I'm still here, and I seem to be treading water for the moment. I've been wrapped up in writing horribly depressing posts on my private blog, taking long walks with my dogs, (who are just SO incredibly wise and insightful) and mostly waiting for something a bit more positive to post. It's been a tough week, but things have to get better, right? Well, I know that there isn't much in this life that's permanent. (motherhood seems to be the exception to that rule.)
Well, here's the scoop so far. Nick is still here, at home. In the end, Roy made the decision that Nick should be allowed one more chance, and I was just feeling too conflicted to argue. Nick found a job (unloading trucks for a local wholesale grocer) working from 5:30 AM to 1:30PM, and so far, he's been getting some overtime too. Over the past week, I've observed him struggling with a lot of issues, depression and frustration being top of the list. As a mom, it's not easy to watch, but I am keeping my distance; partly because I am still pissed, but also because I really think that he has to work through this himself, on his own.
As a result of last week's choices, Roy is also looking for a new job. *big sigh* To be honest, things weren't really working out where he was, and Roy and I had already been discussing the inevitability of him looking for new work anyway. Still, it's made a financially tense situation, even worse. The last three months of mild weather has made the heating and air conditioning field very slow, which is why finances have been rough, finding a new job in that field, is going to be even rougher. However, the last couple of days have brought some possibilities, so I'm hopeful.
Although it's been a while since I've had to deal with this kind of chaos and turmoil, I've been working on a better way to deal with the situation - or at least, better than I've handled it in the past. I'd like to think that they aren't the only ones who have been in the process of growth and recovery. To be truthful, I've had my hands full just dealing with my own emotions. In the past, I had lashing out and hysterics, down to an art. At this point, I'm kind of finding that biting my tongue, and letting them clean up their own messes, might be the best choice. Although, It's definitely not the easiest option. As much as I would like to scream and yell, point out all their faults and short comings, It has never proved to be very effective, and ultimately, I end up questioning my own sanity. So, as I said, I've been taking a lot of quiet time alone, trying to put things in perspective. I think it's a little easier to do that when you aren't being "machine gunned" by calamities on a regular basis. It also helps to have a point of reference - a commitment, and a basis of faith and hope. Even so, it's hard not to feel like a victim of a random air strike. I guess, shit happens, can't let it destroy you.
Okay, I've had enough of this crap. Things will work out - one way or another. I need to get my self off to bed. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Posted by Auburn~haired~artist at Thursday, May 15, 2008