Tuesday, May 27, 2008

JACKASS - the LIVE version.

* Before I begin to write this, I should probably include the following disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge, neither my son, Jacob, nor his friend, Patrick, are on drugs - they are just crazy thirteen year olds.

You know, there are some words that should never be paired together in the same sentance. This evening, I discovered a couple of those words. They are, "Saran wrap", and "Jake", my son. Of course, I realise that it's probably my own fault. Who, besides someone like myself, would keep a giant roll of Saran wrap (the kind that they use in warehouses to wrap huge boxes together that are being transported by fork lift) in their arts and crafts area of the basement ? Silly me. I don't even remember where, or how, I came about owning such a dangerous and tempting object, but I always thought that, one day, it might come in handy for some creative project. What was I thinking?

Well, this evening, Jacob and his friend Patrick found a creative purpose for it. When Jake asked me if he could borrow it, the sane, rational, maternal voice in my head screamed "NO! Nothing good can come of this !" But, instead, I calmly replied, "Honey, I just don't think that sounds like a good idea." But you know, the creative drive of a thirteen year old can neither be reasoned with, nor thwarted. He tucked the roll under his arm and scampered up the stairs giggling maniacally.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be Bam Margera's mother, April? By the time that I got upstairs, the guys had convinced Heather to wrap them up, from shoulders to ankles, like a couple of deranged teenage burritos. They began on opposite sides of the living room, hopping madly towards each other, bashing into each other, just so that they could laugh their asses off when they fell over! They looked like Veggie Tales' Bob and Larry on crack! Jake has a t-shirt aptly says: "It's only funny until somebody gets hurt . . . then, it's freakin' hilarious!!" That seems to be the missions statement of all skaters. I have to admit, I laughed until my sides hurt.

Of course, the silliness didn't end there. After Patrick convinced Heather to release him from his wrappings, He pushed Jake out side, and we watched him hop down the sidewalk, raving and laughing like a lunatic in a stay fresh pouch. Before a neighbor called 911, or police cruiser happened by, he came up with a new idea and turned around and came back inside. They unwrapped Jake. and wrapped them selves together at the legs and arms, like three legged racers. Then, they went into the back yard and tried to climb over the fence. I know that it's wrong for a mom to say this, but watching them almost fall on their heads was just about the funniest shit I have EVER seen! I have GOT to get a video camera!! My son could easily be the next Steve O. Of course the maternal voice in my head finally won out, and I convinced them to give up before I had to take one, or both of them, to the emergency room. I have no doubt that I'd never be able to explain how they received their injuries - let alone do it with out laughing my ass off. That just wouldn't look right.

Just when I thought that I hurt too much to laugh any more, the two of them decided to count to three, and run in opposite directions! Oh God, it was so funny that Heather and I , literally, could not breathe! For every one's safety, I had to cut them lose. It was like watching a live episode of Jackass. I kept waiting for them to wrap themselves together, flip on the lights, and bounce through our bedroom while Roy was sleeping; just to see the startled look on his face, and hear him scream at them to "get the hell out, you crazy delinquents!"

When they finally wore themselves out, they came inside and Saran wrapped kitchen tools to their hands - stuff like potato mashers, wooden spoons, and ice cream scoopers - and tried to toss a tennis ball around the room. If I'm lucky, they'll be too sore to try anything crazy with their skateboards tomorrow.

3 howled back:

Catherine said...

ROFL - this sounded like some serious fun and Oh the fun that teenagers can have!!

sparsely kate said...

I've caught a few shows of Jackass and think it's hilarious...oh teenage boy humour cracks me up.
You need to get a video camera and youtube their stuff!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Ahhhhhhh! The perfect age to be absolute clowns!