Saturday, August 9, 2008

Is it Monday yet?

Ugh ! It's a dreary, rainy Saturday. I finally drug myself out of bed at Noon. I think that was my first mistake. The last couple of days have been chaotic, and when I came down the stairs to see the results of my household neglect . . . well, I was over whelmed to the point of depression. I just wanted to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and ignore the world. Looking back, it probably would have been a good plan.

I spent my entire day on Thursday, outside, taking advantage of the cooler weather. Well, at least it was cooler than the previous scorching heat. After a few weeks of upper 90 degrees, (37C.) a few days of lower 80 degree temps (27C) feels like heaven. So anyway, I spent the day walking the dogs and doing yard work. Which meant my kids had free reign of the house.

Friday, Nick and his girlfriend showed up unexpectedly. Actually, I did invite him over to celebrate his birthday this weekend, but I thinking more along the lines of dinner and cake on Sunday night. (since his jaw is wired shut, it was going to be Taco soup and chocolate cheese cake) However, Nick's room mate decided to throw a three day party for the weekend, and I couldn't really bitch about him making the choice to stay at my house for a few days. ( silly me, I foolishly thought he was actually trying to stay sober.) So instead of having a day or two to put my house in order, I had to rush around and finish buying the kid's school supplies, stop by the doctor's office for some lab work, drop Heather at the church so she could go to World's of Fun with the youth group, throw together dinner, and pick up a few movies to keep everyone entertained. Nick wanted to watch the Bucket List, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, and I snagged a copy of Jumpers at Blockbusters. We had a good evening together, But, Oh my Gosh, my house was trashed this morning !

When I woke this morning, Nick and Jennifer had mysteriously disappeared, and Roy was at work. Heather was still sleeping off her day at the amusement park, and Jake had just wandered downstairs a few minutes before me. The carpets and furniture were covered with dog hair, the dishes were piled up and over flowing in the sink, Popcorn, shoes, clothes, dirty dishes, were everywhere. And I just didn't want to deal with any of it. For once, I was in the mood to do some work in my art room, but no . . . my obsessive/ compulsive disorder wouldn't allow it. There is just no way I can ignore my house when it is that trashed. I really wanted to, but I couldn't. Unlike everyone else in my house, my mind simply won't function in a chaotic environment. It's taken me years of struggle to tolerate even a minimal mess that 4 children, 5 dogs, and 1 husband can create on a daily basis, but once it exceeds a certain level, I fall apart.

I had no choice, I started cleaning, all the while getting more and more worked up. Now, my rational mind knows that this sort of thing doesn't bother my family, it's not their issue, it's mine. I was feeling frustrated, which lead to feeling sorry for myself, which eventually lead to anger.I just wanted to have some "me time"! I know that it's childish, and I hate being like this! So, I'm grumbling and cleaning, knowing that I could easily spend my whole day doing this crap, even though I don't want to, and no one else will even notice.

Finally, around 3PM, I shut off the vacuum because I hear my husband's voice.I go to the kitchen and everyone is home, chattering away, raiding the refrigerator, and making plans to go fishing. Part of me is relieved to discover that they are getting out from under my feet, so I can get some work done; But at the same time, knowing that Nick is going fishing with Roy and the kids, sets off an alarm in my brain. The last few times that Roy and Nick went fishing turned into disasters because, Nick just. can't. quit. drinking. And I certainly didn't like the idea of Heather and her friend tagging along. So now, I can add fear and apprehension to my emotional turmoil ! All I could do was go upstairs to my room and have a nervous breakdown. Finally, Roy comes in and reassures me that he will keep an eye on Nick, and everything will be fine. (Right, whatever. )

Jake is not a fisherman, so as soon as they left, I tried to distract myself by taking Jake to Walmart to buy him some new jeans and shirts for school. Yesterday, when I was there picking up school supplies, I spotted a top that I really liked, but I didn't want to spend the money on it. Today, I bought it. I also got a couple pairs of new jeans for myself. (What? they were on sale!) I think Walmart should change it's name to the Hundred Dollar Store because, I can't remember the last time I got out of there without spending that much.

When I got home, I put on my new shirt and felt instant happiness. For the past few months, I have noticed a pattern. Whenever I feel depressed or worried, I feel a desperate need to buy something new - doesn't matter whether I need it or not. It doesn't have to be clothes either, it could be anything - a new book, a drawing pad, a plant, anything. "Comfort" shopping? Oh God, that's just what I need, another disorder. I would be a psychiatrist's wet dream. I'm not sure that I care anymore. I feel like I have lived my whole life surrounded by people with their own self destructive craziness - it was bound to rub off on me sooner or later. Besides, if they can be selfish and stupid, why can't I? Why do I always have to be the sane, rational one who always does the right thing? (Just because I know better?) UGH, Never mind. Disregard that last paragraph of bullshit. I just realised what I sound like - I DO know better. (But I'm keeping the shirt anyway!)

Anyway, They did, eventually, make it home - sober, no less. Nick couldn't stand it though. He didn't even take time to help Roy unload the fishing gear from the van. Without a word to anyone, he jumped in the car with Jennifer and disappeared for 30 minutes. When he came back, he was obviously wasted. To make a long story short, we had words. Actually, I had words - Nick, had disjointed thoughts, and slurred speech. I really have no idea what he said because, his mouth is wired shut, and whatever he took, was in addition to twice the normal dose of pain killers. So really, the whole conversation was pointless, as usual. Eventually, he stormed out of the house wearing only his boxers. ( don't ask - it's a really long, complicated story, and It still doesn't make any sense to me.) He said, that he and Jennifer were going
home, and at that point, I really didn't care. They were gone for a couple of hours, but now they're back. Jennifer says, that she managed to talk to him and calm him down. Well, that's nice, but why the hell did she bring him back here ?! He's already passed out in bed, which is good. This may not sound very maternal, but I sure as hell don't want to deal with his sorry ass in the morning. Thank you very much, but I've been there, done that, and it's not pretty.

I keep wondering how long it will take Jennifer to feel the same way? I really like Jennifer, she's a nice girl. In fact,she's too nice. She isn't helping Nick by tolerating his shitty behavior. I'd say that he needs some one to kick his ass, but someone has already done that, and it hasn't made much of an impression on him either.

Anyway, I don't think I'll be making the same mistake twice. Tomorrow, I'm staying in bed! I don't want to know what the house looks like, I don't care what they eat, or what they do. I'm taking a sick day, and I'm not getting up until everyone goes home and I can have my life back.

Good night.

1 howled back:

Anonymous said...

It's so much fun to read your life!! It really is - it's chaos but at least you write it all in an interesting way :)

and I also don't think you whinge about stuff that much - I've got only one dog and three kids and I complain more than twice as much as you!

love ya x