic and
whingey !! God bless anyone with the patience
to have read this far - even a saint would have
died from boredom before now !!!!
Enough, ENOUGH, ENOUGH !!! I'm going to go
take a nap, because I feel like shit, and with all
these thoughts in my head, I've really managed
to accomplish very little today. So, It
might be best to consider this whole day
a "do-over" anyway.
(chances are good that no one will even notice)
Besides, I'm out of smokes, and $, and Roy probably
won't be home for another 2 to 3 hours. I wouldn't
want anyone to get hurt in the meantime.

5 howled back:

sparsely kate said...

You know that I could have written this post...you know that most of what you wrote is pretty much like the internal debate that rages on inside of my brain every day. I engage in behaviours that I am fully aware have shitty consequences for my body and my brain. But I do them anyway. A LOT of us do it anyway.

Why? I dunno, but I think it helps to know you aren't the only village idiot (hahahah)

A smart, self contained person (and there are some around..I met one the other day) would say, "Why on earth would you do shit like that when you know it is putting your health/life/sanity at risk??"

To them I would say, "Oh go and be perfect someplace else!" and then rush off to Wendy's for a milkshake and a donut all the while trying to justify why I'm only really having this one last treat before I make a change for the better.
And so it goes.....

I guess just look on the bright side of life - least you're not in it alone! You have a fellow head-case in me, right here. :)

Auburn haired artist said...

I knew that you'd be able to relate. But sometimes, reality just hits me so hard that it's kind of scary, isn't it? I'd much rather live my life in blissful ignorance.

Jasminharrington said...

Jesus mom! That is absolutely horrible to hear someone else say about themselves. That is I guess why I keep it to myself! I feel the same way I really feel unhappy with myself but I am not the least bit motivated to do anything to fix it right now. Maybe if you and Mel lived closer we could do something together! Oh... and can you believe that they have milkshakes and donuts at Wendys in Australia?

Auburn haired artist said...

There is No Bullshit on this blog!
People can either deal with me - or not - I don't really care much either way.

Oh . . . .and that's nothing, they have CHEESECAKE at McDonalds in Australia too. We are obviously living in the wrong country !!!
I say we put all our pennies together, kidnap Christopher, and hijack a plane to Oz.

sparsely kate said...

Come!! come over! We have donut king, we have Hungry Jacks (which I'm pretty sure is just like your Denny's??) we have Maccas...Pizza Hut ..there would be absolutely no way you could loose any weight in Australia but we would have a hoot of a time. We have Starbucks and Gloria Jean coffee houses...it would be just like you never left the States :))