Gutenberg part 1

Almost a year ago, back in February of 2007, I wrote a blog about my Golden retriever, Honey Bear, who passed away in March of 2005. At that time, I had intended to also blog about my German Shepard, Gutenberg, who passed away a year later; however, it was just too emotional. Recently, a blogger friend, Sometimes Saintly Nick, began writing a multi part recollection of one of his former pets, which has been greatly enjoyed by many, myself included. I believe that animals, like people, come into our lives for a purpose, and that we can learn alot from them if we are willing to open our hearts, as well as our homes to them. Since the story of Gutenberg is one that I had wanted to share, I thought I'd give this method a try. I hope that you enjoy it.

The first time that I ever saw Gutenberg was in August of 2001. My husband and I were driving past a house that we would soon be moving into. A house that I thought would become our dream house. It was a 100+ year old country house, at the end of a long gravel road. To the front and rear were acres upon acres of woods that eventually became part of the Wyandot County Park Hiking Trails. To the left, were almost thirty acres of farm land, and beyond that, barely visible, the highway. For five miles to the right, were a handful of homes each settled on no less than 5 - 10 acres of Missouri woodlands.

As we drove past the house, we pulled onto the dirt road to turn around. In the center of that road, was a scrawny, ragged, female German Shepard. Instantly, I could see that this dog had the potential to be a beautiful animal if she was cleaned up and fed. As we drove slowly past her, she drew back her mouth to show her teeth in a vicious snarl and growled deeply. I remember looking at Roy and saying, "If Nick goes tromping through the woods, he needs to be sure to take his BB gun with him." The idea of one of my children happening upon that dog, while alone in the woods, genuinely frightened me and brought out my maternal instincts of protection.

Almost two weeks later, we began moving in to the house. As I returned to my van to get another load of boxes, I saw this dog inside of my car, rummaging for food ! As I walked toward the car I yelled "hey!" in a sharp loud voice. Her head popped up out of a box and she was gone in a flash, disappearing into the woods. Over the next couple of days, I would catch a glimpse of her hanging around the edge of the property. The previous owners had left behind a 1 year old rottweiler mix female that Heather quickly adopted and named Minnie. In addition, we brought with us my 3 legged Golden retriever, Honey Bear. Both Honey Bear and Minnie were friendly dogs, but their presence seemed to keep the stray Shepard at bay.

After we settled in, occasionally, one of the kids would come running into the house in a panic because the "mean dog" was getting too close for their comfort. I would go outside, yell, and she would take off running back to the woods. After Nick told me that the dog had cornered him in the barn, snarling, and bearing her teeth, I began asking our neighbors who, she belonged to.

I learned that she just showed up, almost two months prior to our moving in. Apparently, the remote area that we lived in seemed to appeal to people looking for a rural setting to "dump" their unwanted pets. It wasn't unusual for stray and Ferrel dogs to suddenly appear, and then, just as suddenly, disappear. (usually, either a result of wandering too close to the Highway in search of food, or from bothering the livestock of the farmer to our left, who would shoot them.)

I considered contacting animal control, but hesitated, knowing that her temperament would result in her being euthanized. I knew that it was probably the kindest option, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to be the one responsible for this dogs death. I finally decided that as long as she kept her distance from my kids, I would let nature take it's course and hope for the best.

A day or two later, I was in the kitchen working, when Nick came walking through - with that evil German Shepard following behind him - with her tail wagging !! Even more amazing, she was followed by our other two dogs, who were behaving as if they had known her all their lives !! Before Nick was able to escape through the front door, I yelled, "WHOA !!!"

Nick returned with his parade of canines. I looked at this dog that everyone, including myself, had feared for weeks, and said, "What the hell is this !" pointing at her.

Nick smiled and said, "ah mom, she was just hungry."

I rolled my eyes and said, "I know ! She almost ate YOU last week!"

Nick looked down at her and started rubbing her neck, "Yeah, I know. But I started thinking about that, and I felt really bad about frightening her. So, today, I brought her some food, and she has been following me around ever since. She's a really good dog, can I keep her ?"

"NO !!" I responded, "And get her out of my house, and away from my babies."

"She's my dog." Nick said as he went back outside.

For the rest of the day, I watched her follow Nick everywhere. It was obvious that they both adored each other. She seemed gentle and respectful enough when Nick introduced her to Jake and Heather, but I still didn't trust her. Never the less, there were three dogs lying on the floor, gathered around the diner table by evening. Roy noticed the connection between the two of them, and as usual, took Nick's side. I finally told Nick that if she was going to be in my house, he'd have to give her a bath. And if she EVER showed even an ounce of aggression, towards anyone, she was gone !

