Thursday, October 2, 2008

Life's not fair. It sucks.


This has been a really rough past few days. I think, around Tuesday, I started feeling really crappy. Sneezing, coughing, runny nose, headache, scratchy throat, and itchy eyes - God, I just love allergies! Why do they always have to happen during the very best seasons? You struggle through the LONG winter season, and when spring finally returns, so do your allergies. Or, after battling all the heat and humidity of summer, we finally get some days cool enough to get out and enjoy in the fall - except for all the shitty allergy crap RUINS it !!!! (Not to mention, allergies make you feel cranky and bitchy)

To be honest, the way things have been going, I don't really need allergies to feel cranky and bitchy. Let me explain. I was sitting here at home Wednesday night, and suddenly, my son and his girlfriend come walking through my front door. Nick, is SUPPOSED to be in rehab. He hasn't been there long enough to earn a pass. As soon as I looked into his bloodshot, glazed eyes, I had a pretty good idea what had happened. When he opened his mouth to speak, I was certain of it. He asked Roy and I, to sit down with him and Jennifer , at the kitchen table, to "talk". HA ! He was drunk and he had a story to tell.

According to Nick, he got thrown out of rehab for breaking a rule. (He accepted a $3 tip from a customer) After he repeated the story, stressing every tiny injustice, for the 6th time, - Nick tends to repeat himself when he's been drinking - Roy and I were finally able to get him to shut up and listen to us. I felt like I was talking to a 2 year old as I tried to explain to him that,

"Life, is just heaping full of things that aren't fair - that doesn't make it okay to go out and do things, like getting drunk. He has to learn how to deal with life's little set backs and stresses, or at the very least, quit using them as excuses to drink or do drugs. However, since he had already made that choice, I told him that he was NOT allowed to show up at my house and bitch about it."

Nick and Jennifer looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. I said,

"Good night guys, you have to leave now. It is NOT okay for you to show up drunk, at my house, no matter what horrible, unfair thing happened. Your screw ups, and bad choices, ARE NOT MY PROBLEM. Good bye." When Nick has been drinking, you have to be pretty blunt,- and talk VERY slowly. But Nick and Jennifer continued to look at me like I was crazy. Finally, Nick said,

"where are we supposed to go?"

I said, "I don't know. Jennifer was silly enough to pick you up. Maybe you can go spend the night at her house? I'm sure that her parents will be sympathetic to your problem."

After about 15 minutes of more stupid and ridiculous conversation, they left.

The problem was, they came back Thursday morning. At least he was sober by then. He asked if he could take a shower and make some phone calls, and I said fine, and I went about my regular days work. Around 2PM, I went to the garage to work on my painting project and noticed that he had backed Jennifer's car up to the garage, and was unloading his stuff. I started Yelling, "NO, NO, NO!!! You are NOT moving back in here!" He actually had the nerve to be genuinely puzzled.

I pointed out that based on his condition last night, he OBVIOUSLY had no intentions (nor the ability) to stay sober. Furthermore, it's become painfully obvious to me, that being at home is not a good place for him. If environment has anything to do with his sobriety, then, it's been proved over, and over again, that being here will have disastrous results - for everyone. Nick wants to make it sound like I have "given up on him". I told him that isn't true. The only thing I have given up on, is repeating the same mistakes over and over. I told him that he has a few days to come up with some kind of game plan - and it had better not be one that has already failed. At this point, I don't care how crazy it might sound - just do something DIFFERENT !! I KNOW that recovery is possible, and I will NOT let him give up trying, but I won't sit by and allow him to do the same things over and over, and foolishly pray for different results. I know that I really don't have a lot of control over most of his choices, but I WILL take control over any choice that involves me allowing him to ignore his issues, or just to quit trying. And if that means that I have to be a bitch . . . I don't like it, but it's better than watching him die, or end up in prison.
He is doing his best to manipulate me. He has no idea how hard it is for me to admit that him being at home - isn't good for him. Nick spent most of his developmental teen years in State's Custody. Not of MY choosing, but because his addiction made it impossible for him to stay out of trouble, and out of the juvenile court system. His actions and behavior took it all out of my control. It seems like I spent so many years fighting, just to get my son home, fighting to prevent the state from placing him in facilities that would destroy his spirit. But once the state takes custody of your child - wining is a lost cause. They do whatever is convenient for them. They claim that their actions are "in his best interest," They didn't know, or care, about my child. Their ONLY knowledge of him came from psychiatrists, counselors, and a host of supposed "experts", who compile reports; and still, they knew nothing about him. They didn't know him, like I know him, and they didn't want to. They put him in places, and situations that were abusive, dangerous, and would be mentally destructive to anyone. And I could do nothing about it. NO lawyer would take my case to fight for him. I tried to speak as often as I could, during the hundreds of meetings and hearings, but Nick's court appointed attorney did his best to stop me because, he said that it would only make the judge, and the state angry. I was supposed to be "grateful" that my son was some one else's problem; That the state was "kind enough to take him off my hands." Worst of all, they led Nick to believe that I "signed him over !" They didn't ASK my permission for anything - they TOOK him. ( Then, they took ME to court, and said I had to pay child support - to the state - or they would put ME in jail, and take my other children ! )

Nick may have had some issues when he was 13, but the 19 year old that they returned to me, isn't your typical addict. He doesn't just drink and do drugs to get high, but he does them so he doesn't have to remember all the horrible things they did to him. And he has NO idea how to live any kind of "Normal" life. Even some of the simplest tasks, like making a long distance phone call. Up until last year, He honestly believed, that dialing 1+ the area code, was a "secret code" that was being kept from him. For years when he was in jail, JDC, rehab, or any of halfway homes that they put him in, the supervisor used to dial the number for him, so that he could only speak to people on his "approved call list." Even though almost all the calls he made were toll calls, he had no idea how to actually make one. How sad is that?

So, yeah, it's really hard for me to say, "Sorry Nick, , living here, being at home, isn't good for you." I spent so many years, fighting, and praying to get my son back, to have him home again.

"Sorry, I know it isn't fair. NOTHING is fair, but that's the way it is." It seems pretty God damned lame.

Okay, I've managed to depress myself enough for one night. I really have to get to bed so I can wake up and go to the ob/gyn in the morning. More tests, *sigh*

Good night,

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