Well, it's a good thing that I got my pills today, and that I'm feeling better, things have just gone completely haywire, and if I had been having a repeat of yesterday, well, I think that a lot of people would have ended up hurt. I woke up with a fair amount of peace in my spirit this morning, and thankfully, I'm still feeling it deep down.
I slept in , catching up on my sleep a bit, then got Heather started with her school work, while I took a shower. Afterwards, I made a half-hearted attempt to catch up with house work, but the sun was shinning and the day was calm and warm, so the dogs and I couldn't resist. We spent a couple of hours just walking, enjoying the day, and each other's company.
When I got home, Jake told me that Tracy, Roy's boss, had called, and wanted me to call him back. That has never happened before, but deep down, I guess I knew what the problem would be. Remember how I mentioned that Roy and Nick working together wasn't a good idea? God, I hate being right.
Roy has been sober now for almost 7 years - with the exception of maybe 5 (?) relapses. The first one, was all on Roy. He was struggling through a very difficult, stressful time and he just screwed up. We talked about it, and Roy was willing and able to try again, and he did. In fact, he did well. However, since then, every relapse has had one common factor. Roy and Nick were working together. Roy is a recovering alcoholic, Nick is an alcoholic/drug addict who is still dealing with some issues of denial. Nick seems to believe that his biggest issue is drugs, but he refuses to admit that alcohol plays a part. I know better.
Roy is my husband of 18 years, Nick is our 22 year old son. It's a sucky situation, but it's pretty clear that I have to make some hard choices, and set some boundaries, at least, to the extent that I am able. Roy knows this, but I know, that I am going to have to be the one to actually make the decision, and speak the words. That's actually the easy part. The hard part will be sticking to it. Roy and Nick simply can NOT work together, nor be alone together. Either Nick stays clean and sober, or he will have to find somewhere else to live. Even though Nick is a huge factor in Roy choosing to stay sober, it's still a choice for Roy, and he is responsible for for his choices. The problem is, I know them both well enough to know, that on his own, Roy will stay sober, But Nick, hasn't reached that point yet.
So . . . I'm already hearing the voices in my head, and all the accusations, that say I am choosing my husband over my son. I know better than to believe those voices, but I'm hearing them all the same. And no doubt, it won't be long before I'm hearing those words from Nick. As much as Roy and I want to help Nick get back on his feet, and find that path to sobriety (that I know he really does want) Nick is not ready to play by the rules, and Roy isn't strong enough to help guide him yet. It's just not a good situation for either of them, for me, or for our two children living at home (Nick's brother and sister). They both know this in their hearts, but that's not what is going to come out of their mouths, and I really don't want to hear it.
Of course, even as I calmly type all this, there are a lot of variables still in motion that may render all of this moot. The two of them left this afternoon for work with every intention of going to the bar. Yep, I have no doubt that this was premeditated, but what set it off is probably beyond any one's understanding. To his credit, Roy parked the work truck 10 blocks away from the bar, knowing that by the time he was done, he'd be in no condition to get to it, or most likely, even remember where he'd left it. By the time that Tracy tracked them down, he was needing a torch that was in Roy's van. They were both so stupid at that point, that not telling Tracy where the van was parked, seemed like a hilariously funny joke. That's when Tracy called me. (he was not laughing) An hour and a half later, Tracy called me again to tell me that he found the van and that part was dealt with.
When Jasmin (my oldest daughter) got off work at 8:30 PM, I asked her to run a couple packs of cigarettes out to me, and she offered to stop by the bar and check on the guys. By the time she arrived at the bar, Roy was done and ready to come home, and Nick had disappeared with some friends. When Jas brought him home, I fed him and put him to bed. (He is now snoring away with Pete guarding him.) Nick is still out there somewhere. I doubt that he'll come home tonight, but there is a very good possibility that I'll get a phone call before then - most likely from a police officer. I hope not, but it's been known to happen, too many times to count.
In the meantime, Jasmin has called to tell me that Jake posted a message to his friends on his My Space, saying that the whole evening has got him concerned and feeling confused. Poor kids. I made sure that I had them both in bed before their dad got home, but they just aren't used to this kind of thing. Unlike Jasmin and Nick, this kind of event has not been a regular part of their lives. They don't have any memory of the really awful years of Roy's drinking, so they see their father in a different light. Also, I've learned to handle things VERY differently than I did when Jasmin and Nick were young. Jake and Heather know that Nick has a serious addiction problem, and that worries them a lot. The fact that that their dad has had a relapse - while he is with Nick - is very disturbing to them. So I need to handle that situation tomorrow as well. In fact, it's looking like tomorrow could be a very eventful day. Not really lookin' forward to it.
I should probably get to bed, but I don't see sleeping being very likely. I think I'll do some reading for a while, and give bed a shot later.
Good night all.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Posted by Auburn~haired~artist at Thursday, May 08, 2008