My One, and only, attempt at poetry

I found it !
This is my one and only attempt at writing poetry. It was inspired by my son, Nicholas' filthy bedroom.



NICK'S ROOM


If you're thinking of playing
outside in the sun,
I'm telling you now,
there's work to be done !

You must clean up this room,
it looks like a sty.
There's no use complaining,
or asking me "Why?!"

Pick up those clothes
and put them away.
Or inside is where,
today, you will stay !

Clean up after your bird.
You said that you could.
Make sure she has water,
and plenty of food.

Get rid of those cups,
they're gross and obscene.
If you don't rinse them out now,
they'll never come clean.

You'r bed is a jumble
of blankets and sheets.
Please, make it up now,
and make sure it looks neat !

There are poker chips, rubber bands,
skate boards galore!
If you put them away,
you might find the floor !

The tables are covered
with dirt and debris.
Don't say that you're done
'til this room is dust-free!

Bannana peels, potato chip bags,
Old candy bar wrappers!
It smells almost as bad
as one of Heather's old diapers !

This room is disgusting
I can't stand it anymore !
And that's why this poem
is hung on your door !!!

Love,
Mom
April 1997

Patiently waiting to win the lotto . . .

Hey !



Today has been a good day, all in all. I didn't win the lottery or anything, but I've managed to stay busy and productive.


We woke to an overcast 54 degree (13C) day. By 110:am, the temperature dropped to 24 degrees ( -4.44C) with even lower wind chills. By noon, it looked like a blizzard outside, although we only ended up with a couple of inches of dry, blowing snow.

My first, and biggest, job of the day was to keep Roy from sinking into despair. He only had one service call and none of his other (previous) employers had any work that needed to be done. Roy can easily fall into depression and give up. Understandably, during times like this, he could easily go to bed, pull the blankets over his head, and sleep all day and night. I finally convinced him to ONLY focus on what CAN be done, and on moving in a forward direction. I told him that I would deal with the rest. I didn't tell him that I would be relying on 100% faith. Anyway, I got him out of the house. (whew !)

Since heather was still running a low grade temp, and has almost completely lost her voice, there was no school. I made a few phone calls, and started cleaning up stairs. As I walked past Jake's bed room, I noticed that he left his lights and T.V on when he left for school this morning. Jake's room is an attic bedroom and the only room on the third (or fourth, depending on how you count them) floor. I make it a rule to avoid going up there as much as possible. Heather's room is bad enough, but Jake is a teen, and a boy. As I walked up the seven steps and slowly pushed the door open, my breath was all but knocked out of my chest. I had never seen his room in such a state of total disarray ! The mystery of where all my missing dishes had gone, was suddenly solved - even though I had sent him to retrieve them at least twice in the last week. I couldn't even fully open the door due to all the debris. Every surface was covered with at least half an inch of dirt and dust. It was unreal. When Nick was Jake's age, his room would become so utterly filthy that I was inspired to write the only poem that I have ever written. (I'll try to track it down and post it tomorrow.) Strangely enough, I didn't close the door and run away in horror. Instead, I went down stairs got my cleaning supplies, a laundry bag, and several trash bags. For the first three hours, I did nothing but sort through the trash, laundry, bags of cheese curls, pop cans, and other various items on the floor. Once I could walk through, sort of, I set about rearranging the furniture, and finding a place for everything. By the time I was able to wipe everything down and vacuum, I looked at my watch and realised that I had spent FIVE HOURS in this one room ! At 6:00PM, Roy arived home, helped me carry the four bags of trash to the garage, and I started dinner while he went to wait for the buses to return Jake to the school from his ski trip.

After Jake got home and ate his dinner, he took his shower, and spent the rest of the evening enjoying his 'new" room. I think he likes it.

The other big job today was going to visit Nick. I had no idea what frame of mind he would be in. When I got out to the jail, which I have been to countless times, I checked in and was given a tag which specified a different visitation room. On every other visit, I have always been sent to the visitation rooms for the minimum security pods. As I waited, I had no idea what this meant, nor what to except from this change. However, when I entered the visitation cubicle and saw Nick waiting for me, I was relieved to see that he was calm, and pleased to see me. As it turned out, his behavior and phone conversation with me the night he was arrested DID result in him being placed in a suicide watch cell. Nick felt rather embarrassed by this because, as I suspected, it was all drunken hysteria and ravings. In fact, his memories of Sunday night were jumbled with alot of gaps. Nick vaguely remembered an argument before he left the house, and his biggest concern was that I might still be angry with him. He had no recollection of his phone conversation with me, and when he awoke in a suicide watch cell, he was worried that I had requested he be put there. (which I didn't) I had to explain the events of that day to him, and he was somewhat able to tell me how he was picked up and arrested. As it happened, he ended up at his A.A. home group meeting place, which is, conveniently, only a block or two from the bar. He later learned that someone at the meeting hall called the police and requested that he be removed - for obvious reasons.

