Friday, August 22, 2008

Old Lady Issues

Uggh ! I hate this. This, is the reason people fear old age. Every once in a while, God gives us a glimpse of what it's like, and today, I'm getting one of those "invitation only sneak peaks." Gee, thanks, God. It truly sucks when your body's abilities contradict what your mind believes, and your heart feels. It's very disorienting and discouraging.

To put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I'm not technically sick, and I think that makes it worse. If I was sick, I'd go back to bed, and not give a rat's ass about the sun shining, or what I could be doing, or what other people need or want. My mind would know that I'm sick, and all other things would be put into perspective. It would still suck, but I could rationalize that. This, is just . . . I don't know, very frustrating. I feel OLD.

Remember, a while back, I mentioned that I hadn't had a period since some time in late May? My doctor told me not to worry about it, that I was just pre-menopausal. And you know? Aside from the "M word", I was okay with that. No period? No weird, freaky mood changes? Great! I can live with this! But then, 8 days ago, I started bleeding. Sort of a bummer, but I managed to escape my usual PMS, and after four days of light spotting, I thought, "Sheesh, I can deal with this." I should have known better than to think anything could be that easy for me. Four days ago, all hell broke loose, and I'm bloodier than a civil war soldier. I woke up this morning with a dull, persistent headache, my whole body is aching all over, and my energy level is ZERO. Physically, I feel like I've been run over by a truck.

The worst part is, It's gorgeous outside !! The last few days have been cool and overcast, even a little rainy. But today, It's warm and sunny. Everything is greener, and more beautiful, than it's been in weeks. Damn it! I had plans for today! I was supposed to get up at 6:30, get the kids off to school, walk the dogs, and get OUTSIDE. I wanted to go to some garage sales and try to find a dresser for Nick and Jennifer. I wanted to do some shopping for the Halloween party. I wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, and drive around town with the windows down, and the radio cranked up. In my mind and my heart, I still want those things, but my body says No. Instead of springing out of bed this morning at 6:30, I woke up at 9, feeling like a huge block of wet concrete. Instead of having a bowl of rice chex and a piece of fruit on the back deck, I ate a dry peanut butter cookie and downed a can of diet coke in the kitchen. Instead of walking my dogs, I am watching them, right now, lined up on the couch with their backs to me, and their wet noses to the front window, pouting, and longing for a chance to play outside. I feel exactly the same way. Every time I get up from my chair, they playfully run to me, and give me the pleading puppy dog eyes routine. And all I can do is snarl at them and tell them to 'go lay down,' like a cranky old woman. I. HATE. THIS.

The other day, Roy was talking on the phone to one of the guys from work, and he referred to me as, "his old lady." I was absolutely livid! I told him that I would rather be referred to as his 'sex kitten,' than as his 'old lady!' Today, I FEEL like an old lady. There is nothing sexy, or kittenish, about me - except in my mind, that is cruelly trapped inside this old, decrepit body.

A few minutes ago, I dragged myself out of the computer chair and went to Subway to get my favorite sandwich. I rolled down the windows and turned up the radio. I was hoping that if I forced myself to get outside, and to eat something nutritious, I would feel better. Didn't work. I'm exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open, and I feel like I could go back to bed and sleep all day - but I don't want to do that!

*SIGH* Maybe I should just give up? I'm going to try and see if my dogs will let me sleep for a "little while." Maybe I'll wake up and feel better, and at least part of my day can be salvaged.


4 howled back:

Cat said...

My mother said that this time was the hardest for her - nothing was predictable - and the body aches were endless - I hope you get to feeling better soon - rest up! Cat

Willow said...

Wow! I've just read all your archives on here and you have SOME life lady! I'm extremely impressed that you're still standing.

Hope you got that nap and that you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are just having a really rough time in your cycle. I get a bad one every few months that knocks me for a six. I hope in a few days it'll pass by and you'll get your spark back. Damn hormones!

You aren't getting that old..Madonna is older than you and look what she's doing! Dancing in a leotard!


You'll feel better in a couple of days, don't be so hard on yourself. (says me - miss know it all)

Auburn haired artist said...

Thanks so much guys, I did go to bed and sleep until 5PM. I feel much better, In fact, I'll probably never get to sleep tonight. Oh well, night time is my time of day anyway.