Monday, August 4, 2008

If it isn't one thing, it's another . . .


Right now I'm sitting here, smoking a cigarette, while yet another stimulating episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants plays in the back ground. I'm just havng a hard time getting motivated to do much of anything. It's not that I don't have things to do, I just can't seem to find any justification for doing them.

Last night, as I was shutting things down and heading off to bed, the phone rang. Jasmin has been dealing with abdominal pain for the past week, and it chose last night to flair up. I parked myself on the couch in the darkened house, and discussed her options for dealing with her problem. After about an hour of discussion, she contacted her doctor, and she was instructed to go to the emergency room for testing. She called me back and asked me to meet her there. Once again, I found myself throwing on clothes, and waking my husband to tell him that I was leaving in the middle of the night.

Once again, this E.R. visit turned out to be a total waste of perfectly good sleep time. Not that she didn't have a legitimate problem, but that we found ourselves in a hospital full of incompetent, over paid, morons. Their response to her pain was not to discover the problem and fix it, but to offer her pain killers and send her back home. Her doctor specifically requested that they do a sonogram, and a CT scan, if needed. After running basic blood tests, doing a pelvic exam, and a urine test, they felt confident that they had covered their asses well enough to feel safe in sending her home. They really couldn't be bothered to adhere to her doctor's instructions because, it was 3:00AM, and they would have had to call in technicians to preform the necessary tests to do their jobs properly. I've been to three different emergency rooms in the last week. I've pretty much concluded that if anything happens to me that requires treatment at an E.R., I'd prefer to just be shot in the head. Or maybe, they could take me to the vets office and have me put to sleep? Dear God, just don't take me to a hospital !!

Anyway, I finally fell into bed at 4AM this morning; and I dragged myself out of bed at 12:30 this afternoon. In spite of getting a full 8 hours sleep, I still feel exhausted, frustrated, and just generally overwhelmed by life. Why is it, that the harder I try to get my life back on track, the more it seems the world conspires against me? Is there an evil plot to make me insane? Is God sitting in Heaven, chuckling at my frustrations, testing me to see what it takes to push me over the edge? Nah, God wouldn't do that to me . . .Right? All I know, is that a couple of weeks ago, I could clearly see what changes that I needed to make to accomplish my goal of a sane and orderly home life. I had a clear picture of what things would look like on a day to day basis. Now? Eh, who gives a shit. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep until the world figures out how to function, without pulling me in a million different directions. I really thought that after taking my "literary cruise" this weekend, I'd be able to jump right back into life, set things in order, and get things done. But apparently, my plan was doomed before I had a chance to begin. I know, I know, the rational part of me says that life isn't just about being organised, and creating structure and stability; but it's about rolling with the punches, and dealing with the unexpected. I've always been able to do that in the past. It's just that lately, it seems like re grouping and moving forward doesn't come as easily as it used to. (Partly because it seems so pointless) I keep wondering, am I just struggling with a particularly hectic "season" of my life, or is it me? Is my tolerance for temporary chaos wearing thin? Am I on the verge of becoming one of those rigid old women, with no patience for life's spontaneous interruptions? I don't want to wake up one day to discover that I am done with life, before life is done with me. But the truth is, I feel worn out. I'm tired of fighting to create something sane and rational out of chaos - it feels like a lost cause.

However, having said all that, I already see a major flaw in this particular line of thought. The reality is: I am 46 years old, and I'm up to my eyeballs in this life, and all it's imperfections. It's not like I can just take my ball and go home - that ceased to be an option about 25 years ago. In all truthfulness, I wouldn't have a clue how to start over, or how to do anything else. Instead of bitching and moaning about the unfairness of it all, *sigh* I think I'll just take a nap, and try to approach this from a different angle, with a better attitude. What the hell, if it turns out to be my destiny to become one of those cranky old ladies - I'll just take up drinking, and play it for all it's worth. No point in letting my "golden years" go to waste.

Okay, that's my new plan - for now. Uh, okay, I guess that really doesn't qualify as a plan, but I'm just rambling on about crazy shit anyway.

Love,
Susan

1 howled back:

SPARSELY KATE said...

I don't think it's just you.

I have loads of days (having one right now) where i get up in the morning with good intentions of setting things right. Then I get a bit into them and decide I'd rather be at home in front of the computer with some yummy treats and hide away.
Life can wait till I'm ready to deal with it. I just feel like hermitting!

You'll get up and face the world when you feel like it. :)