Anyway, he has come to terms with the fact that he must serve his time, and is trying to figure what the best way to make use of his time would be. His resources and options are pretty limited in county jail. Although, there is a good chance that he will be "farmed out" to a small, less crowded, county jail in order to free up space in Johnson County, and who knows what options that will result in ? I think that's another thing that will depend on faith, and God's will.

So I think that my visit went well. Nick understands our financial situation, and he's okay with waiting to get money on his phone account and commissary account.

Okay, It's getting late, and I need to get myself to bed. My head is trying to produce mass qauntities of snot, but I'm pretty sure that it's just the result of the weird, extreme temperature changes today. All the same, I should probably get some extra rest.

Good night all, hope you have a great Wednesday/Thursday !
Love ya,
Susan

A better day

Hi there,



Don't worry, I am not going to write a horrible depressing post. You all have been so wonderful with your words of encouragement, and I am very lucky to have friends like you. Thank you for being there for me!

Maybe this sounds horrible, but I woke this morning with a sense of peace, almost a feeling of relief. I know that Nick is probably feeling angry, depressed, frustrated, and who knows what else; but In my heart, I know that he is safe, and that he will get through this. Hopefully, it will make an impression on him, and he will change his thinking and his life. I know that addiction is a huge obstacle to overcome. But I know that it CAN be done. And if it can be done - Nick can do it.

I know that Nick tried to call today, but the phones in his pod were not working right, and all I got was a bunch of beeps and tones. I'm not at all upset about that. Chances are, he just wanted someone to bitch and scream at. He has visitation tomorrow at 9:15 PM, and I will see him then. If he wants to scream and yell, I'll leave and wait until Saturday to visit, - maybe he'll calm down by then. I am done dealing with irate, out of control addicts.

Since Heather shared her virus with Jake last week, it's only fair that Jake shared his with Heather. Jake came home Thursday running a fever and has been struggling with a sore throat, cough and congestion all weekend. Heather started running a fever this morning and she has been a mess. I've probably mentioned this before, but both my daughters have a zero tolerance for pain and discomfort. They tend to take everything personally. All day long, Heather has been moaning, "what's WRONG with me ?! Why am I always the one who gets sick ?!" I have very little tolerance for whingers, so after spending most of the day rolling my eyes at her, I finally said, "Well, I am sure that you have done something to deserve this, you might as well confess." Which of course, pissed her off and she called me a "mean mom." Which is probably true, but I quit being offended by those kind of remarks when Jasmin was 8 years old - it just makes me chuckle now. In spite of being such a mean mom, I've made sure that she got her Tylenol and her decongestants on schedule, her vaporizer filled, her blankets and pillows fluffed, and I even braved the 60 degree weather to get her a Subway sandwich and a chocolate chip cookie - I'm such a bitch.

Jacob is more like me - he refuses to be sick. When he was off school, his biggest complaint was missing his friends and wishing he had gone anyway. He still isn't 100% today, but I'm sure that if he had stayed home, he probably would have killed Heather.

Besides, he has a field trip tomorrow. The 7th grade is going to Snow Creek Ski Lodge in Weston, Missouri. (it's about 45 minutes away) We don't have any mountains out here on the prairie, so they built a huge hill, and bought an artificial snow blower - it's pretty pathetic actually. I have no idea how this is supposed to be educational, unless they are doing a unit on Einstein's laws of motion. Seems to me, there would be a safer way to demonstrate it though. I'm sure the kids will have fun, I just hope the teachers and chaperones bring plenty of Valium.

Oh Lord, Heather just came downstairs and wanted to know "Why God makes HER sick all the time !" I told her that it builds character, and to go back to bed. I don't know if I can take another two days of this. It was so much nicer before they learned to talk.

Since I didn't have to teach, I got caught up on my cleaning. While I was cleaning the family room (Nick's room) I found an empty pint of Peach flavored vodka under his dirty clothes. I suppose I'll have to go through his things and pack them away before the kids get into them. I'll probably be finding all sorts of surprises for a while.

I actually got downstairs today to do a little drawing. Just doodles mostly. I really am going to do some thing. It's always been my version of mental health therapy. It's cheaper than a shrink, and not quite as messy as basket weaving. I think I need to track down a CD player for my art room though, I can still hear what goes on upstairs.

