Thursday, October 23, 2008

Thinkin' out loud

Crazy day. Actually, yesterday has just sort of melded into today, and I just keep going. Since I finally got all the kids back to school and everyone else to work, I cleaned like a dervish yesterday, ALL day.

Then, at 9:30 PM, I found out that the night time temperatures were going to plummet, and that this weekend, our first hard frost is expected. So, tired or not, I got my men to help me move all my plants inside. My kitchen looked like a tropical rain forest. Every surface was covered by wet, drippy plants. All the counters, the kitchen island, even my eight foot kitchen table and twelve foot church bench ! My plan was to just leave them and deal with it all in the morning. But as I started looking at this weird, and overwhelming sight, I noticed how many plants had just gone wild over the past month, and desperately needed to be trimmed back. I should never have picked up the shears. Once I started clipping, in a matter of minutes, I had an absolute mountain of clippings that had to be put into water. By the time it was all said and done, it was almost 2:30 AM. So I figured, what the hell, might as well start finding places to put some of these plants . . . Before I knew it, Roy's alarm was going off at 4AM (for a 5 AM service call at Wendy's.) Nick was up at 4:30, the kids at 6:30 and 7:00 AM. I didn't get a chance to lay down and sleep until 8:30 AM.

I was back up at Noon, and busy cleaning up all the leaves, and plant debris. I could barely tell that I had spent all day yesterday cleaning house.

Nick had two court dates today, one in Lenexa, and one in Prairie Village. He got 6 months, unsupervised, probation in Lenexa, for driving with an open container; and a continuance (until Dec. 11th) on his Diversion revocation (for DUI.) Maybe I'm an idiot, but Nick's recent behavior has me feeling . . . hopeful ? I know that Nick is capable of maintaining sobriety for longer periods than three weeks, but the real surprise is that he has managed to stay sober NOW. Normally, the stress of upcoming court dates, and financial frustration, almost guarantee a drinking binge. I know that he's been worried about the possible consequences of court, and his new job only pays twice a month, so money has been a huge issue lately, but he's been handling it all pretty well. He's actually making a conscious effort to manage his stress, so that he can remain sober. I don't know if it has any thing to do with the ultimatums that he was given three weeks ago, or if he's just tired of the whole thing, but I believe he is sincerely working at staying sober - long term.

Last week, Roy told me that he thought that this was "it" for Nick. He said that something about Nick's words and actions made him believe that he was "done" with the whole addiction thing. At the time, I wasn't so sure. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. As far as Roy's assessment, I actually felt suspicious that he was setting me up, trying to throw me off, redirect me, so that he could pull one of his famous not-so-pleasant surprises. I know, that sounds really paranoid, but after dealing with so much insanity and twisted thinking, it starts to affect MY thinking. It's like, I think I have to stay one step ahead of them. Not that it does any good to see it coming, probably because it makes it easier to feel smug and self righteous when I say " I told you so." How messed up is that?

Anyway, I digress. Today, I was just really impressed with the way Nick dealt with everything. He knew, both times that he went to court today, that going to jail was a real possibility. He certainly isn't acclimated to the idea of doing jail time. If anything, he' even more stressed by the idea than ever. I think that he has just finally reached the point where he is really determined to do things right. Maybe he's a little cocky about it . . . I over heard him talking to his lawyer today. He said, " I can go to RADAC and get a drug and alcohol evaluation, it doesn't matter what they recommend, I've already decided to stay clean and sober." I'm not sure that he has the "How" part completely figured out, but I think he has made a commitment to staying clean and sober. I think. I guess everything is subject to change. All I know is that this evening, as he was sitting and talking with Jennifer, there was just something in the way he looked and behaved that seemed more . . . mature?

It's funny, I've heard so many other mothers say, "oh gosh, they grow up so fast, wouldn't it be nice if they could just stay young forever?" I guess for some people, growing up is easy ? But when a person has to fight and struggle as hard as Nick has, every step towards growing up seems so much more precious, so amazing and wonderful.

A couple of weeks ago, I was working in the garage and just B.S.ing with Nick. Jake showed up with a couple of his friends from school. (two boys and a very pretty girl) They were just goofing around, skateboarding, helping a bit with the haunted house, but mostly just making asses of themselves. After they left, Nick started talking about how "cool" his little brother is; how much he wished that he could have been more like Jake; funny, confident, and popular. He said that growing up, Nick never felt like he fit in anywhere - that he still feels like he doesn't fit in. ( Nick really envies Jake) I have always felt that Nick was an exceptional person, with so many wonderful qualities. But as I thought about the things he was saying, I suddenly realised how he felt, and I felt so sad for him. I really wish that things could have been different for Nick. I often wonder what his life would be like today. I'm sure that he does too. I just hope that he has finally decided to let go of all the "what ifs" and move forward from here.

Well, I think that's enough rambling for now. I need to get my butt out of this chair and do something. I'm so glad that this day is over, that this week, is almost over. I've got a lot of little things to do tomorrow to finish up for Halloween. I should probably make a list so that I don't forget anything.

Good night.
Love,
Susan

1 howled back:

sparsely kate said...

You are such a little night owl! Oh my goodness, I am in bed by 10 or 11pm most nights, but I'm sitting here imagining just how much I could get done if I worked and pottered around all night like you do! And I kind of envy that ability to stay awake too, when it's all so quiet and peaceful - it would be quite appealing!

I'm really happy to hear things are good for nick, I really do think some kids just find growing up hard. I know I did and do...it's one step forwards and two steps back. I am really glad to hear it in your voice (well your words anyway) that things are lovely for you right now. Good.

Anyway...I shouldn't be on this silly computer..I'm getting fuzzy. Love ya!

mel x