Well, I need to write tomorrow's To do list, and a few other things, so I better get busy before it gets too late.

Love ya,
Susan

Inevitable events

Well, you know, the fun just never stops around here. It's been another crazy day, although I suppose everything worked out for the best in the end.

The day started out calm, and kind of lazy, but I guess Nick got to feeling bored, or something. About 2:30 he disappeared for a while. When he came home, he grabbed the phone and went to the garage. I suspected that he had started drinking, but Jasmin and the grandkids had just stopped by to visit, so I wasn't going to say anything while they were here. Jasmin is a very confrontational person, and she has pretty much lost all patience with Nick and his addictions. I was hoping to keep the two of them apart, but while Jasmin and I were in my art room talking, Nick showed up and started being belligerent, and wanting money so he could go to the bar. So, the one thing that I was trying to avoid, ended up happening anyway. The two of them got into an argument, and eventually, Nick just left.

I assumed that he would go to the bar to seek comfort, but I was worried because I knew he had no money. So I spent the rest of the day worrying about him. Finally, around 7:30PM I got a call from him - from jail. I have no idea how the initial police contact occurred, but they arrested him for probation violation. Hopefully, he doesn't have any additional charges, and he can just do his time and be done with it. When Nick called, he was really wasted, and all he wanted to do was cry, and carry on about not wanting to live. I know that he was drunk and stupid, but it's still upsetting to hear. He was a mess. I know that if he continues that way, they will give him a paper suit, and put him in isolation on suicide watch. He won't like that, but they take that sort of thing seriously. Hopefully, he'll just sleep for a while, and be fine when he sobers up.

In my heart, I know that being there is probably the safest place for him. I don't have to deal with the guilt of having put him there myself - he did this on his own. Things here at home should be a little quieter. Except for when he calls, he will be pretty difficult for the next several days - it's no fun detoxing in jail. I have to figure out how to get some money on his books, and on the correctional billing phone account - that could be kind of tricky right now.

Anyway, I just feel worn out and exhausted. I think I'm going to put myself to bed, and hope that things will seem clearer tomorrow.

Hope you all have a great week.
Love ya,
Susan

Another new day

If insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result, then yes, I am living in an asylum. And I want out.

Last night was truly awful. Both my men came home in a pretty worthless state. It's come down to choices having to be made, enough is enough. I gave my husband two options. He says that he wants to make changes, and do what's right. Only time will tell if he is serious. I hope so, because I sure as hell am.

I think that with Nick, it's a different situation. I don't think he still possesses the ability, nor the desire, to make a good choice on his own. (at least not as far as this subject is concerned) At 22 years old, he's no longer a child, and maybe I don't have the right to make choices for him, but I have to protect my family, and having him here is not good for anyone, including him. I have to do what's right - even if he hates me for it. That sucks so bad.

So, after last night, and being up until 4:30 AM, I slept until 11:00 AM. Except for being woke up at 9:30 by Nick. He called to tell me that he was at Sherry's house, you know, so I wouldn't worry ?! If he didn't want me to worry, he should have called at midnight ! Calling me at 9:30 in the morning, after I've been up all night, is just going to piss me off. Of course, I'm sure that thought never entered his mind. Okay, enough of this crap.

Anyway, after a week of sub freezing temperatures, we finally got a nice day. When I got up I noticed that the dogs were eating! As opposed to crying and following Princess around the house. YAY !! They finally gave it up, thank God ! So this afternoon, while Roy was at work, I took them all out for a nice long walk. When we got home, we all curled up in bed for a 45 minute siesta. I needed a day without frantic, out of control behavior - from some body. The sunshine and warm weather was an added bonus. Now that Princess is done toying with them, my boys are back to cuddling and loving me again. For the past five days, I've been nothing more than the human who spoils all their fun. After dinner they all piled on top of me on the couch, and insisted that they make up for lost time.

I spent several hours yesterday cleaning and re-organising my basement art room. It's been a disaster ever since Christmas. So now that everything is nice and tidy, I'm thinking of starting a drawing project. It's been almost two years since I've completed a drawing, and something is telling me that now is a good time to get started. The idea of spending a few hours a day, doing something focused and creative, sounds like a vacation to me. The question is - can I pull it off ? Can I actually escape without being interrupted every 15 minutes? Tomorrow is Sunday, so I'm going to give it a shot and try to get a few composition sketches done.

Okay, I'm going to take a nice hot shower and go to bed.
Love ya,
Susan

Not tonight.

It's been a really awful evening. So I won't be posting here tonight.